Totally Isolated. No Support.

[jtri11517]

My mind is opening again, a dark huge cavern. I hate it.

I feel so totally helpless and am totally alone. I do not know a single person here. Not one. I walk outside and do not know anyone. They are starting to look like trees.

I am so desperate. I can't see a T till the 31st but at least I have one. I came here for help. It's a good place but not knowing anyone....cut off from 100% of my support. I live in a tiny flat,sharing one room.

I am never ever alone now. It is me, going crazy, and a sweet couple who are old and kind. So kind.

But I can never be alone. I have no lock on my bedroom door, even.

I was doing OK. I ate near them, not with them. but near, like on a island in the kitchen. Until the dear man walked by room when he thought I was out. He said,

" I have no idea how she can stand to live that way-----"

The woman saw I was there and tried to make me feel better, but I just closed down. Three days now, can't go near him. He is so sweet, I do not understand. I did not say anything to him. He is very old and he is not a mean person at all. He did not even mean it in a mean way. It was more perplexed but it was like a knife, a huge knife plunged into my chest.

I CANNOT STAND TO LIVE THIS WAY for your info!!! I CANNOT STAND IT!!! How would you like it?? What if it was you? I did not have a perfect life . I did not get large inheritance and was not born with a healthy mind..

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO HAVE A HEALTHY MIND???? How does it feel to be near the end of life and never have a single major horrible event let alone many??? HOW DOES IT FEEL??

I have no idea.

Closing down is a defense mechanism. You are only trying to protect yourself. I have been told that a healthy mind is not something you are born with. Healthy minds are made.
I wish you didn't have to wait so long to see a Therapist, that makes it so much harder for you.
I am glad that you get to go outside. The sunshine is supposed to help with the depression. I spend my days in my room and the best I do is open the blinds.
I hope you are doing a little better and that life becomes easier for you.

 

[Girl3]

Hope you are doing well OKRadlak. Is therapy good? helpful? Hugs to you.

 

[maddog]

Hi Okradlak. For some reason I missed this thread initially and have only just seen it.

How are you doing? How are things at home with the old couple you're living with? How is therapy going? How are things since you left work?

I live alone, and while that brings its own challenges at times, I know I am so very lucky not to have to share my private torture, including all manner of strange rituals and hypervigilant behaviours, with anyone else, or feel the pressure of anyone's scrutiny. In some ways the world knows only what I want it to, and 99.9% of those in my circle would know nothing of my private world.

I so hope things are going as ok as they can for you.

Maddog