Trapped In Depression

[Caterpillar]

Ever since my last trauma in January, and especially since my fiance has fallen into the depressive side of his Bipolar Disorder, I've been in a depression I can't get free from. And, frankly, I don't see any reason why I shouldn't be depressed.

My mental health isn't good enough to go through the training and stress required for a real career. I want to be a professional author, but that's mostly a matter of luck and so far my luck with that has been as crap as my luck with everything else. All the joy and humor that was such a mark of my fiance and I, that used to lift us and everyone else up, has been destroyed by trauma and a mental disorder over which I have no control. The trauma we went through in January was my fault (really, it was, this isn't just PTSD thinking). One of my close friends is falling apart mentally and won't accept real help. My other close friend has already been defeated by illnesses and life. Fiance and I used to lift her up; now we just make her sad, even if she's too nice to say so.

I'm not suicidal. I truly want to live, to do things and have fun. I want my life to have accomplishments and meaning. But at every turn, illness seems to take this away (my own problems and those of others). Just why shouldn't I be depressed?

My mother thinks fiance and I feed off each others' depression, which may be somewhat true, but I tried for weeks to be upbeat and hopeful. It didn't help and I eventually ran out of energy to pretend I don't hate my life.

I know I tend to dig the hole deeper when I'm like this. I get too depressed to find the motivation to do things like volunteer work or writing that might make me feel better. But it's still a cycle I don't know how to escape.

Before people ask, fiance and I are both in treatment for our mental problems and on medication. It's just not working. I have both pills and coping techniques which are great against anxiety, but absolutely nothing I've tried has helped the depression more than slightly.

 

[Pencil]

@Caterpillar - some very random thoughts:

I've been thinking a lot lately about narrative therapy. I don't know why I'm saying it here - but somehow I want to - see if you have any thoughts on this in relation to what you're saying.

Are you part of a writing group? Might that help? When we're depressed we don't have enough energy for a lift-off, and the right kind of stimulation usually gives us that.

 

[Caterpillar]

I've been think a lot lately about narrative therapy. I don't know why I'm saying it here - but somehow I want to - see if you have any thoughts on this in relation to what you're saying.

I had to Google that; I'd never heard of it before. It sounds interesting, but I'm not sure where I'd find someone that practiced that or if it would help.

I do have dreams and a long list of things I'd like to do. The problem is they're all emotionally, physically, and/or financially out of reach. Or out of reach in all three ways, lol. I do take chances, I do grab any hint of an opportunity that presents itself. I want out of the situation I'm stuck in badly. I just keep getting shot down.

It's like, I want to volunteer and help people, but 90% of the volunteer opportunities are through Christian organizations, which I can't deal with because of a past history of Spiritual Abuse. Then a lot of the remaining ones want references. I don't have references because I'm self-employed and work alone. I emailed the few remaining possibilities, but they never emailed me back. I guess I could call, but it doesn't seem like I should have to beg for the opportunity to give freely of my time.

Other things are nixed by my mental issues. Like, I'd like to advocate for the mentally ill in my area, but nobody wants an advocate who has a panic attack if they get within 100 yards of a hospital. My childhood dream was to be an EMT. Considering I'm horribly triggered by flashing lights, ambulances, and hospitals, that one ought to work out just splendidly.

Are you part of a writing group? Might that help?

I am a member of several online writing groups, though I haven't been very active in them lately. I guess forcing myself to participate, despite the fact I really don't care and feel like I have nothing to say, might help. It couldn't hurt, I guess.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm sorry things seem so bleak right now. :hug:

Meds and coping skills alone only helps me survive, not really get better. Perhaps some therapeutic work to process the underlying trauma might help in addition to coping skills and meds.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Sometimes with depression I find that it is impossible to even take the smallest of steps, so I have to crawl. Maybe since jumping right back into writing seems hard right now, try to read some short stories? Maybe just one or two a day to begin with. Then maybe start brainstorming some ideas.

Always set an achievable goal so that at the end of the day you can be encouraged instead of being beat down. Maybe for you and your fiancé you can think of fun things you would like to do that are cheap/free and easy. Like for me, I like to go for walks. Sometimes it is too much to drive to a park where there is people, so instead I start with something smaller. Some days its all I can do just to sit outside and soak up some sun. But I start with that and have no higher expectations for that day. Then maybe a day or so later I can walk around my neighborhood for a bit.

You can get through this, be kind and gentle to yourself. You have been through a lot and it didn't take just one day to get like this, so it will take more than a day to come out of it. We are here for you :hug:

 

[Go Hungry]

I know when you're depressed all the reassuring words in the world seem flat but, we are here for you, and you deserve happiness. I would be careful though, because from experience, two people who are depressed can very much feed into each other. I'm not sure how you can deal with this, but I'm pretty sure communication will help a lot. There could be feelings that neither of you knows the other is having.

