Tomorrow Is Here, But Today I'm Floating

[mytai]

I'm so paranoid today at work. Outside my building there has been a police van facing my office building all afternoon. I haven't been contacted by the police to say anything is wrong, but it makes me nervous and scared that my great-uncle was coming to my city and maybe it is to watch out for him. I know that it is more than likely completely unrelated to me in every way, but I'm just so scared that it is because of my great-uncle.

 

[HelenB]

Sorry to hear it has been so hard for you today. Can you contact the police to find out if they do know anything? I would agree that it is likely that it is unrelated but am not surprised that you would find it hard.

I still think you are doing so well in the way you are handling all this and really hope you can feed more safety into yourself. You are not going to allow this to happen any more and the police are on your side and I really hope that knowing that can bring you more safety as you are facing all the emotions and everything which this will be bringing up.

God bless
Helen

 

[mytai]

I think if they leave the parking lot after I start to drive I will be contacting them for sure. Or if I see them at my apartment too.

 

[HelenB]

If they do hopefully it will be a good sign that at least they are looking out for you and taking you so seriously. Praying for you and for peace for you.

God bless
Helen

 

[mytai]

The police from the city where my great-uncle lives called an hour ago. They want to meet to talk. The detective said that unless I will drive to see them, he can only come down Thursday at 2pm. He said that it could take a while, and to meet him at my city's police station. I have 3 appointments on Thursday, the social worker, the P.Doc, and my T (which would be after I saw the police). I asked if we could do it Friday but he said he isn't working then and wants to meet this week. He isn't being flexible at all with times. He sounds irritated that I don't want to drive to see them, he sounds irritated by the whole situation.

I don't think things are going to go well with this detective. He already sounds like he doesn't want to help me. I'm not looking forward to this, or prepared for it. I'm going to try and see if the volunteer is able to come again, just so I have someone there if he isn't nice.

 

[HelenB]

Sorry to hear that your first impressions of him are not good. I really hope your volunteer is able to be with you too. You are doing so well and have been so prepared for the first time and I am praying you can be just as prepared and and really have the confidence that you can do this, because you can.

God bless
Helen

 

[Echo]

@mytai, good that he is coming to you rather than you going to him. Good also that you will see your therapist afterwards. It might be a good thing to e-mail or ring your therapist beforehand, so she can help you prepare. Maybe by some miracle she can also spare a few minutes to come and explain dissociation to him, too, but anyway I think your suggestion of having a volunteer with you again, for safety reasons, and as a witness, is a really good thing. Maybe he's been embarrassed by the police in your state (in which case, serves him and his department right); maybe he just expected you to drop everything and do his bidding. Don't even think about letting him bully you. Do everything you can to be prepared and feel as safe as possible. You did it before; you can do it again, however annoying and scary it is. I am glad things are moving fast actually, and not dragging out. The quicker this happens, hopefully the nearer is the day you will be free of this fear and can live the life you deserve.

 

[mytai]

@Echo, I live in that same province as my uncle. I used to live in the same city as him, but I moved a little over an hour away to put physical distance between us. I emailed my T because I wanted to see if she could push my appointment a little later so she wasn't waiting around for me if the detective took a long time with me. She said it was ok and she would wait if she needed to. My T will have clients before me, so she won't be able to. I'm going to call the centre tomorrow once they open again to see if they can contact the volunteer.

The detective in my city already told this detective from my great-uncles city that I would not travel there because I didn't feel safe. Not to mention that if I dissociate I have to drive over an hour to get back home, and I wouldn't be able to have the volunteer with me. When it comes to authority I find it very hard to stand up for myself when I'm alone, that's why I want the volunteer there. Because I do get pushed around, and do what they want me to do if I don't have support.

I'm struggling with it moving fast for reasons, just as I would if it was moving slowly. Because it's moving so fast I can't get my bearings. I feel like I'm caught in an undertow in the ocean, and the waves are crashing down on me pulling me under. I can't breathe, I can't refocus, I can't get back up on my feet. I'm really struggling. I don't know from one minute to another what I'm feeling exactly, because it changes so quickly. I have never felt this out of control in my life before, even when I was being hospitalized in high school. I am struggling way more than I ever have before.

I really need to share that with my T if I can stay present on Thursday. She needs to know, I also need her to know because I feel like she has a small idea of what is going on with me, but that so much of it is being masked by the dissociation that she doesn't have the whole picture. She doesn't see me outside of our sessions, she isn't there in the middle of the night when I'm at my worst, so she doesn't know unless I tell her.

 

[novemberDark]

Hi Mytai, I hear you're struggling so hard right now, I hope easement comes a bit around your corner. You can control it like before. Look at all you've already done ( that takes a hell of a lot out of a person).

If you can't eat try at least some soup. You're working too, and how is your body suppose to keep it up without fuel? .

I know what you mean by the paranoia. I made that word equivalent to 'higher awareness' for myself.

You seem to me a planner,I red another tread entry from you before on here, where you had planned out and prepared to the T.

Could it be that getting the restraining order was part of your covering safety to the T plan also?.

Who cares about some stupid disgraceful idiots reaction to this.
It sucks that this part couldn't be done, but seems to me you're pretty much still in control here.

Don't underestimate your own strength.

You will keep yourself safe, and Chelsea is for sure better off with you (you got her trust now).

 

[Echo]

@mytai, I do understand about the effect of dissociation and so much being hidden from your therapist. I have the same problem. I either dissociate or, when less stressed, put on my professional, friendly, coping front, so it looks like nothing is wrong. She says it makes me my worst enemy when I am looking for help and support, but she also points out that I cannot help these reactions. They are the ways in which we have learnt to survive the best we know how. Don't feel bad about the dissociation. It has helped you to live, but also don't feel bad about what you haven't been able to express yet. Your story, and what your therapist already knows, is bad enough for her, and everyone here, to feel great empathy for you.

Remember that this detective will have access to your report of last week and all the evidence. He cannot just sweep it all under the carpet now. Try and keep in your mind that those policemen took you very seriously and you are worthy of that respect. He may have a totally different attitude when you actually meet. It is easier to be grumpy and dismissive over the phone than when you are faced with an evidently scared and suffering person. I hope your volunteer will give you sufficient grounding and encourage you to say what you need to say; I hope she will also ensure your policeman takes it very seriously indeed and not resort to bullying, since she will witness it.

No wonder your head is spinning and you don't know what you are feeling at any one time. It is so much to process, and try and lead a normal life and go to work. Just try and focus on getting through one hour at a time. Aside from preparing for seeing your policeman, try not to focus too much on the process; try and stay in the here and now. Wishing you all strength and support, Echo.

 

[mytai]

@novemberDark, you're right, I am a planner. I feel safety in having a plan. When part of the plan is destroyed or cannot be completed, it throws me off balance. So right now I feel off balance, on top of trying to figure out a new plan, and being thrown new things to juggle.

@Echo, I really hope the volunteer can make it. I also hope she can come with me into this "interview" too. I don't know if this is the one where I'm video taped or not. If it is, she cannot be in there (that would make them a witness, and they are not allowed to do that). Thank you for your support, I know you are dealing with a lot in your life right now.

 

[Echo]

It is ok, @mytai, I am in a safe place right now. And my next challenges are a little way off. I really feel for you, and you are an inspiration to me, too.