To tell or not to tell?

[Notsowild]

As some of you may know on another thread ( which I will discuss when I'm better) I was not getting any sleep and was crying and panicky for over a week. Here's the story:

At 2 pm on Friday the 13 my manager came up to me and said "I need to talk to you for 2 minutes". So we went into her office and she brought our other manager in too. She said "There's been an harassment complaint about you and Human Resources was coming in next week to do an investigation" And she also told me it was confidential. I was flabbergasted. I said who was it? She said she couldn't tell me. I asked what was it about and she said she couldn't tell me that either. I was panicky and shocked. I left her office and went to phone my union rep. I know I'm not perfect but harassment. I told her I needed to go home and left for the day.

All I kept thinking was what was this incident? Who would it be? I kept racking my brain over what I might have done. I took the next day off because I had no sleep and was crying and shaking all night. This went on for 2 more days.

I went back to work on Tuesday (my scheduled day back). Not easy working on little sleep. But anyways a co-worker came up to me and said" I still care about you" and gave me a hug. Though very nice I was floored, so much for confidentiality!!! I was convicted before I was even tried. The next day two other co-workers came up to me and said how wrong this was. I didn't even know what IT was yet.

On Wednesday I had a therapy appointment with my T. I told him the whole story. We kept trying to figure out what it might be. I know I can be cranky sometimes ( getting up at 4 am, insomnia, changing of meds) but harassing someone NO. I even asked him was my PTSD making me do something I wasn't aware of. He reassured me that I was okay and made me feel a little better.

That night I knew I needed some sleep so I took a clonazapam and 1 and 1/2 dose of sleeping meds ( psychiatrist approved) and still could not sleep. I was going to get my son to take me to the hospital. I needed sleep. Finally I took an Ativan and feel asleep. I slept maybe 2 hours before I had to get up for work.

Thursday morning i went into my managers office. I was in tears. i told her I hadn't slept all week and I couldn't take it anymore and I was going to ask my psychiatrist about stress leave. At 10 the HR person talked to 2 other co-workers of mine. Then I went in with my union rep. I asked what was the harassment charge against me. He said it wasn't harassment it was a little dispute between co-workers. They didn't like me telling them what to do even though I was in charge at the time. I agreed I could have been less cranky when speaking to them. I apologized to them both and they hugged me. They said they never expected it to go that far.

So it was all my manager again. Trying to fire me or get me to quit. Anyways Human Rights will be dealing with her now.

But I did mention to these Co-workers I would tell them about my illness next week. Not for an excuse or pity but for understanding. But now I'm having second thoughts. Maybe just mention insomnia and panic attacks? Most would understand those. But no flashbacks or dissociation? Those most wouldn't. What do you think?

 

[Suzetig]

That sounds awful, having a manager gunning for you like that is a nightmare. In terms of your colleagues, do you need to tell the, about your symptoms or could you just say you suffer from PTSD which affects your reactions at times? If they asked about your trauma you could just say you find it very difficult to talk about and would rather not. That way you don't need to quantify what happens with you but they understand you have a health issue that impacts on you at work.

 

[scout86]

That sounds like a horrible way to spend a week!

Do you have to give them details? Could you maybe just mention you have problems with anxiety? You could say that can lead to problems dealing with stress, such as insomnia and panic attacks. You could tell them you've been diagnosed with PTSD, if you want. Sometimes that brings up a lot of questions. (Sometimes some kind of "not real well informed" questions.) I'm not sure how much educating you want to do.

Giving them an idea of what you're dealing with sounds like a good idea. I don't know that they need a lot of details.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

In general, my man has (under SOME circumstances) found it helpful to say "I'm former military. I have a very black and white way of seeing things, and can sometimes be impatient or have a short temper. So it's really difficult for me to ... [insert whatever 'it' is] ... "

The issue of confidentiality already being breached on so many levels, though, DOES give me pause .. If this were my man's situation, I'd counsel him to wait till the dust settled and he was able to think more clearly and FEEL more CALM about his next steps. It sounds like you've already reached SOME resolution at this point, and explaining further might just muddy the waters. People who DON'T understand PTSD (in ANY of its complicated forms) might jump to other conclusions about how they read you, and thus read INTO this or that reaction you offer something that might not even be there. (You might "feel" less in control than you actually are - it's ok to not show all your cards, in this kind of situation.)

It sounds, at this point, like this needs to be treated as a communication issue, and your team members need to come directly (!) to you with any concerns, first. You know it's going to be WAY better for you to react if they bring a genuine concern for you, than if you get broadsided by upper management or HR with something that sounds much worse than it really is .. So what could you do to cultivate that sense of "trust" with your team members so they feel more open? .. Sometimes just occasionally [privately, if possible] ASKING them for their feedback - checking in once in a while .. "How am I doing as your manager/supervisor? Do you have any suggestions for ways I could improve? Do you wish I were doing anything differently in terms of how I'm communicating with you?" etc.

That by itself might be all they need to hear to feel "trusting" or more open with you, and then you could deal with any snags along the way on a case by case basis. It might also be helpful to document any conversations in a planner or notebook (or online schedule).

Example: I had a conversation with so and so on this date; I asked this (a), he/she responded (b), we agreed that going forward I would (c) and/or he/she would (d) ... and then be sure to follow that plan.

