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Tomorrow
- Post starter renee5g
- Start date
- Status
Taken the people you're with aren't abusive and toxic people themselves and it's the past nagging at you:
In every case:
Play spot the difference with it. Look at all the ways those people, even though similar in some regards your brain registers as danger, are completely different people to your abuser.
If this person is autistic:
Eventually, if it's autistic behaviors that set you off, look at the subsequent reactions that don't result in violence on you. Remind yourself that autie guy is probably as scared of you/people as you are, if not more, and that doesn't mean either of you will be hurt.
Other ideas:
You could also ask your husband to mediate between you two, should conflicts or miscommunications arise. I gather he and the person worrying you are on good terms, or else he wouldn't invite them over, so he probably finds that person safe, and safe for you, to be near by. That can be a good sign?
In every case:
Play spot the difference with it. Look at all the ways those people, even though similar in some regards your brain registers as danger, are completely different people to your abuser.
If this person is autistic:
Eventually, if it's autistic behaviors that set you off, look at the subsequent reactions that don't result in violence on you. Remind yourself that autie guy is probably as scared of you/people as you are, if not more, and that doesn't mean either of you will be hurt.
Other ideas:
You could also ask your husband to mediate between you two, should conflicts or miscommunications arise. I gather he and the person worrying you are on good terms, or else he wouldn't invite them over, so he probably finds that person safe, and safe for you, to be near by. That can be a good sign?
- Post starter
- #3
You're doing good, @renee5g .
What soothes you, what makes you feel something else than fear? (Or even if still afraid or anxious, that you're fine?)
You have your husband to be there with you. He's got your back, and I bet there's way more people to lean for support to. You're not in the same situation you were before.
What do you need to do to enjoy the day ahead?
& it's a day ahead, not today: can you do comforting things for yourself today?
What soothes you, what makes you feel something else than fear? (Or even if still afraid or anxious, that you're fine?)
You have your husband to be there with you. He's got your back, and I bet there's way more people to lean for support to. You're not in the same situation you were before.
What do you need to do to enjoy the day ahead?
& it's a day ahead, not today: can you do comforting things for yourself today?
- Post starter
- #5
Oh, damn, I'm so sorry he's unsupportive.
In that case, what about making the day as much ladies' night as possible? ;) You might have a convenient reason to exclude misunderstanding husband & a dude reminding you of your abuser alike, if you go for a girl-only-fun-time with the day.
In that case, what about making the day as much ladies' night as possible? ;) You might have a convenient reason to exclude misunderstanding husband & a dude reminding you of your abuser alike, if you go for a girl-only-fun-time with the day.
Don't go. You have the right to set that boundary and keep it in place until it can be resolved to your liking. Every person has the inherent right to protect themselves after an event like you described. It affected you, and you know how you feel.
The fact your girls get it is a revealing truth that deserves to be listened to.
Justmehere
Sponsor
I get really fearful of my own panic as well. First, try to see the panic as a way that your body is trying to keep you safe. Not something to fear - it not fully accurate in this moment and it is absolutely terrible to endure, but not something to fear. Ground as much as you can. For ways to ground, check out these threads:
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/grounding-techniques-group-effort-article.57440/
It may also help a lot to connect with this moment right now using mindfulness skills. The more grounded you can be, and the more connected to this moment, the easier it will be to think of the best way to solve the problem of how to handle tomorrow.
Argh. That very unhelpful and even hurtful to say. Get over it? Right. if ONLY it was that easy, I am sure we would all just be over it by now. Sigh. I'm sorry he said that to you. :hug:
Logically, this is proven to be true by several studies done on the autistic population: people with autism are less likely than the general population to commit violent crimes, and they are more likely than the general population to be victims of crime.
But when a PTSD trigger develops, it's not easy or always possible to just logically reason our ways out of the panic. Your brain has associated austistic behaviors = DANGER. These symptoms are a way that your brain and body are trying to keep you safe. It's going to take a little time to change that association it to something more useful. If just plain logic would work, it likely would have worked by now... *we* know this, and I'm sorry your husband doesn't get it.
Total avoidance of the trigger will make it worse, but total immersion into it won't likely help either. While you will not likely be in danger tomorrow if you go, I do think it is probably too soon to spend a lot on time at a holiday dinner with someone who is autistic if you struggle to be in a grocery store with someone with autism.
This might be a helpful thread to read: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/how-to-use-triggers-as-a-means-to-recovery.87557/ That's one way to approach to this over the long haul.
As for tomorrow?
Maybe sharing with your husband that you are working on figuring out a plan to work through the trauma of the assault, and that plan includes not overwhelming yourself with a exposure trigger to the point of more PTSD symptoms than you can handle, but also not total avoidance avoidance of the trigger... and that you need his support to take this very slowly in order get to the likely mutual goal you might share of not being triggered as much... maybe that could help? It might be a real long shot right now...
You can choose to not go, and that is totally your right. It might be the right decision this year.
People skip out on family holiday events for health reasons more often than most people realize, and this is a health issue. A mental health one.
I'm so glad your girls are there for you in such a supportive way. Validation is key to recovering from trauma, and invalidation usually makes it much harder.
I would be aware of trying to avoid inadvertently putting your girls in the middle between you and your husband, or having them even feel like they need to pick sides or be in the position of feeling like they need to manage your triggers for you. It's good that they can validate the danger and help you find a sense of safety, but be mindful of how teens and kids can take this in ways that well meaning parents don't intend. Help your girls know that its good they help in the ways they do, but also help them not take on responsibility that isn't theirs.
If you don't go, maybe the girls can go with him to dinner and then perhaps you all share desert together afterwards. Or enjoy a movie together.
Your husbands really harsh and inappropriate reaction might be partly because he doesn't want thanksgiving to change because of the trauma you went through. It's selfish and annoying. He should be supporting you through this and supporting your path towards recovery, not telling you to just get over it.
Right now, if the panic is still really high, don't make any decisions just yet. Ground as much as you can.
I hope that things are getting easier for you and that you can find a good path forward for tomorrow. :hug:
@Link Removed - You articulated your points very well, and they are obviously well thought out.
@renee5g - I'm sorry for my brusque reply yesterday. My anger flashed when I read how you're being treated. However, it's not about me.
Justmehere's reply is very sound and worth consideration of the options brought out.
@renee5g - I'm sorry for my brusque reply yesterday. My anger flashed when I read how you're being treated. However, it's not about me.
Justmehere's reply is very sound and worth consideration of the options brought out.
- Post starter
- #10
That was a strong choice. I know how hard it is.
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