Topic Specific Mind Blanks & Patterned Temporary Loss Of Information. Anyone?

[therisa]

Abstract, Last summer, I had an episode, where I found myself, standing on the curbside, of an intersection, wondering, what the heck, was I doing there? And why was I there? This lasted for about three minutes, before everything returned back to normal. Or what passes for normal for me, these days.

For I had walked to one of my pharmacies, to get my anti-testosterone medication, to block my body’s production of testosterone, when this happen. The medication is being used off-label, in my transitioning, and isn’t covered, by the Ontario Drug Benefit Program, thus have to pay out of my limited disability pension cheque, for my three month dose.

 

[Abstract]

usually I feel encased in some kind of bubble. The bubble is transparent enough for me to see the outline of what it is I want/ed to accomplish, but rarely clear enough for me to see the specifics (which would allow me to address the topic/s).

Hi Ninja! Thanks for sharing. :) Sorry to take so long to reply. I seem to periodically go quiet.

That sounds like a close version of scenario 2 (type 1)! When I try to do anything to get a T for example - it happens every single time and has for about a year now. Normally I can't find what it was about at all at the time but just that it was something. It was more abrupt before. A very sudden hard absence. Now it is a bit softer and I think that is progress.

With the

second type

I have absolutely no idea that it has happened at the time at all. So a string of experiences can happen over a long period of time with someone and I have no awareness at all until something sets it all off and it comes back in one go.

Sorry you have trouble posting. I hope it stops.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Therisa! Thank you replying. :)

standing on the curbside, of an intersection, wondering, what the heck, was I doing there? And why was I there? This lasted for about three minutes, before everything returned back to normal

I am so glad you shared this. I do this type of thing too and for some reason never connected it with the other stuff but you are right and I think it is exactly the same concept. Sometimes it can be brief for me, often a few or more minutes and sometimes it can be a long time. Like 30 minutes or longer for example.

Maybe collecting your hormone blocker and the cost involved was anxiety provoking for you.

 

[digger]

I will come back to this again when I'm thinking a bit straighter, but it's too much text for me to take in today, but just wanted to get a couple of thoughts down, about what we were speaking about on the other thread, while I can actually remember them ;)

What seems to be going on with you and trying to sort out therapy, seems to be quite similar to something I'm experiencing at the moment (and have been for a while) with sorting out paperwork for certain things, or dealing with them. For example, I get a utility bill in which needs paying, I fully intend to pay it, there's no reason why I can't pay it, I don't have a query about it, I have enough money to cover it, but I can't actually physically get round to paying it. I can write out a 'to do' list and include it on it, leave a note to remind myself. It doesn't get paid. I get a reminder. Same thing happens, a lot of the time it's not until they are sending the threatening to pass it on to debt collection that I can finally manage to do it and even then I don't always manage to do it straight away. And I'm not entirely sure what happens in the gap between me fully intending to go online, or to get the chequebook out to pay it, and my not paying it, but it doesn't happen, and I don't think it is as simple as just forgetting (although my memory is pretty terrible at times) because it happens again and again. And a lot of the time I won't even open the letters. Now for me, I think this links in with the sheer bulk of papers that I had to go through when my dad died and to do with the amount of paperwork and dealing with 'official' type stuff to sort out the estate after (which took a couple of years because of the mess he left everything in) that I think I am dissociating from it in some way either because I am finding it triggering or I am having some kind of phobic reaction to it now - not sure which, possibly a bit of both.

Anyway, back to you and therapy, and I'm trying to remember back to how I dealt with getting myself sorted with that in the end because I think I probably had a bit of this going on with that as well, but I think what it came down to in the end, and what it comes down to with the above problem, is urgency.

I haven't told anyone about the paperwork thing, or how bad things really are mental health wise at the moment, and I think I get to the point where I realise that if I don't do something about it then, extreme example, but I get to thinking well what would happen if I don't pay and end up having to go to court over something stupid like this when I could have paid it all along and then people would find out..... etc etc and the need to deal with it to carry on pretending to the world at large that everything is fine becomes more urgent than the need to avoid dealing with things and so takes priority.

