Toxic Shame

[mary1979]

Thank you both :)
Positive reinforcement rocks, and I'm not giving myself a lot of that right now.

I keep telling myself 'well you know what you need to do, and can manage it sometimes, so why not all the time?'

Does anyone else struggle to identify exactly what it IS they are feeling?

I literally need to halt myself at each change to work it out.

Took me half hour yesterday to work out that what i was feeling was nervousness lol
Usually id feel 'strange' and be like 'oh that must be guilt'
Lol wtf? How did I turn nervousness to freaking guilt?

 

[Thinkbig]

So...it took you half an hour and you were actually able to identify how you were feeling?!? That's awesome! Being able to ask these questions makes all the difference. This means you not as lost during these moments as you think. Sure it's a process but you are actually doing it!

 

[Neverthesame]

alcohol is no excuse

Understanding this is a difficult thing to do. Also a step in the right direction.

it's a hell of a dangerous drug. I would avoid it if I were you. I have to...

Couldn't agree more. Staying off the sauce is a choice I have also actively made. One I have never regretted.

For myself, it's anger that I have the most trouble with.

It takes very little for me to allow myself to fly off the handle and get angry, loud and rude. I'm not a physically violent person, but I am certainly loud and hurtful when I start running my mouth.

It's been difficult to work on. As in the moment I feel totally justified in what I say and do in anger. It's only later, that I will think about it, then the regret kicks in. Alcohol makes the delusion of justification last longer, and raises the bar on what level of "asshole" is appropriate for a given situation.

I am alot better at controlling this than I used to be. Still have a long way to go, but I am improving. The first time someone had commented on the improvement they noticed in me, was a person I worked with on a different shift. After a few years of not working together, they were moved to a similar rotation as me.

They mentioned how nice it was to not have to hear an obscenity filled tantrum, every time something didn't go right for me. I don't doubt it is nicer, no one should have to work around that. It was lovely to be complimented for my behaviour, instead of having to apologise for it.

 

[mary1979]

Understanding this is a difficult thing to do. Also a step in the right direction.

Couldn't agre...

Oh well done on kicking the booze @Neverthesame!!

Its nice to wake up in the morning, remembering how you got to bed and not having to go over your night or check your texts to work out who you need to be sorry to right? Haha

Yeah my temper only ever leaked out after a few too many, I can be a door matt sober though so ill be looking for a happy medium soon.

How long have you not drank for?

I'm finding reality difficult, especially as I take responsibility for all my mistakes. I struggle to not look for some way to get out of my head.

First weekend was too many over the counter sleep meds, second week someone gave me marijuana brownies, third weekend back to sleep pills and this weekend I'm attempting reality.

It fkn sucks.

 

[Neverthesame]

A bit over 4 years.

Exactly. Not remembering what I did is an awful feeling. Especially knowing what I can be like.

And hangovers are dreadful.

I still do the sleep med thing. Working one thing at a time.

I agree, reality is miserable when you aren't used to it.

I find playing a game on the phone or laptop helps. Keeps me busy, without too much effort when I'm tired.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think it's ok to start with the positives.. I self-internalize shame & stuff, so I find it hard to ever 'yey me'. If you have that strength that is wonderful to build upon. :) :tup: Also to realize your H's negative actions are his to own. Do you have a sponsor or try AA?

 

[Lin74]

Dealing with the toxic shame thing myself. Its going to seem weird but being ignored by the last person i was involved with when we bump into each other triggers the shame spiral and anxiety for days. DAYS. At this point, as we dont really talk and I can't say my reaction is because I'm in love with him. It's a blend of fear (last abusive relationship being ignored, silent treatment was a part of the abuse) and this person I was involved with both ditched me for someone else, lied about certain things and didn't really respond when I told him i had been previously abused. So i guess it's a shame cocktail.

I wrote him an email because I previously tried to just maintain some civil friendliness with him. He took that the wrong way (like I wanted him? And promptly delivered some more disrespect.)

So, i just outright told him in an email, i'm in treatment for ptsd when we see each other on the street and you ignore me it triggers me. I don't need to be friends but it'd be nice if i didn't get the cold shoulder.

Of course, no response.

The shame is an ugly thing. Oh, and i'm at a convention for an organization I'm a part of, social justice stuff. Someone at head office has been charged with sexual assault of three members. If that's not bad enough, someone distributed a horrible letter at the convention, naming and shaming the victims.

Feeling totally triggered and awful.

 

[mary1979]

Dealing with the toxic shame thing myself. Its going to seem weird but being ignored by the last person i...

What a jerk ex you have @Lin74, I sure am glad you put him in your past.

Being ignored has become a trigger for me as well in recent years, it makes you feel completely worthless doesn't it? Especially when it is someone you once cared a great deal for.

I struggle really badly when I feel like my husband is shutting me out.

And hanging out with someone on sexual abuse charges?
Just great, I hope you have at least one supportive person with you at all times to reassure you?

Triggers suck.

 

[Houdini]

It is very comforting reading this thread...I am currently also dealing with hightened toxic shame due to an alcohol-induced evening of going on complete self-destruct mode. I think it might even be the straw that has broken the camel's back (although I have thought about going sober before, actually doing it is a complete different thing). The flashbacks of what I did just keep haunting me, and I haven't eaten anything in over 2 days because these thoughts of me are literally making me sick as well as proving to myself that I can have self-control. And yes, being ignored/rejected is the worst kind of trigger: with me it disintergrates all the progress I have made with my T and triggers self-destruct mode. The most depressing thing of all I feel is that it is always going to be there. My thought patterns, my self-destruct mode etc. will always be things I'll have to deal with. Sometimes it just would be really nice to have a day off: it can be so exhausting being in this constant battle with yourself.

 

[mary1979]

@Houdini I'm so very sorry you have to identify with this thread, hugs to you xxxx

The good news is that 7.5 weeks on from this post and I'm in a little better place.

I've seen what we have done to ourselves referred to here as re traumatising.
Its like we repeat the patterns of our abuse over and over, almost like confirming our worthlessness to ourselves and everyone around us.

The next step (you already took the first one by coming here, and outing yourself instead of continuing to internalise) is stop drinking hun, I found it almost impossible to stop myself from repeating the same crap over and over when drunk, and it was growing worse with each binge.

Bed of luck to you and if you need an ear I'm always about and happy to oblige xxx

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Mary, I'm coming from the same place that you're at. My husband would inadvertently trigger me, then I would fly into a rage or break down. I had to quit drinking many years ago because I would black out and not know what disgusting things had done. I realized that if I ever wanted kids, I couldn't afford to end up dead or in prison.

Through therapy, I've learned that all of my anger, all of my rage, hurt, disappointment, shame all come from one place -the loss of of a sense of safety. Apparently, that's what drives PTSD sufferers, and everything we do can be related directly back to that. It makes sense. Our bodies are trying to protect us at any cost.

EMDR has helped me so much, as has SuperBetter, in healing my shame and giving me a sense of safety. If I can help you in any way to move farther down the healing path, just let me know.

 

[mary1979]

Mary, I'm coming from the same place that you're at. My husband would inadvertently trigger me, th...

You are spot on.

I've been thinking about going for emdr, so you recommend it?
How long have you been doing it now?

Be super interested in your opinion of it, and how it works