Toolkit: Affect Regulation

[BloomInWinter]

I don't know if we can learn them. I haven't, yet.

But it's also impossible to learn them in an invalidating environment when we're NOT safe.

So...safety is job one. Establishing it.

 

[MyStarryNight]

I agree. I think we can learn or relearn what we were supposed to have picked up and built upon growing up. But safety has to be there. Without safey it is hard to accomplish much of anything because we're constantly in a state of anxiety and/or fight, flight, or freeze. It's amazing what has taken place the last month within me in the last week or two alone just because I finally feel safe and heard.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I'm still learning these.

Now that I have some tools that are working regularly, I am gaining more awareness when people around me are in a 'state' of anxiety or some kinda agitation. I am able to not 'catch' it so easily.

Wow. Never knew the ability to 'be' one of the calm ones would be a side benefit to practicing this but it's wonderful. Like I have a new sense of safety.

I was able to help calm my daughter out of a fit. Nothing else was working so I picked up her stuffed animal 'angry bird' and we played a game with it. She threw it towards my wall, and if it got through, she 'won' that one. I threw it towards her, and if it got through, I 'won'...a game we can play inside where nothing is at real risk of getting broken.

Before long, she was calmer and laughing. We then sat and talked it out, and read our books quietly.

Nice to have the ability to 'stay in in' sometimes now when the kids are getting out of control. Wish I could ALWAYS be able to stay 'within myself' rather than getting agitated too.

 

[votedmostcheerful]

Great job BloomInWinter!! I too struggle with this! You are teaching her self regulation by teaching her to take care of herself (play a game, be with someone you love, etc) when feeling bad feelings. When my boys were young, we had a corner of the playroom set up for exactly this purpose. We had a big stuffed animal to snuggle up to and the boys each chose some favorite items to put in "the good place". To this day, when their behavior is out of bounds, we say "go to your room and make yourself feel better". We try to model time out too with MP3 players or locked bathroom doors. I had a life coach (I've tried everything!). She gave me an exercise of putting a small photo of myself in a frame. Each day I talk to her and tell her I love her and will take good care of her. Sometimes I even hug myself to soothe myself. I thought it was kooky when she suggested it, but it has been very helpful! We didn't have anyone to tell us it would be alright!

 

[workingwithc-ptsd]

This thread has really helped me. Thanks so much for sharing. Before therapy, I wasn't aware of how "on gaurd" I was. I just assumed that the people around me were judging me, which could then cause me to overreact if a small disagreement arose. My T calls this inner voice "the protector". We react so strongly because, at one time, our environment was hostile, and we needed the protector to survive. So in order to calm myself my T recommended that I try to be aware of my thoughts, and to "talk" to the protector, to say, "everything is okay, I can handle this."

I am trying, but it isn't easy! But I think the tips are just great. Like visualizing someone you love. Thanks again! :-) workingwithc-ptsd

 

[BloomInWinter]

Sheesh...just having to find even more things as I get 'deeper' into the traumas is proving to be a challenge.

Most stuff works a bit but the past few days the urge to fall back into self-harm or drinking has been so strong. I ended up using distraction, a hot shower, eating too much....and rumination. The last two were just giving up and sitting in the feelings but I wasn't hurting myself.

I am struggling but will keep trying.

 

[votedmostcheerful]

I know what you mean BloominWinter. Sometimes it feels like if you uncover another layer of the story and try to deal with the pain, you just can't stand it any more. Who could blame you for self medicating (Not that it will help)? Prescribed medication has helped me for the first time and acceptance of who I am (scars and all). That acceptance has been everything! You helped me with that! I've been trying to stop self destructive behaviors for years. With the acceptance of myself, I see these behaviors naturally decreasing without much effort. I think I had to realize (and I grieved this) that there is no unringing the bell. I can't escape the pain or go back to my imagined pristine self before the abuse. I just am and the abuse just was and we're still beautiful! Hope you are feeling better today!

 

[BloomInWinter]

I find that if I try to image the smells of comforting things, this helps me.

These smells, real and imagined, comfort me:

• bread baking
• horses
• hay
• spring
• rain
• the air after a thunderstorm
• fresh cut grass
• pizza
• coffees

I can't smell really well anymore. My nose seems to be hyper-tuned solely to imagined triggers. But I can still call these up in memory.

 

[Lucycat]

Its funny you should mention smells. Today a dear friend sent me a lavender filled heart, and it has 'with love' stitched on it. It smells delightful and reminds me of my dear Great Grandma.

I too am trying hard with the self regulation and self soothing. Although I am sorry you are struggling with it, I am also reassured that I am not alone with feeling that I am succeeding with it, and sliding backwards again.

 

[Wanting a life]

Thanks for writing about this. I can relate. Looks like I have a long loooong way to go...

 

[BloomInWinter]

Me too. Now, I do show my emotions on the surface far more...and that is helping me match up my 'insides to my outsides' but it's terrifying.

It wasn't safe to do this growing up. But I can't stay safe or be at peace as an adult if I don't match up my feelings to corresponding effective display of them which lets people know where I stand...and where I won't be pushed.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Reading through, I realize that two years after first seeking help, a lot of this *is* better for me.

I have accomplished (with increasing levels of success) much of the things on this 'list'...

"early stage focuses on safety, stabilization, and establishing the treatment frame and the therapeutic alliance. Measured by mastery of the necessary skills and not by duration, this stage of treatment may be the most important since it is directly related to the clients’ capacity to function. Education in complex trauma and elements of the human response to trauma provide a foundation for skill-building.

Skills to be developed include healthy boundaries, safety planning, assertiveness, self-nurturing and self-soothing, emotional modulation, and strategies to contain trauma symptoms such as spontaneous flashbacks and dissociative episodes.

Additionally, attention to wellness, stress management and any medical/ somatic concerns is needed. Medications such as antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs are often helpful and should be considered to target posttraumatic symptoms and those associated with depression, anxiety, and sleep disorders." Source: behaviors​

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I am willing to proceed to where my T. is pushing me to go. Ugh. Actually, just typing that sentence made my legs start shaking.

Miles to go....