:hug:

 

[Hashi]

I'd like to advocate for the mentally ill in my area, but nobody wants an advocate who has a panic attack if they get within 100 yards of a hospital.

I've had to make a big adjustment in order to work on healing from PTSD and now, much more, from depression and anxiety. Rather than having a picture of what I want to do and seeing that I can't, I try to see healing itself as what I'm here for.

Maybe the best thing you can do for the mentally ill in your area is to work on your own healing. What form that would take for you, I don't know. For myself, I'm having to accept, face and understand my depression in a way I never have before. Not to try to push through/past it, not to try to manage it, and not to surrender to it either. The same for anxiety.

I've been depressed for years and feel I really have tried everything. But I have to find another way, somehow. What I've tried are the standard approaches, like CBT, medication, talk therapy, exercise. I think one reason these do little for me is that they are too much about managing the symptoms and not enough about healing the causes.

I think working on the causes might be very different from one person to the next. I wonder if there's a general aspect which is about needing to face the darkness (in a way that's healing) in order to truly recover ourselves. We aren't usually encouraged to do that, beyond some talking in therapy which I don't feel is deep or strong enough.

We're usually encouraged to set life goals, exercise, see friends, engage in activities and so on. I think those things can have a place as part of the skills to support us through the work, but I don't think they're the work itself.

At times I think they can actually get in the way, because we're comparing ourselves to our goals rather than focussing on what we need to focus on in the moment. Sometimes we have to give ourselves a break from having more usual ambitions, because the ambition of healing from depression is big enough in itself. Working on that can sometimes be much quieter and more introspective, even the kind of self-care that's needed can be quieter and more introspective.

It isn't always about trying to lift ourselves up. Painful as it is, it can also be about finding a way to stay at the level where we are to do some healing of that.

 

[bell]

Okay, a few things:

1. I would start the goal to "be an author," not "a professional author." Because you need to be the former before you can be the latter. As an author who got her first book deal from her blog, my advice would be start some sort of blog or otherwise put your writing out there. Having it sit in a drawer (or in your head) doesn't get you anywhere. If you have a blog of some sort, start commenting on other people's blogs who do similar things and start building a community.

2. That 90% of volunteering opportunities come from Christian orgs is wrong. I think it's more that you're looking in the wrong places. For example, what about your local animal shelter? I bet you dollars to donuts, they have sod all to do with religion. I've volunteered at numerous animal shelters, and they just want/need people that are compassionate and I have never volunteered with one that needed references to do so. Working with kids, full stop, will need references. What about volunteering at a retirement home? They also don't need references that I know of. Get creative about where you can help and don't limit your thinking in that everyone is religion based.

3. As for you and your fiance "feeding off each other" is probably correct, when it comes to depression. Therefore, the goal is to "feed off" the good behaviors, not the bad. Depression loves to find company in misery and can sometimes kick the shite out of joy. And it resists being fought. However, *you* have to be stronger than your depression. *You* have to be stronger than it. It is *your* responsibility to fix yourself, not your fiance. And in many cases, once one person in a relationship starts to "fix" themselves, the other person follows suit. Therefore, fixing yourself will help "fix" your fiance.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

It's like, I want to volunteer and help people, but 90% of the volunteer opportunities are through Christian organizations, which I can't deal with because of a past history of Spiritual Abuse.

Agree with @bell. I volunteer at my local library a few hours a week. Nothing to do with Christianity there.

 

[Caterpillar]

Thank you all so much for your kind responses. They really do help.

Meds and coping skills alone only helps me survive, not really get better. Perhaps some therapeutic work to process the underlying trauma might help in addition to coping skills and meds.

You're probably right about this. I know that bad experiences from the past are driving my reactions now.

The problem is that therapy has never helped me in the past. I have general trust issues which are magnified by intense paranoia surrounding the medical profession. Just the idea of talking to a professional triggers a lot of anxiety and makes me put up all my defenses.

@FindingMyself88
Thanks for your post. I actually read it yesterday and did decide to follow your advice and go to the park with my fiance. It did help some. Both my fiance and I definitely have a problem with setting goals too high, expecting ourselves to just "snap out of it" and accomplish things like we used to. I need to work on being gentle with myself.

I would be careful though, because from experience, two people who are depressed can very much feed into each other. I'm not sure how you can deal with this, but I'm pretty sure communication will help a lot.

You're right about communication being key. When I'm depressed, I tend to curl up and refuse to talk about how I feel, which has been exasperating the situation. I actually shared a bit of what I was thinking yesterday and it opened up a good conversation. I realized I'd been effectively preventing my fiance from being able to help or support me by refusing to share how I felt. Part of my reasoning was that I didn't want to hurt him by saying that his problems were part (though not all) of why I'm struggling, but I think I was doing a lot more damage shutting down than I would by telling the truth.

I haven't exactly fixed my problems, but at least I'm not curled up crying because I hate my life today, which is an improvement.