Toxic Parent

[Sianm]

I'm currently having major issues with my mum, and I'm not sure where our relationship (if you call it that) is heading.

My PTSD has come from her ex-husband who was a violent alcoholic. She divorced him 12yrs ago & married my now stepdad 7yrs ago.

She refuses to accept any blame for my mental health, reckons she's being used as a 'scapegoat'. She hasn't bothered to look up what PTSD is. She doesn't ask me how I'm doing. Doesn't ask how my therapy is going. She recently claimed I was causing my own depression. She came once to a therapy session with me, but that was after a week of tears, arguments and hurt as her husband was telling her not to go as it would cause THEM stress- never mind what I was going through!! She then just got annoyed in it & shut off as my therapist was telling her to take some blame & that I need her to be my mum.

Her husband also prolonged my trauma as he was very controlling & manipulative. I lived with them for 6 years until I plucked up the courage to walk out. He still tries to control me today in small ways.

My issue is that they seem so self-absorbed. They can't ever for once think of others. I'm her daughter, but she's not once put herself in my shoes. Her husband controls her & I feel he's turned her against her own daughter. They are constantly complaining when I don't go round every week, even though I'm now married with a stepdaughter to think about. I always end up feeling like I have to go, otherwise I'll get arguments etc & I can't deal with that so I rearrange my life so that I can fit it in.

We've never really had a proper mother-daughter relationship. She doesn't seem to have the maternal instinct. I'm looking for a mum that just isn't there. I also feel they are wanting a daughter that isn't in me either. They want me doing what they say all the time, nothing I do is ever good enough, never got congratulation from them for anything.

We've spent the last 10yrs on and off arguing about the same things, and we're still at square one.

My husband & others, including my therapist, have advised me to cut ties with them as it's all sucking the life out of me. I understand what they're saying, and I've sent my mum an email explaining this. But now I'm caught up in sad emotions, and my heart feels heavy. Don't know if this is right.

 

[kahlan]

It's a difficult position to be in for sure. If its truly a toxic relationship for you it can hinder your healing process, not to mention your emotional well being since you're not getting the closure or validation that you crave from her. I can empathize with your wanting her to be a mother and to feel the comfort of her owning her part, but with time acceptance that she isn't going to be able to give that will make it easier. Its hard now but long run you'll end up in a better place knowing you at least tried and did what's best for you in separating from an emotionally toxic situation.

 

[Everhopeful]

Dear Sianm

I can really relate to this. Some women should never have had any children of their own. Some women marry for all the wrong reasons and attract the most awful men as life partners. My mother made some awful decisions in her life that affected her children, we had 13 years of near sexual abuse, definitely emotional abuse at the hands of the man she married after divorcing our biological father. She married a total narcissist, a negative man if ever you meet one. That marriage hit the rocks after 13 years. Her latest choice in husband is no better, and my mom is now 68years of age! Age does not bring wisdom!

The latest husband is an absolute bully of a man, self-absorbed, negative, nothing good to say about anything or anyone, but so quick to feel sorry for himself and wonder why nobody likes him. My mom has always placed her marriages before her children, but she fools herself into thinking she has always been a good mother, doing what is best for the children. Emotional neglect and abandonment are foreign concepts to her. It sounds as though you were thoroughly neglected and abandoned by your mom too. Does it ever change? Or does one find oneself perpetually fighting a losing battle with a person who cannot change?

Well done in being able to walk away from living with your mom and her now husband. That must have taken a lot of strength to cope with all the backlash from them.

You will find more strength to walk away even further from them, and perhaps come to acceptance that this is as good as it gets with your mom. And forgive her. I know I hope for this for myself, too.

 

[Sianm]

My mom has always placed her marriages before her children, but she fools herself into thinking she has always been a good mother, doing what is best for the children.

Wow, I am soooo relieved to know it's not just my mum that says this about herself! I was starting to feel like I wasn't seeing something with her as she always says this of herself, but clearly I'm not wrong in my judgement.

I don't get how so many mums end up like this! It's craziness.

It's a tough situation, as I still want to see my younger brother (who lives with them) regularly so I will still have to see them to pick him up/drop him off -that's if they don't withhold him from me yet again- but I can't deal with the fighting anymore.

She told my nan yesterday that she doesn't understand why I'm asking for space & a break from her. Yet again, she doesn't see the obvious.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

My mom is much the same.

I'm in the middle of cutting ties. I say the middle because its a back and forth process. I have doubts, reconsider, etc, but in the end I know my decision to separate is right.

 

[Candleflames]

Your mom and my mom sound an awful lot a like. My mom also defines her relationships by what she gets out of them and cannot exist with out a man. About 9 years ago I completed a momectomy and have been freed from her binds. It wasn't easy and I had a few false starts but I cannot stay with someone who will not protect her children. She really is more of an overgrown child playing house. It's just she's playing with real lives and not dolls.

