Too Much Survivors Guilt

[marylouise]

@gizmo, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I've been following your story on this board, and I know how hard you've worked to get your own life in shape. Of course, I have a similar story. I'm grateful that I don't have to deal with what you're experiencing though.

I've been estranged from my sister for 17 years, but the estrangement was her idea. She physically attacked me and hasn't contacted me since. I will say that at the time I was devastated. Though she was often horrible to me, she was the last contact I had with my family of origin. I hadn't even seen her for three years, but that contact was important to me. I now feel that our estrangement became a turning point for me. Somehow, the relationship took energy from me, that I began using for my healing. I needed (and still need) all of it.

My sister wasn't interested in or maybe capable of recovery. That's her issue. It makes me sad, still. But I am better off with no contact. I'm better off getting my own life in order. I think you will be too.

I was actually helped a lot by Twelve Step, specifically Al-Anon which focuses on codependence. Being able to talk about codependence in the context of my father and the slogans were life-saving.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you all for your thoughtful and wise words to me. I have been journaling like crazy and I think I have many false beliefs in this situation with my sister.

Friday Jones, thank you for your view on mercy. I do not have that power. I try to be compassionate and that is a good thing.

digger thank you for the very clear definition of mercy. I have been confused about that term and it never occurred to me to look it up. It clarified things for me very much. I so appreciate your taking the time to do that.

springer, yes I do think I have resentment for pushing my buttons and I am so weary of her doing this. I am older than her by nine years and practically raised her myself. Yes I do not have much feeling for her. She chose her own way and no one twisted her arm to make the bad choices she has over the years. It is a tangle for me. I really need to make me and my own family the priority now as I have done before many times.

Recovery 4 me thank you for sharing your view of things with your own family. I have cut off contact with my family of origin and I have cut her out of my life for three times. I do not want to do that again.

springer I will most definitely talk to my daughter about this. Thank you for the suggestion.

Friday Jones, grieving over the impossible is a difficult thing. How true that is and it lets me know that I have to actually grieve over this insanity.

November Star thank you so much. I realized in my journaling today that I need to set some boundries and limits with my sister and your suggestion is very timely and appreciated.

Dana, she is not going to go to therapy, but I am to get a tune up and I have a therapy appointment next month and will be seeking her help in sorting through all of the tangled emotions.

My sanity is my number one priority. My families safety comes first. I feel so much better about this now. I cannot thank you all enough for all of your responses.[DOUBLEPOST=1405376274,1405376020][/DOUBLEPOST]mary louise thank you for sharing your experience with me. I am sad that you had to go through that. I am so weary of giving my sister rent free space in my head. I feel centered now and much stronger and more determined than ever not to allow my sister to steamroll me.

Twelve step groups have helped me so much.

I think that I need to be more strong with my sister and I have prepared some statements that I can tell her that will be non defensive and compassionate.

 

[spookedlife]

@gizmo

I agree that you're giving yourself entirely too much power over...and therefore, responsibility for...your sister...that only some "higher power" can grant mercy, in the first place.

One of the things that helped me most in recovery, in general, was seeing myself as just another human being on the earth. Maybe because of my own trauma, I long carried a "savior's complex"...thinking that I could save the others...the world, really...from experiencing similar traumas...as though it was therefore my responsibility to do so, having suffered through similar. And it certainly is my responsibility to help...but "help" is a far cry from "saving" someone...being responsible for being that knight in shining armor that turns their world around.

Speaking only for myself...it took a long time to realize that this was more about me than about the other person...my need to offset my trauma-identity as inadequate...by proving adequacy through saving others...being "up to that challenge", so to speak...proving myself through it. So, not really about the other person, at all.

While it may sound bizarre to say so, in that way, I was actually just using another to address my own issues. Unintentionally, of course, and with only the best of intentions-but when I put myself in that position, of taking responsibility for "saving" another, I was not only fueling an image of myself that kept me running on a treadmill I was bound to fall off of...not being superhuman, after all...but actually doing the other a disservice, by robbing them of the satisfaction and life lessons one learns in saving oneself.

I truly believe that no one else can "save" another. Help? Yes. But not save. And giving myself that power, and responsibility hurts not only myself in the long run, but the others, as well. Let yourself off the hook for being the one responsible for either "saving" your sister- for "showing her mercy" in doing so. It sounds like you're on that road, as you've kept as much distance between yourself and her as possible, and realize the dangers involved in getting closer. But it still sounds to me as though you're emotionally "on the hook"...even if you're unwilling to stand directly in the line of fire of her out control life, in any material way. Of course, it's not easy, especially for a sister...to divorce yourself from a feeling of responsibility towards her. And I'm not suggesting you should. But again, I think it's important to keep clear the distinction between being responsible to help someone to the degree you can, and "on the hook" for "saving" them...from themselves. I think most would agree that the former is to be expected from family, while the latter can't be expected of anyone.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

spookedlife thank you so much. You explained it to me in a way I can understand..

All day I have been reading books on recovery and also boundries. I realize that she is continually violating my boundries and projecting into me her vision of what she needs me to be.

Today was a huge wake up call for me. She was enraged with me once and I never want to experience that again.

I have carried a heavy burden of feeling responsible for her.

Now I know what I must do. Set more boundries and limits on her bad behaviors and words and stay away from her as she is a very dangerous person to be around.

I survived better than her. I made my choices and no one twisted my arm and she made her choices with no one twisting her arm either.

I liked what you said about being a simple human being. It grants me great relief.

She is an emotional bully and very dishonest and devious.

I managed to cut off contact from the rest of my family and even cut her out of my life a few times. But the false guilt was too heavy for me so I would always reconnect with her.

Because of the many boundry violations she has done to me, it is up to me to redraw the lines.

I did talk to my daughter about her and it was enlighting. I think I have a better idea of what is mine and what is my sisters.

I learned so much about me today. I have some simple things I can say to her. I will not tell her where I live in the city. I need to think about the well being of my own family.

I live in terror of her and have been putting up with her nonsense for years. I need to change. At least I am more informed now. And I have a path away from her that I am willing to go on.

I see myself and my part in my dilemma with my sister more clearly. I learned so much about me today. No wonder I have been so stressed out after she kept saying how close we will be to each other. She did not ask to see me, she hinted and I got her message loud and clear. I have a lot to think about.