I think with therapy, it also came down to urgency in a way for me, although not in quite the same way. I was repeatedly trying to get help through the NHS and coming up against so many problems and barriers and cock ups and so much misunderstanding of what I needed or was asking for. But I have quite a lot of mistrust around doctors and the medical profession anyway and because of that I was scared of really explaining fully how bad things were because of what they might do about it, that I think I realised I was going to need to sort it out for myself. But at the same time absolutely petrified of the idea of therapy or talking to anyone about any of it. But the urgency of needing to sort it out, perhaps a little ironically, for the sake of people not knowing how bad things were, trumped the urgency of not entertaining the idea of talking about it to anyone <<<and yes I do realise how skewed that is!

It's a bit lot more complicated than I'll put down here, but the urgency for me, basically mostly came out of my being a single parent and parenting always trumping anything else for me. I need to be here for my son and need to be as together and present for him as I can be. So the need to sort myself out was/is probably more for my son than for me, although I think I am slowly coming round to doing it for me as well now.

I am wondering if you can identify such an urgent need in yourself for therapy, or whether the 'need' to put it off is still stronger in you than the 'need' to take it on? That at some level you are allowing yourself to put it off because even though it's hard to live without therapy, it's still not as hard as living with therapy (the 'it gets worse before it gets better and what if even if I do therapy it still doesn't get better' stuff)

You may already have done this, but I'm wondering if writing out a brutally honest list of pros and cons about therapy and about where you envisage your life heading with and without it might help.

What I do think is promising from reading your posts recently is that you are identifying that you are gaining strengths in different areas through persistence and can see a point where you will be able to do this too. And, as I think I said in the other thread, there are lot of people here on this site I think who believe you will get there and believe in you.

I'm not sure if any of this helps, and that I'm not missing the mark by miles - as I said I will come back and read this thread more thoroughly at some point, but I think that focussing more on what is stopping you getting a therapist is probably key to getting a therapist.

Just one other thought, but I'm wondering about past experiences with therapists and how that might be affecting how willing you are to try again? I am pretty sure that one of the reasons that I am so stubbornly sticking with my therapist, even though it has been, and is, such a difficult journey, is that if I don't, then I don't think I would be able to make myself try again with therapy for a long time.

 

[Abstract]

You are very sweet to come here and answer digger. Especially when in such a bad place yourself. I will come back. Taking a little time out too! Hope you are feeling a bit better.

 

[Abstract]

too much text

Totally know how that feels!

can't actually physically get round to paying it.

This is a big problem for me too on a general level. If it wasn't for direct debits I would be in serious trouble! Not sure if you have read Pete Walkers 4 f's article but I identify as the freeze type. It seems to me that in general the more anxiety that comes up the more I freeze and can't do anything. I don't totally blank with that but just don't do it. Like you generally there comes a point where action happens. I usually find the best way to get there is to try to lower my anxiety and do something to trigger movement at the same time.

Its mortifying to be so stuck with basic parts of living isn't it?! :x3: I hope yours has improved. I can see why being a parent is the greatest motivator possible.

When it comes to getting a therapist the block is complete. I liken it to having a white hole :speechless:suddenly appear inside my head. I have thrown everything I can at it over the last year or so and I can't budge it. Lists, you name it. I will switch on the computer and then I am off. No ability to think or function at all until it passes. Try again and it happens again. One year of it without let up.

My symptoms are down from a year ago and ironically I think I am much closer to being able to get through. I was so desperate for help before and so unable to get it. It felt very painful.

past experiences with therapists

This is what it is about. I neither trust a T to be safe nor do I trust myself to be able to tell and help myself if they are not.

I had what feels like a big mishap in therapy a few years ago with a long term therapist (5 years). And I realised that I can't always tell what is happening in therapy as it happens and don't feel any confidence I can protect myself and manage the relationship as a result.

The last lot of therapy (15 sessions) is actually the therapy I feel most positive about even though I usually barely managed a sentence in the hour.

I have tried to dismantle the fears from every direction. Fear of speaking about what I need to - practice online. Fear of therapists - look for positive stories from people with similar issues. Fear of not being able to know what is happening - improve my dissociation and think of ways to manage it in therapy, improve my grounding skills. Dismantle my belief that it is not possible to understand me by being heard and understood somewhere like here. Belief that a T will not be able to be safe for me - work on exactly what type of t is going to work.

My dr suggested going to charities which is ironic but I do think he has a point. I want someone specifically trained in this stuff and the NHS is not good at providing that. Only trouble is they are time limited and I won't do that again so private is the only way forward I think.

I hope you are feeling better ish.

