Today's Session

[Crow]

T has become more confrontational over the past months. Not in a bad way but it's taking me some getting used to. She seems to think I'm doing better and I guess I am. I'm self regulating and no longer call her between sessions in crisis. Today she challenged me to name the positives of a dangerous relationship I have. I stopped talking to Michael a year ago but after a nice man gave his number and asked me to call, I emailed Michael for dinner plans (and tossed the number). Bad move. Anyway she pressed me until I finally said I had no words. We then did the SE stuff which brought the energy down. I get nervous when T starts pushing more. Scared she's getting ready to move. Which she says she's not. But the fear is there.

 

[barefoot]

Scared she's getting ready to move

Do you mean scared she's getting ready to move away from you (i.e. say she thinks you're ready to wrap up the therapy?) or scared that she's ready to move in and start pushing at some difficult stuff?

 

[Crow]

Scared she's going to relocate. She almost moved to the West Coast about five years ago. I think she was having her own little spiritual awakening and was ready to sell everything and go but decided not to. I've never asked why she didn't move. One day I may. But yeah, just scared she'll relocate. The attachment crap comes up pretty strong around that.

 

[Crow]

She started pushing me a little more back when she was getting ready to relocate and before she told me she was moving so when she starts challenging me in session, that's the first thing to come up.

 

[barefoot]

Ah, I see...

Do you feel able to bring it up with her? To say this:

She started pushing me a little more back when she was getting ready to relocate and before she told me she was moving so when she starts challenging me in session, that's the first thing to come up.

Or do you think if you'll ask, she'll deny it but that still won't alleviate the anxiety you have around it?

 

[barefoot]

Obviously, you know her and I don't - and you have the context of her almost moving away before... But is it possible/likely that she's pushing/challenging you a bit more because she thinks you've made progress i.e. she thinks you can manage more push and challenge now?

 

[Crow]

Yep. That's most likely it. I'll talk to her about it sometime soon. And she's said that she's pushing more and to let her know if it's too much. This is why I stay out of relationships!! Any little thing (or not so little) and I think people are leaving.

 

[barefoot]

I'm sorry to hear that you're in this vulnerable place with it at the moment. She sounds like she's honest and open with you about her approach, so I hope she is able to reassure you.

 

[Crow]

I went in this evening and talked to T about everything. I told her I needed her to do something and asked if she could tell me she wasn't moving, that she didn't hate me and think I'm vile. It began a really beautiful conversation. We also talked about the perpetual freeze my body has been in for months and me not using harmful ways to unfreeze - and being able to stay with this as it works it way out. Really fruitful session. And she really does care for me and says she respects me. Of course my immediate response to the 'immense respect' comment was 'why?' Which also started a great dialog. Lots of laughter and tears.

 

[barefoot]

That"s wonderful @CrowFeather - I'm so glad that, not only was she able to reassure you, but that it also sounds like that conversation really shifted a few things forward.

Well done! I think it can be difficult to bring up feelings around our therapist/the therapeutic relationship because it can feel awkward or embarrassing or because we worry about their response etc. But, whenever I've done it, it's always been a really positive experience.

Sounds like you have a good therapist there too :-)

 

[Crow]

So true @barefoot ! And she's the best! She is a psychiatrist that I go to for weekly counseling. She helped me get off meds years ago and I think that's helped me connect easier with the world..