Totally Isolated. No Support.

[OKRADLAK]

My mind is opening again, a dark huge cavern. I hate it.

I feel so totally helpless and am totally alone. I do not know a single person here. Not one. I walk outside and do not know anyone. They are starting to look like trees.

I am so desperate. I can't see a T till the 31st but at least I have one. I came here for help. It's a good place but not knowing anyone....cut off from 100% of my support. I live in a tiny flat,sharing one room.

I am never ever alone now. It is me, going crazy, and a sweet couple who are old and kind. So kind.

But I can never be alone. I have no lock on my bedroom door, even.

I was doing OK. I ate near them, not with them. but near, like on a island in the kitchen. Until the dear man walked by room when he thought I was out. He said,

" I have no idea how she can stand to live that way-----"

The woman saw I was there and tried to make me feel better, but I just closed down. Three days now, can't go near him. He is so sweet, I do not understand. I did not say anything to him. He is very old and he is not a mean person at all. He did not even mean it in a mean way. It was more perplexed but it was like a knife, a huge knife plunged into my chest.

I CANNOT STAND TO LIVE THIS WAY for your info!!! I CANNOT STAND IT!!! How would you like it?? What if it was you? I did not have a perfect life . I did not get large inheritance and was not born with a healthy mind..

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO HAVE A HEALTHY MIND???? How does it feel to be near the end of life and never have a single major horrible event let alone many??? HOW DOES IT FEEL??

I have no idea.

 

[missd84]

(((((OKRADLAK)))))

You are not alone. I often ask myself the same questions and get angry when someone insinuates that we choose to live this way. We don't and we can't stand it. I try to remind myself that only someone afflicted by PTSD, can possibly understand it.

I'll be thinking of you and hope things will turn around for you soon.

 

[IvyMillie]

I think what he said, although not meaning to hurt you, would honestly hurt anybody's feelings. It's nice of you to defend him, and we all say things we don't mean. It was not very nice. However, we all live differently so I'm sure we could say that about alot of people, but they wouldn't chance to overhear us.

Is you situation permanent or just temporary? I do think it would be hard to live the way you are. I'm sure it's the best you can do right now.

In some situations a small change can make a huge difference. Can you ask them if you could put a lock on your door? Can you go to a library or other place to meet people? Do you need this time alone? Sometimes we do need some time for self-reflection even if we don't want it? Can you keep in touch with your support people in some way that would help you out more?

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope it will get better for you.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Thank you for the responses.It helps to take away some of the darkness.

Yes, I am supposed to be here for a while. I came here for treatment.

I am just staying in my room for now. I might try to get a lock or prop a chair against the door. When I do not feel safe, I get scared. Two old people can't harm me and they would never anyway. But you know when your brain starts to hum and then.......disassociation!:(

 

[Ted Moen]

Y'know, okradlak, more or less normal people engage in meaningless chatter all the time. It's how they pass the time and acknowledge each other. When a piece of their meaningless chatter catches our attention, we run it through our set of cognitive distortions and build the feeling of impending castrophy. In anticipation of therapy the feeling of impending catastrophy is very easy for us to generate.

It sounds to me like you are safe, you just don't feel safe. Check it out. When you get the feeling you are not safe open the door and look around. You're not going to sleep when you don't feel safe anyway. Check it out as often as you need to. When you get tired of checking it out (which is when the adrenaline rush from building the castrophe wears off) you will probably fall asleep. Sleep well.

You are not alone. All of us have either been where you are or are about to go there. Take good notes so you can share!

(((((((((okredlak))))))))))

Ted

 

[Heather]

(((((((Okradlak))))))))

 

[OKRADLAK]

Take good notes so you can share!

This means a lot.....like what I am going through may be of help to someone down the line. I will!!

Right now it's really affecting my eating. I can no longer eat around them and in my room, I try to nibble to be quiet and most times it feels as if I have not eaten at all.

After my trauma, eating became very private. I cannot do it in front of people at all, so it's usually off to the side or something, and loaded with rituals for some reason. Now I cannot do them and it's gulping, nibbling, and then craving because it's like I have not eaten at all.

I don't have an eating disorder, I don't think. No puking, no starving, no body image issues........

Now it's all messed up..........scary! Has anyone dealt with this?

 

[Girl3]

Having compulsions and obsessions can be a means of coping. Rituals feel protective. Impuslive sex with strangers to feel more in control of having been raped can be a compulsion that 'feels' initially good to the person doing it. But it's self-destructive. Your eating compulsions/rituals are not healthy - so they are a disorder.

I hope you're doing well with your therapist. Many blessings to you.

 

[OKRADLAK]

HI Girl------thank you for the response.....I did ask my T about it and she thinks I may have one, but it's not really blatant in that it is going to kill me....in other words, most people today seem to actually have an eating disorder. Very few people really have a healthy interaction with food because of what we have done to the food supply.

It gets really philosophical and I do believe her. She is one of those deep T's. I like that. Always seeing things differently. She said I can choose to make it an issue in therapy when and if I want to, but that it may be harder to address than even the trauma and may just drain a lot of time.

So I work on it on my own. I am reading a lot about it and do believe in the physical side of it, not emotional. At any rate, I have my hands full on all the other stuff and my T really is helping. It is like fresh water to get help after that long dry spell!!!:)

 

[Girl3]

I am so happy you have a therapist you like/love! That is the difference between life and living. Living is just the biological fact - LIFE is about the joy of breathing air, seeing colors, hearing music.

I agree with your therapist - if it isn't going to kill you (the eating rituals) - things low on the totem pole of cure can go on until they are the only thing you really have to deal with - and I wish you so much love to achieve these things.

Isolation is terrible. I have lived more than 4 decades without - and only in the past 3 years have received appropriate help. Keep working on your health, mind, serenity, love, support. You deserve to have a life not just live.

 

[Horse87]

I am the same I left my family that was taking care of me because of the little head games they played. I left to halfway across the globe. So far though it seems even here that I'm paranoid like my family is watching me or like the foster care system or someone. I don't think there has been a time sense I was a child that I havent felt like somone was trying to manipulate me or hurt me.

 

[ComfortNickel]

Maybe he was trying to be positive. My dad was like that, a simple statement would really cut. But eventually I realized that was the mindset from him growing up. This older man, maybe he is of the mindset of the ww2 era. They are much more blunt (ie the atomic bomb), and straightforward in thought. We have to be different because our world fails at bluntness. I would try to think he was posing his mental dellimma to his wife in a hope of understanding. If he really didn't like how you lived, I'd bet he wouldn't let you stay their. I think he was actually trying to be helpful but, we have our failings