 

[Abstract]

There is a problem in getting more stable though as there is no doubt that the urgency dwindles. Maybe the urgency is dwindling in parallel to the blockage lessoning and when the block goes I will no longer be motivated at all! :rolleyes:

Sorry that you had to deal with your dads affairs digger if you read this. I always think its like insult added to injury. And I imagine there may have been a less than ideal work environment so that adds another "interesting" dimension.

 

[digger]

My symptoms are down from a year ago and ironically I think I am much closer to being able to get through. I was so desperate for help before and so unable to get it. It felt very painful.

I have always said this with regard to depression - the times I have needed most help have been the times have I been least able to ask for it. It is definitely a big issue I think for a lot of people - particularly if you're not the sort of person who generally asks for help with things, or if you are not someone who has other people looking out for them who can notice and step in for you. Then the additional stress of needing help and not being able to sort it out for yourself adds onto it all as well doesn't it?

even though I usually barely managed a sentence in the hour.

sounds familiar.... ;)

My dr suggested going to charities which is ironic but I do think he has a point. I want someone specifically trained in this stuff and the NHS is not good at providing that. Only trouble is they are time limited and I won't do that again so private is the only way forward I think.

I guess the only 'positive' about the NHS route is that some of the decision making gets taking out of the equation for you, but like you said, it is important to get the right person for the job. Even without all the cock ups that happened for me trying to get referrals through the NHS, actually what I would have ended up with have been time limited and I think it was always at the back of my mind anyway that that was just never going to work for me - which has been proved right by the length of time I've spent just getting used to this counsellor. I think the 'offer' was something like eight weeks which could have been extended to a maximum of twenty - :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao: <<<that is all!
I know that I am lucky to be in a position though where I could consider a more open ended private arrangement, and I also think I was lucky that I found the counsellor I did, fairly quickly and 'easily' ('easily' is very much the wrong word there, I mean like once I had got it together enough to make the arrangements the arrangements went fairly smoothly) I think if it had been more difficult then I would have got put off quite quickly because the process of finding a therapist and making the arrangements really was a terrifying one for me - you are certainly not alone in finding it difficult.

I want someone specifically trained in this stuff

This is my one worry at the moment actually in that the counsellor I have is not necessarily specifically trained in the areas I might need her to be. I still don't have an official diagnosis of anything other than anxiety and depression because I just completely shut down with doctors and don't tell them even half of what is going on or has gone on, and at the time of looking for a therapist, I think I was still quite a lot in denial of the magnitude of things really. But at the moment I think I really need to just carry on working with her and getting myself used to the idea of being in therapy at all if that makes sense and if I have to sort something else out later, cross that bridge when I come to it - even just typing that, the idea of it is freaking me out! :bag:

Maybe the urgency is dwindling in parallel to the blockage lessoning and when the block goes I will no longer be motivated at all!

Hopefully enough people here will keep you 'gently' motivated in that direction ;)

 

[digger]

Not sure if you have read Pete Walkers 4 f's article but I identify as the freeze type.

I've not read it no, but Freeze is definitely my go to mode as well.

 

[Abstract]

Thank you digger! Here is the article if you want to have a look. https://www.myptsd.com/threads/complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-cptsd.13764/

Hopefully enough people here will keep you 'gently' motivated in that direction

Ha! :nailbiting:

I will be back - hopefully!

 

[CVC]

Wow, so glad I was pointed to this thread.

I get this too! Sometimes my mind simply won't acknowledge certain things I know to be true (at least on some level). What these certain things have in common is that they feel dangerous to think about, like a disturbing/triggering detail about someone, or forgetting that I'm supposed to do something really important (something that feels threatening). Some kind of thought avoidance? A safety valve? I guess it's some sort of dissociation.

I also get "action blocks" like digger describes. Thinking of it as a "freeze" reaction makes a lot of sense to me.

If I do manage to face these topics that have a tendency to be avoided, sometimes it causes me to really shut down. I look asleep (though I'm not). My mind goes blank. Perhaps this is similar to what you describe as "a complete emptying out of my mind." For me, it's sort of peaceful. I don't think it's the "dissociative trance" to which you refer. It doesn't feel "spacey" (a feeling I know well), just empty.

These blocks of selective info have gotten me into trouble. Some people think I'm uncaring, because I "forget" really important stuff. It's hard to explain to people, and I struggle with that aspect of it too. Reading the way all of you talk about it is really helpful--it's giving me language to describe experiences I've found quite baffling. I am grateful to everyone who shared--I know it's not easy.