Samantha_38
Silver Member
I've had some intense therapy sessions lately. Starting some exposure type therapy, with an intermixing of CBT. At least that's how I understand it, I don't think we're really doing any one specific treatment protocol because we tried that and I shut down completely.
Last week I disclosed a trauma. From beginning to end...told the whole story. Really probably the hardest moment I've ever had in therapy so far (not that I've been going that long compared to many) but it brought up some intense emotions, memories, triggers, and I dissociated and had flashbacks really the entire time. I left feeling terrible and really at the time never wanted to go back. I did however get over that throughout this last week, and went back today.
Today it was more discussing of it. I thankfully didn't have to re-tell anything. He did ask a lot of questions. The very cliche' "how does it make you feel...." type questions. Eventually he got down two main roots of how I've been thinking the whole thing through wrong. Basically the exact moments at which I blamed myself, 2 of them in this specific trauma.
Then he completely refuted them. In a way that actually mad sense to me, and I can't even begin to argue with. This was not the cliche' "because bad things happen for no reason...." It was specific to that exact moment of what I was feeling and what was happening. I have heard a lot of times, "it's not your fault..." and although I could see some light at the end of the tunnel where I agree and knew inside of me...it's not my fault. I still never 100% believed. Not to the point where I actually felt it. There's a confidence I get when I really know something...and I did not have that confidence yet. Now, I pretty much do.
It was mind blowing. When he asked me how I was doing after he explained these things I didn't even know what to say. I'm still shaking from it. Like literally, my brain could no longer process anything. It's as if I had just spent 3 days straight studying physics. My brain was and is still absolutely shut off. Like I could not possibly process anything else right now.
I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. It doesn't feel "bad" and I think it's good. I'm used to being numb, and my brain not allowing me to focus and do things but this is still different. Its like being numb, exhausted, lacking motivation and concentration all at the same time....but feeling "good" about it. That's as best as I can describe it, and I still don't think I'm doing it justice. I'm really having a hard time deciphering it, and what it means. Has anyone gone through similar?
Last week I disclosed a trauma. From beginning to end...told the whole story. Really probably the hardest moment I've ever had in therapy so far (not that I've been going that long compared to many) but it brought up some intense emotions, memories, triggers, and I dissociated and had flashbacks really the entire time. I left feeling terrible and really at the time never wanted to go back. I did however get over that throughout this last week, and went back today.
Today it was more discussing of it. I thankfully didn't have to re-tell anything. He did ask a lot of questions. The very cliche' "how does it make you feel...." type questions. Eventually he got down two main roots of how I've been thinking the whole thing through wrong. Basically the exact moments at which I blamed myself, 2 of them in this specific trauma.
Then he completely refuted them. In a way that actually mad sense to me, and I can't even begin to argue with. This was not the cliche' "because bad things happen for no reason...." It was specific to that exact moment of what I was feeling and what was happening. I have heard a lot of times, "it's not your fault..." and although I could see some light at the end of the tunnel where I agree and knew inside of me...it's not my fault. I still never 100% believed. Not to the point where I actually felt it. There's a confidence I get when I really know something...and I did not have that confidence yet. Now, I pretty much do.
It was mind blowing. When he asked me how I was doing after he explained these things I didn't even know what to say. I'm still shaking from it. Like literally, my brain could no longer process anything. It's as if I had just spent 3 days straight studying physics. My brain was and is still absolutely shut off. Like I could not possibly process anything else right now.
I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. It doesn't feel "bad" and I think it's good. I'm used to being numb, and my brain not allowing me to focus and do things but this is still different. Its like being numb, exhausted, lacking motivation and concentration all at the same time....but feeling "good" about it. That's as best as I can describe it, and I still don't think I'm doing it justice. I'm really having a hard time deciphering it, and what it means. Has anyone gone through similar?
