Tossed Aside Again

[mytai]

Today was the video interview with the detective from another police station. I reported last Thursday, and today. The detective from today said they won't take it to court. They aren't pursuing this. They won't even use the evidence kit I had done at the hospital. He said he's never heard of someone losing memory of what happened a month ago. The volunteer who was at the station with me wasn't allowed in, and she ended up leaving before I got out.

I had a session with my T right after. I went to that, and cried the entire time. She said she had a feeling it wasn't going anywhere when they didn't follow up on the request for her notes. She also said that she was thinking while I was reporting that they weren't seeing me as strong because of the way I was coming across. So that they wouldn't want to put me in front of a judge.

I don't want to wait around until he hurts me again. I am so scared. I want to make it so I'm not around for him to hurt anymore. It seems like the only way to stop this is to take myself out of the equation. It's better this way. I told my T that I almost didn't show for my appointment with her after, that I wanted to go some place private and just end it. She offered me an appointment on Monday, but I didn't take it. She said she thought I might want to get in sooner. I have one for Thursday, if I make it until then.

I don't feel any hope in my life at all. I failed again to put a stop to the abuse. It's me, it's my fault they aren't taking it to court. I don't even know what to do at this point.

 

[Overcast]

It is not your fault they are not taking it to court. I admire your courage to tell the police and to seek help afterwards. You have a lot of strength and will find a way to heal and keep yourself safe.

 

[billie]

Thank you for sharing this, it would of been hard to write. Firstly, I hope you are safe at the moment, if not take a moment to attempt to ground yourself. Don't be hard on yourself if its not too hard to do it. Try hard just for the next hour or so to focus on gentle thoughts (can you parent yourself?, do you have room for empathy?). Look at the clock and time yourself counting half hour to the next. The decision made by other people ARE MADE by other people. We cannot change it. Be gentle on yourself hun, start small with challenging your thoughts and don't be harsh if its too hard at the moment. The best you can do now is try. That is okay sweet. Thinking of you.

 

[Echo]

@mytai - I am so sorry to hear this. You must be deeply shocked and disappointed after all you have put into this. I hope your great uncle has not been told anything about it.

The system internationally is so stacked against the victim in these situations so often. Many of us rape victims have not been able to take our cases to court, or have known that there was no point. It really did seem that there was every chance of your case succeeding. You must be really staggered that they did not see your bravery and in the end refused to understand what these attacks do to you and what PTSD consists of, either - particularly since great care was taken to explain dissociation to them. You and your team did everything you could do, and the fault does not in any way lie with you, but instead with the poor training that the police evidently still have.

I also want to say that there are other ways of ensuring your safety, mytai, and I hope you will let your therapist help you to work on those. Please don't let your uncle steal your future. You can have no idea what it will be like - nobody would - to have years between you and this last attack. Your opinions about relationships and having children will change and you will one day look back at how fantastically brave you have been and I hope see how society was at fault, and not you. This may not be your last chance to get your uncle to court. He may slip up or someone else may speak up in the future and your testimony and evidence will be on the books and will confirm what they say. You may be able to be a witness in someone else's case. Maybe you will chose to campaign for change to how things are handled legally or in terms of police training.

Your best revenge and your best way forward is to continue to have a successful career and to get well. I'm sure I don't need to suggest you never go anywhere near his home or to any family occasion at which he may be. I am sure you have avoided all that before. Please talk to other women who have been through this and listen to how they managed to find a way forward. You are still an inspiration and you must not chastise yourself in any way about this.

 

[ill]

@mytai, this isn't your failure at all. It's the failure of the police to do the job they exist to do (serve and protect citizens like yourself) and of your uncle. You have not failed. You did everything you were supposed to do. You went above and beyond. You didn't deserve any of this and I am so very sorry. I also want you to know that I had a similar experience with police in the same province as you and I know that we're not the only ones. It is an awful, terrible, painful thing for us to have to endure, but the shame, the guilt, the failure - it's theirs and not ours.

I know that you have been through a horrible ordeal, and I know that this is an extraordinarily difficult and trying time for you, but I hope that you'll reconsider Monday's appointment and do all that you can to take care of yourself.

Not that I'm advocating anything but when I think of who should be taken out of the equation here, it's not you. Would it be feasible/possible for you to get something like bear/pepper spray or some other kind of tool that can be used in self-defense if need be? I know it's not ideal and I know it comes with its own set of complications, but you matter and you have the right to exist and be safe and if the police aren't capable of being proactive about it, perhaps if you feel comfortable and safe doing so, you might be.