Document as consistently as possible. Even if their response is "No, you're doing great!" Cuz then if HR comes back, you've got a trail that proves you couldn't reasonably be expected to know that there were any problems - so and so TOLD you they thought you were doing great. (see?) It doesn't need to be complicated, just consistent. You could set a personal goal of having a conversation like this on a quarterly basis, or every month, or whatever REASONABLE timeline works for you. :)

Speaking AS a manager and supervisor with teams of people under me in the past, your situation would have been a trigger for ANYONE - PTSD or no! - and the stress attached can be AWFUL. Just awful. :hug: But it doesn't sound to me like you "owe" any further explanation - and the only reason to disclose more about your own trigger points should be only if you feel COMFORTABLE that their knowing won't come back at you as a threat in other circumstances. Based on how the complaint was both made by the people involved AND by how it was handled by the powers that be? I would not feel comfortable disclosing too much personal info .. It might only create further (unwarranted!) prejudice. You're obviously doing great on the job to be IN the position you're in. So KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!! ;)

Once upon a time, my man tried to clear up a misunderstanding with a guy who was working for him by saying "There's more than one of me up here," and he tapped his head. Thankfully, this guy was a friend, and he just laughed good-naturedly and said, "Oh, I know!" BUT, my man still regretted having said it ... he felt he'd just made himself vulnerable to this guy, even though the guy never acted in an untrusting way. All the more reason, it seems to me, for you to exercise discretion .. It's not a "secret" .. it's just "private" information at this point ... :)

Not sure if any of that helps?

~S2B

 

[ekane]

Absolutely apalling and unprofessional behavior from the manager! It's a very tough call, but I would consider disclosing ptsd so if/when this nonsense happens again, you have legal standing against them in court. You have someone you said is trying to push you out. Arm yourself. I have never seen these types of situations go well unless somehow that manager leaves.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

@ekane .. how does disclosing PTSD give her a greater legal standing? (genuinely want/need to know - particularly if this is a difference in law between Canada and u.s. or if would apply here, too?)

 

[Chava]

Sorry you're going through this. If I were you I would not tell ANY of your coworkers about your health stuff, not even panic attacks. It's none of their business and it doesn't sound like you're in the best environment to share that kind of information and trust people to be normal about it. If you feel like you need to tell them in order to explain something, I would keep it so extremely minimal.

I had a boss who hated me because I questioned her terrible ideas (they had huge consequences that affected all of us). You just have to keep good space and not piss off your loser boss sometimes. Good if you feel like you have some people you can trust in your union.

None of this is telling you what to do, but just take time to carefully consider who you would tell, what you would tell, and why.

 

[ekane]

@ptsdspouse2b this is described better in other threads but essentially, if you don't disclose PTSD to the employer you can't claim wrongdoing if/when they force you out. In fact depending on the situation, you might get blamed* for failing to disclose PTSD issues that they otherwise would be legally obligated to adjust to in the workplace. It also changes what happens when you try to claim disability. What sucks though is that so many workplaces are toxic, its tough to know if one is safer or more* targeted after disclosure. But in absolute worst case scenarios, a worker is always better supported in the legal system if they fully disclosed and documented/reported everything that happened. Its a very tough choice. Sometimes its best to just quit, but then whose to say your next office will be better? Sigh... State of corporate amaerica..

 

[ekane]

I agree strongly with @Chava but still think you should consider* telling HR specifically and no one else. Meant to clarify that earlier. Still risky perhaps, but you need to decide and plan for future scenarios. A toxic manager is not going to change. My sister had a very similar experience and I wish she had quit, but instead she stayed and it made her ptsd worse and worse. The manager eventually found a sure shot way to push her out of the company. So please plan ahead carefully. Quit. Stay and suffer. Or stay but arm yourself legally. Talk to a lawyer if you need to. Sneaky people are always a step ahead of you, you can get hurt even more than you already have!

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

Very interesting distinction! Based on @ekane 's additional remarks, I suppose I would ask @Notsowild .. Can you disclose your illness to HR to ask for special accommodation, and NOT disclose to your coworkers/team members?

Maybe formulate a good, specific "script" appropriate to each particular audience so you don't have to give up too much information and make yourself unnecessarily vulnerable?

 

[Eleanor]

1) Document everything.
2) Specifically, write up what has happened (like you did here)as factually and objectively as possible. Report actual words if you can.
3) Email these to HR.
4) Complain about discrimination - if you have informed them of your disability, and have asked for an accommodation you are officially a protected class.
5) If you have NOT asked for any accommodation - you might think about requesting a low level one - a private space to "calm down" occasionally - kind of along the lines of what nursing mothers get. Once you have, you have more leverage against the nasty manager.
6) Just finished my Harassment Training (HAHA, love the title) and NO ONE beyond you, the complainant and the manager and HR should have known ANYTHING about a complaint. File a complaint about this ASAP. Names and times and places of the conversation and what got said included.
7) This is serious stuff, and your employer is acting in a VERY unprofessional manner - and exposing themselves to serious legal action by not taking the manager to task (which they might have, but you'll never know). But if you don't complain officially... nothing happens.

Harassment deals are always won by playing the long game.

 

[Changing4Best]

I think you should be able to say it is Insomnia and that should be enough. Lord knows, even without such charges against one, Insomnia is quite common and as far as I know, not considered to be a mental illness. Here where I live, MENTAL ILLNESS is something that folks are scared of and will treat you as if you are weird or a person to fear, if you are suspected of having a mental disorder of any kind. On the other hand, insomnia is something that most folks suffer from now and then, it is familiar and not so fearful to most folks.