To Sufferers, It's Not Always Our Fault, Re: Relationships

[Deleted member 1860]

So, I was sort of ditched this weekend by someone I was getting to know. Now I know I am not perfect (far from it in fact), but I will admit that I have been able to control myself better in this relationship and not be so reactive as compared to past relationships. I have been a bit sad, of course. I think what hurt the most wasn't that he said he didn't want to talk anymore, but that he ignored me for four days and only told me after sent a number of texts and emails, the final one which plead for closure instead of simply leaving me hanging. This irks me as the one thing he asked for the whole time was that if I needed space, then I just needed to ask for it and he would be fine giving it to me. Its sad that he couldn't afford me the same courtesy.

So of course I have been thinking about this a lot. I have been quite perplexed as I can't point to one major thing that went wrong. Yes, he has seen some bad moments, but I never blew up at him, I never got nasty with him, and nothing was ever aimed at him. I never even raised my voice to him and the worst part of my anxiety that was shown to him was me simply *saying* I am anxious. By all accounts, I was doing things the right way....asking for space and communicating the best that I could.

What points me to believing this is more about him than it is about me is that he told me he does not deal with negativity well and after his last relationship, he never wants to deal with negativity again. (He actually said this, just this way.) Again, I am not perfect, but this isn't a realistic scenario....I mean expecting there to be no negativity in a relationship! Negativity is a part of life, and what is important is how we handle it.

To give you an idea of my negativity, it involves self hatred. I didn't tell him the brunt of it, but he knows that showering me with compliments is quite hard for me. It overwhelms me. I asked him to lighten up (in a nice way) and explained why it makes me anxious, and he agreed to do so. I didn't think he'd take this as me being negative, but, he did. (And honestly, I feel like once the novelty of me being a fun, spontaneous exciting sort of person began to wear off a bit and he saw the "real" side of me, that the interest started to wane a bit.)

And I also realize that he saw only a little of the PTSD/anxious side of me, and he couldn't handle it. Just about everyone else in my life has been able to handle a lot more, including my family and friends, heck, even those I haven't known very long. (The snarky side of me sits here and thinks...."S, my ex, handled a lot more, and he still wants me back"....or "J, the guy who's been chasing me since January, has seen a bit and that doesn't phase him"....or even "D had known me for 4 years and has seen the worst of the worst, but he still cares" But of course I would never actually *say* these things)

So I could sit here and blame myself, blame my PTSD, and think that it is all my fault that he walked out of my life. The truth is that I don't think he is the type of person who could honestly support someone like me, and that's OK. I have honestly looked at this from so many different angles, and it just appears that it wasn't meant to be.

I wanted to make this post because this is the first time in a long time where I have been honestly able to say that despite my best efforts, it just wasn't meant to be, and no, I can't blame it all on my PTSD. I think that as sufferers we may get to a point where we blame our relationship shortcomings on PTSD, when the fact is that neither party in the relationship is perfect, and the non-PTSD person can be just as much to "blame" (for lack of a better word) for the failure of it all.

Am I discouraged? No. If anything it gives me hope and courage to move forward. I know I am on a healing path, and I won't ever be "perfect" so I need to find someone who is going to be able to support me, warts and all.

So if you take anything away from this thread, I hope it is the point I have been trying to make that not everybody is fit to be a supporter, and no matter how much we are able to minimize our symptoms, it will still be too much for some people.

(And then of course the snarky side of me kicks in yet again and wants to say "when you get cancer or some other malady of life, I hope that someone is able to support you and show you some compassion, unlike you have done for me, coming for the fun and running when you see the slightest bit of struggle. Blah.) But of course I never say these things. I wish them well in life and send them on their way. Which is exactly what I did to him.

 

[sweetcandy]

It's always hard when a relationship ends. It's good that you have a positive outlook. You deserve to be treated in a compassionate way and it doesn't seem like this guy understands what you go through.

We can try to control our ptsd as much as we can and even our best efforts aren't good enough for some. Rejection always hurts but it doesn't have to determine the course of your life. When one door closes another one opens and it's always better than the first.

Its good to grieve but pick yourself up, dust yourself off and believe you are worthy to be loved.

 

[Tanishq]

Solara, I think you are way more mature than that person. I have observed people who try to be perfectionist in their life, their problem is they limit themselves so much in many ways and fall short on gaining maturity they need to be. This is what that man suffers from. I hope he learns that.

I also understand dealing with negativity part. There will be struggles in our life, there will be tough times in relationship and you need your loved one to be with you regardless of any situation. I don't think he understands that either.

You accept more and many things than he does.

I am glad you took this well, yes it takes time to meet someone who is meant to be your another half.

I echo your thought, you don't need to be perfect to be in love.

 

[TLight]

WOW, you are very wise to understand its about him, not you. And wise to recognize you deserve more in a relationship. Kuddos.

 

[rainy_daze]

I read this the other day Solara and I've been thinking a lot about it. I have taken a lot from this thread, thank you for sharing.

So I could sit here and blame myself, blame my PTSD, and think that it is all my fault that he walked out of my life. The truth is that I don't think he is the type of person who could honestly support someone like me, and that's OK

Honest and mature ^. It is good to see a thread that isn't full of self blame. I hope you don't mind me saying this: you have came a long way on your journey with romantic relationships. He most likely did not deserve you in all your awesomeness. The "snarky" comment too, has a valid point.

I used to think I loved someone "in spite of" their flaws. Over time, I started to realise that even the flaws of my partner are not something I love in spite of, I love him for them too. I'm sure my flaws could drive him crazy, but he loves me for them too.

Am I discouraged? No. If anything it gives me hope and courage to move forward. I know I am on a healing path, and I won't ever be "perfect" so I need to find someone who is going to be able to support me, warts and all

You are correct in every way with regards to the "perfect" ideal that doesn't exist, and you deserve the love and support of someone who will love every side of you, not only the exciting Solara. *cheering you on*. :).

 

[bibi]

Thank you!

 

[usvsourselves]

this has given me something to think about. thank you for posting :)