Tossed Aside Again

[Echo]

@mytai - I am glad you have an appointment tomorrow. It is easier to talk to people who already know your story at least in part than having to start all over again on the phone, isn't it?

I want you to know - and maybe some other women here will tell you similar stories - I was last raped when I was 20. Now I am 53 and it has never happened again. I may have PTSD now (though that relates to the things I didn't remember from childhood, not the last rape so much). Many very good things have happened in my life between then and now. I have had many happy times, known a lot of love, enjoyed my career to date (most of the time!) and so will you. There is a good future for you. There really is. It is impossible for you to see it now, but there is hope.

This whole reporting thing has taken an enormous amount out of you, and some of the stress you feel will recede over the next few days and weeks. You are totally exhausted and need a rest. The people you see tomorrow understand this and will look after you. Just keep breathing and be kind to yourself, as much as you can.

 

[ill]

Is there anything that we can do that could be of help to you? Are there any coping mechanisms you have that might help shut down your brain temporarily? I realize that might sound funny, but when big, terrible things have happened to me and I haven't felt able to deal with them, sometimes I just needed to escape in any way I could so I wouldn't hurt myself. Like choosing the lesser of two evils.

I was just about to say what @Echo did re: the stress and exhaustion. Today is a very hard and heavy day. The anxiety and subsequent fatigue of reporting, the inadequate police response, the appointments. You have been through so much today - too much, through no fault of your own - and now you're trying to process it all but your resources are probably all tapped out. It's not that you're going to wake up tomorrow and it won't matter, but tomorrow will be a different day and it may be slightly easier to process things when your body and mind have had a little bit more time and rest.

 

[mytai]

@Echo - I'm 23 going on 24 this year, my abuse has been going on for 18 to 20 years now. So that means for 75 - 83% of my life, this is all I've know. So you are right, I can't see any hope now because I can't even remember the years when I felt safe. It doesn't help that I haven't slept in a week. I try, but even medication isn't slowing my mind down. I know that not sleeping or eating properly doesn't help me to think straight, but I don't think anything would be different today if I was rested and well fed.

 

[greenleaf]

@mytai - please stay safe, and stay with your pets and stay with us. We want you here, please remember that.

 

[Echo]

@mytai - my abuse went on for 20 years, too. I remember like it was yesterday what it felt like when I was last raped. You remind me so much of how I was. I wish I could take you on a trip into your future to show you how good it can be. You've done the hardest part by going to the police. You don't have to do that any more. Your whole system is totally wired up, of course it is. Other ways of making yourself safe will not be hard like that. Every day in the coming week, you will be further away from it and you will gradually feel calmer. I wish they had taken you into hospital today. Is that an option for you?

 

[mytai]

@Echo - I wish I could see the hospital as an option tonight. Being in there makes me more stressed thinking about how I'm not at work, not making a wage, how I will make sure my animals are taken care of. I know there I could at least be given something strong enough to get me to sleep. I'm not working tomorrow, but if I was taken into the hospital, or walked in on my own, they wouldn't let me out before I had to work.

 

[scout86]

mytai, I'm so sorry they're idiots and that the system is what it is! Just because the detective has never heard of someone not remembering what happened a month ago makes it impossible? Good grief! All it means is his experience is limited. I hope they make the authorities in your uncle's community aware of what he is so they at least keep an eye on him.

Please take care of yourself and stick around! We all want you in our lives and I'd hate to see a despicable creature like your uncle deprive the world of your presence. If anyone needs to leave this world, it's him, ASAP. You're a huge plus and he's a definite minus.

 

[ill]

@mytai, I'm not sure if your CMHA has this or not, but I've heard about crisis beds at CMHAs for when someone needs a safe bed at night. If you're feeling up to using the crisis line, they should be able to let you know or if I know the vicinity you're in, I could try to google it or even ask my CMHA about some resources for you.

 

[Echo]

I hope you can just keep taking one hour at a time through to your appointment tomorrow. I hope you will keeping talking to people here or find something on TV or whatever just to distract you a little bit and fill the time.

I have to go to bed now. It is 2am here, but I will check back in when I can. I'm sure there are other people on here in your timezone if you find it helps to keep talking. Do whatever it takes and whatever you need. Echo x

 

[Ryn]

((((((((((((mytai)))))))))))))

I believe I am three hours earlier than you, and I will be up late tonight studying, so like Echo said, if you need someone to talk to, know that I am here.

I am so, so sorry to hear how you were treated today and the unfortunate turn of events the day has given you - and most of all for how awful you are feeling. :( I can only second all of what has been said above. I desperately wish I lived near you and could help take care of you.

Please - stay safe.

You are worth it. You are needed. You are loved. <3

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You've done what many could not. You stood up for yourself and reported your abuser. You should be VERY proud of yourself! (You're stronger than you think.)

Please take care of yourself. Get yourself as much care as you need. Focus on self-soothing and grounding.

I think that radical acceptance could really help you at this point. It helped me after I reported my abuser. You have done everything that you could to bring your abuser to justice. You haven't failed---you have succeeded. Rather, the system failed you. I think radical acceptance can help in that it will enable you to turn your focus away from your abuser and toward yourself. You can use energy on healing---that is, your abuser doesn't deserve a second more of your time, he doesn't deserve another thought. I'm not saying you can just forget he exists as he has had a great effect on you, rather your energy can be best used for healing rather than prosecution.

 

[Echo]

@mytai, I hope you are finding whatever it takes to get you through the hours to your appointment. Those people will really help you. Has Chelsea been able to help you meanwhile? Thinking of you and very proud of all you have achieved. You don't yet know what your positive outcome will be, but you will create it hour-by-hour, day-by-day in ways you can't yet imagine. I hope you're getting some rest or finding someone to talk to.