It sounds to me like your mom is just as manipulative as the men she has married. She doesn't accept any responsibility and tells you she's a scapegoat? That sound like emotional blackmail to me. Then they complain that you are not there frequently enough and present arguments so you'l set aside your life to make theirs better. Yep, emotional blackmail. You are not responsible for their emotional fulfillment. Also it doesn't sound like a daughter isn't what they are looking for but more of an adoring fan. Your better than that.

Her husband controls her & I feel he's turned her against her own daughter.

I have children and nothing or no one will make me not protect them. That just isn't going to happen. He can't turn her against you. If she's had two husband and both of them have been abusive in some way, she was never "with you" to begin with. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh and maybe I'm projecting my own mom issues here, but there's too many similarities.

I feel for you. One of our greatest instinct is to bond with a primary caregiver. It sucks when our caregiver can't bond with us. It messes with the head. We can heal from this though.

 

[Sianm]

Oh yes, I realise now that it's emotional blackmail. I've had emotional blackmail for the last 10 years since she met her husband. I would always try & try to fight against it, but I'd always give in as (because of my PTSD) I fear confrontation & arguments.

It's not even a fan they want, think it's a robot. When I lived with them (I was 14 when they met & stayed until I was 20) her husband would control what I wore, stopped me from wearing makeup, would go through my phone, I couldn't talk to men, couldn't go out with my friends, had a rota of housework I had to do every day. He would complain & question every Sunday why I went to church so I stopped going because of the hassle, would get into big arguments if I was -god forbid- 10mins late or the bus was late as 'obviously' I'd been up to no good.... the list goes on. I became a robot, I wasn't me.

Even now, I still tend to ask my husband if its ok for me to do silly little things, or apologise profusely if I'm later than I say I'll be, and he always tells me I'm free to do whatever I want etc. I'm still in the mode of feeling like I'm always going to get into trouble if I do something slightly different that's not been pre-authorised!

Absolutely crazy!

But yet my mum & her husband reckon they just tried to parent me & I was the one who was unruly & horrible...

 

[Deleted member 1860]

So you know they aren't going to change. You can either accept things as they are and continue to be controlled by them, or you can change and get out from under their control.

 

[Candleflames]

The part about wanting to keep your relationship with your brother just sunk in. That's a hard one for me. My siblings is the reason I tried so hard to have a good relationship with my mom and the reason I have some contact with my dad and step-mom. It's really tough, both keeping up the contact and cutting off ties.

With my mom I came to the realization that the damage I was incurring by trying to jump through her hoops was interfering with my ability to connect with my brothers and sister. It poisoned all the relationships I had around her because it poisoned my thinking about myself so much I couldn't connect with any of them. It has taken years to get to undo that damage and I'm still not done healing those breaks. Keeping contact so I can have a window in my other sister's life has been difficult as well, just in a different way. It's obvious that there is animosity between me and our parents and she doesn't understand why. My sister is much younger than me and so wasn't around when things were really bad. Plus my step-mom is a master at playing the victim so who knows what lies she has spun so that everyone believes I am that bad one. Like you they my step-mom believes she did a wonderful job considering how difficult I was to raise.

Maybe it would be helpful to envisions how you'd like the relationships to be, both the ideal and the realistic. Then you can figure out what exactly it is you want out of this, what you can do to achieve it and how you can react when your mom steps out of line. Like Solara pointed out, you can't control her but you can control how you deal with her. Can hubbie help you practice how to stand up to her so that it doesn't feel so foreign in the moment?

You don't have to have it all down right now. Separating is a process. For now putting some distance between you is a good idea. You can slowly build up that distance over time. Then once your brother is old enough that he doesn't have their constant overlording you will be able to cut off contact with them.

 

[frame]

I can relate here, as I've asked for space from my parents also the last few months and although I do feel guilt over that, I can't deny that I am much better off and balanced without them in my life. I'm still not sure how it will work out...I go back and forth about what level of contact I want with either of them, if any. Hang in there, sounds like you are looking after your own emotional welfare and that is the best thing you can be doing.

 

[Sianm]

It's my brother that's got me. My brother is much younger than me & he wasn't around when my mum was with her ex. He was around when her current husband was controlling, but was too young to understand what was going on. He controls him now, but doesn't see it. My brother has now said that he doesn't want anything to do with me until I am nice to our mum. He has been shown all the messages back & forth (he's only 11) and thinks I am the one being horrible. He has no idea what's gone on!! I'm absolutely livid & have had to say that if that's how he feels then I can't force him to want me, but I won't be controlled by their emotional blackmail. Why should I have to talk to them & try to 'fix' things with them to be able to see my brother?

I'm so upset as I never want him out of my life, but it looks like he's been turned against me. I don't know what to say or do about this.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

((((Sianm))))

I read every word of what you said here. I can relate to ALL of it so intimately.

I don't have any advice as I'm still dealing with it. I've gone back and forth between No Contact, Low Contact, etc. Its tough. I know.

Just wanted you to know that, like others here, I can relate too. There are good books about Toxic parents. They have helped me.