Im turning 20 in a few weeks and i dont want to waste the "best" years of my life like this. I had some bad things happen when I turned 16 and for the last 4 years I've been lost in a haze. My pastor sexually abused me and convinced me my family thought i was wicked and he was my only true friend.
I hallucinate frequently now. I see bloody children, boney hags and shadowy figures with long robes on. I hear voices call my name and whisper to me. I understand what I am experiencing is not real, but I become so frightened I have to hide. The fear is so intense i am never without a knife or something to defend myself with. When forced to be in large groups of people (work related meetings, etc.), I must sit with my back against a wall, close to an exit, as far away from everyone as possible.
I know no one is going to read this shit, but im so scared. Please tell me what i can do to make it stop!
I am afraid of myself as well. I have repetitious thoughts of hurting others, of humiliating them, and using them sexually. I avoid making any lasting friendships for fear of what I am capable of. I regularly burn and cut myself to control what I feel. I enjoy it at times, but mostly i feel its necessary.
I hold a job and live independently. I refuse to take any medication or be committed to a sanitorium. I saw a shrink once and they told me to breath more, so I walked out. They can try breathing when they see what I do. They also attempted to have my knives taken away. Ridiculous! How am I to defend myself?
Even with these annoyances, I am considering going back to a psychiatrist because my symptoms have gotten much worse. I dont want to hurt anyone or be any trouble, I just need answers. Please tell me someone out there understands this and has similar issues! I am so lost and alone. Am I the only one? Am I just crazy?
I hallucinate frequently now. I see bloody children, boney hags and shadowy figures with long robes on. I hear voices call my name and whisper to me. I understand what I am experiencing is not real, but I become so frightened I have to hide. The fear is so intense i am never without a knife or something to defend myself with. When forced to be in large groups of people (work related meetings, etc.), I must sit with my back against a wall, close to an exit, as far away from everyone as possible.
I know no one is going to read this shit, but im so scared. Please tell me what i can do to make it stop!
I am afraid of myself as well. I have repetitious thoughts of hurting others, of humiliating them, and using them sexually. I avoid making any lasting friendships for fear of what I am capable of. I regularly burn and cut myself to control what I feel. I enjoy it at times, but mostly i feel its necessary.
I hold a job and live independently. I refuse to take any medication or be committed to a sanitorium. I saw a shrink once and they told me to breath more, so I walked out. They can try breathing when they see what I do. They also attempted to have my knives taken away. Ridiculous! How am I to defend myself?
Even with these annoyances, I am considering going back to a psychiatrist because my symptoms have gotten much worse. I dont want to hurt anyone or be any trouble, I just need answers. Please tell me someone out there understands this and has similar issues! I am so lost and alone. Am I the only one? Am I just crazy?
