Tossed Aside Again

[mytai]

Haven't been able to sleep. Just been watching the rats play in their cage while Chelsea snores away on the bed. I feel like a zombie right now, so exhausted, both emotionally and physically. I can't cry anymore, my eyes are swollen so much that my tear ducts are hard. I just lie here and zone out. I don't feel anything, I'm so numb right now. It's still another 8 hours until that appointment this afternoon. It's 4:30am here, completely silent in my building, but I can hear his voice just laughing at me right now. I can hear him saying that I will never be able to create safety for myself.

 

[Echo]

@mytai - well that voice is just not telling the truth. He is wrong if he thinks he can control you. You have already proved that by reporting fully. That'll stay on the police records, so one false move and they'll have your testimony to refer to.

These abusers think they have the power but the reality is that while many women are raped and abused, most of continue to love, bring up children, have careers, make great contributions to society and daily show that these people cannot win. Just look around you on this forum. We are all dealing with all sorts of things, but we are here in defiance of that abuse. Many people don't realise it but they are surrounded by women like that, like us. You are here, @mytai, and you have just fought a big battle and you have suceeded in reporting fully. You faced your fear and you did it. Now you are tired and have no energy left, which is only to be expected. You are amazing and you are allowing yourself to rest. You are surviving, one step at a time.

 

[Bedbug]

@mytai, I am so sorry the police are not going to take this any further but that is absolutely not your fault and the fact that you were able to go so far with reporting this is incredibly powerful and inspiring. Your report will remain on record and who knows what may come of that in the future. Your uncle has not silenced you. At the very least, your courage and determination has given other people the belief that they can speak up too. You have also educated a large number of people at your own police department and at the hospital that treated you. You have made a difference.

I am so glad to have met you on here. You have such a strong voice. I know you won't see that, but it is true. The way you conducted yourself throughout this whole ordeal, the way you have cared for your animals and carryied on at your job, the way you have always had a kind word for others on here and have helped to lift many people up when they have been struggling - it is amazing and very inspiring. You should be so proud of who you are.

 

[Barconian]

I don't feel any hope in my life at all. I failed again to put a stop to the abuse. It's me, it's my fault they aren't taking it to court. I don't even know what to do at this point.

It's an obstacle not a failure!!! @mytai I'm sorry things didn't go so well :(

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I cannot believe that the police do not know about traumatic amnesia and/or dissociation and if they don't why they couldn't get someone with psychiatric training to explain that to them. I'm so sorry for everything you've posted here and whilst I don't really have much to say I want to say you have my full support and safe e-hugs. I wish there was something I could do more though. Snuggle the ratties for me.:hug:

 

[Rumors]

Mytai,
You are going to have to trust your therapist to help guide you through this time. It was her duty to make sure you were safe and I am glad she called the police, otherwise you were on your way to making a very scary choice. It isn't an option, sweet girl. You cannot think that it is an option anymore. Take that off the table. However, if your therapist thinks that you need to be inpatient for a while to get through this, I think you should consider it strongly. HE WINS if you don't muster the strength up to carry on and you simply cannot allow that to happen. This isn't about what is right or wrong, it is about how you can heal and be ok in the end. It takes a long time and a lot of work, but I would bet my money on you... Safe places today, mytai. Safe thinking and safe places... Sending strength.

 

[cherryblossom]

I'm not sure if your CMHA has this or not, but I've heard about crisis beds at CMHAs for when someone needs a safe bed at night.

What does CMHA mean? (Please avoid using abbreviations that other people won't understand. Thanks.)

 

[mytai]

@cherryblossom, it's the Canadian Mental Health Association.

@ill - they are the ones who came to my apartment last night to talk to me, I also had an appointment with them today.

 

[Ryn]

Hey @mytai. Just wanted to check up on you and send you lots of gentle hugs. I hope your appointment went well. Take care or your sweet self, okay? xx

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I second Ryn, I hope you're doing ok and I'm hoping that if you're not answering you might be getting some sleep. Sometimes the strength within you is not a big fiery flame for all to see, it is a tiny spark that whispers ever so softly "You can do this, keep going". Hope to see you back here soon.:hug:

 

[HelenB]

I had not realised you had started a new thread about all the things which have been happening since Thursday as I had only been checking alerts to see if you had updated, but have been thinking of you so much.

I am so sorry to hear that things have been so hard and that the police are not going to be taking your uncle to court, but am also glad that your therapist did call them and get you the support which you do deserve.

You are being so strong, and though this is so hard the whole fact that you reported him and took that stand, in itself says so much. You are not prepared for him to be able to take your body any more and are not going to allow him to own it, and taking this stand in itself, even without him being taken to court is part of you making that stand to protect yourself. You do not deserve to die. That is not the only way for you to escape from this and stop him having access to you. You are an amazing and precious person who deserves to have life and to find the freedom which you deserve and the more you can stand up inside yourself and say that this abuse is not ok - regardless of how it is played out in law and the courts - the more you can take that freedom back.

You have so much to offer the world and so much that you deserve from the world and I am praying that you really can take hold of some bit of hope and that you can finally find safety and freedom from the abusive acts which have been going on for so many years, as there is a way through and you do deserve that freedom so much.

In the meantime I agree with others that letting others support and look after you and finding ways to find immediate emotional safety and peace and having your physical needs met is so important.

You really are an inspiration and I will continue to pray for you and am sending you gentle hugs.

God bless
Helen

 

[Echo]

Thinking about you, @mytai - hoping the meds and your pets are helping you get some rest.