I am so sorry, mytai, that this ever happened in the first place and that your awesome courage has not been met with the response that it should've been. But you have been brave and courageous and an inspiration, even if it doesn't feel like it. You stood up for yourself and regardless of the woefully inadequate response by the police, that is an amazing, difficult thing to do.

ETA: I chose my words poorly above, and I hope I didn't make it sound like you *didn't * protect yourself before. I know that it's not always possible. What I'd like to convey is that I think you are worth far more than he is, that you matter very much and are cared for by a number of people here and in your life, and that I hope that at least in the internal battles you fight, that you choose your life over his as the one with value, the one with hope, the one that matters and is worth more.

 

[Justmehere]

Your report DOES matter. I wish you could get the justice you deserve, and I know a little of how deeply traumatizing it is to not be taken seriously by the police. I can't even tell you my own story as it would re-trigger myself, but I have so been there....

and yet even now, I can say that it was worth it in the long run to make the report. I can say from firsthand experience that your report will help them over time eventually LISTEN to future victims and build a case and put the perp away.

Sometimes it is very hard to get a case prosecuted... in any country...

Many women all over the world are not believed or taken seriously. According to RAINN, in the US, "The majority of sexual assault are not reported to the police (an average of 60% of assaults in the last five years were not reported).1 Those rapists, of course, will never spend a day in prison. But even when the crime is reported, it is unlike to lead to an arrest and prosecution. Factoring in unreported rapes, only about 3% of rapists will ever serve a day in prison."
(from: [DLMURL]http://www.rainn.org/get-information/statistics/reporting-rates[/DLMURL])

There are very few things I am willing to say are absolutely true... and one of the things I am absolutely sure is 100% true is that this is not your fault that they did not prosecute it. 40% of sexual assaults are reported. An extremely small percent of those are prosecuted - ONLY 8 percent! Is it the fault of all those women who reported and it did not lead to prosecution? heck no. It's not your fault either.

But you know what you did? You not only did the right thing, you REFUSED to let the perpetrator take your voice. Do you know how amazing you are? Incredibly amazing. You are a role model. It is not your fault you did not remember... your brain dissociated it out because he hurt you so badly it was how you had to survive it. We all know the detective is completely wrong. When you remembered what happened, you made a record, claimed your voice, spoke the truth of what happened. I know it feels like hell right now, and my heart breaks for you, but please do not give up on healing. I highly recommend the online chat hotline with RAINN if tonight gets rough and you need support. They helped me get through some pretty rough nights myself. (https://ohl.rainn.org/online/)

 

[mytai]

My T ended up calling the police. So they showed up at my apartment, and they called travelling mental health team to come to my apartment to talk to me. They just left. They are going to try and set me up with someone for tomorrow, to help me get through the suicidal thoughts. If I didn't let the police call the mental health team I think they would have taken me in. They were nice, they weren't rude to me at all. I don't know how I feel about my T calling the police though. I'm not mad but I'm not glad she did either, just numb about it. I was just getting ready to pack up my pets to make sure they were taken care of, and go.

I wish I had the brain power to respond to you all, but I'm so numb right now that I can't even think straight.

 

[billie]

one thing at a time, we can wait hun.

 

[Echo]

@mytai - just let everyone take care of you now. Let your mind have a rest, as much as you can. You've just had an almighty shock. No wonder you can't think, and that's ok. Let Chelsea and your cat cuddle you. I am glad your therapist did that. She knows you are a valuable person, too.

 

[ill]

You don't have to respond to anyone, @mytai, but please do feel free to share anything you want to. Sometimes it really does help to share our grief and pain, especially with people who understand.

@mytai, when you say "go", do you mean what I think you mean? Is there anyone you trust and could spend a safe night with? Is there anything that would help even temporarily? Would it help to contact a crisis line?

 

[mytai]

Not sure why she called this time, and not other times. I'm not one to talk about suicide unless I'm really on the edge. The other times I haven't straight out said that I planned on killing myself, even though I was actively waiting for my attempt to succeed (they failed, clearly). Maybe after seeing me right after I got the news today, how emotional I was, made her think I was at a higher risk. I'm not normally one to cry in front of my T, if I do, it's a few tears and I shut it down, but today I cried the entire time.

When I said "go" I meant I was getting ready to take my pets to a boarding place so I knew they were taken care of, and then go commit suicide. I don't have anyone anywhere within immediate driving distance to stay with tonight. The mobile crisis team that came to my apartment a short while ago helped a touch. I see them in office tomorrow, just to try and help me through this crisis, help me work out next steps I guess. I called a crisis line immediately after leaving my T's office. I actually got more worked up on the phone. I seem to do better in person, phone calls get me more into the state I'm already in.

 

[ill]

I'm really glad that your T sent someone to you, @mytai. I'm really glad you're still here right now.