Sufferer Trapped, Lost, and Drowning in my diagnosis.

[Trapped_Lost]

Hi, I’m a 22yr old single mother with CPTSD, chronic anxiety, and Bipolar Disorder. I feel alone, and after I got diagnosed a few days ago I’m scared and kind of hopeless. I was hoping they’d tell me that I am just anxious and depressed, but they told me I have PTSD, and complex PTSD at that and that I’m bipolar. Makes sense, growing up I was molested, then I found out my dad isn’t my dad, met my bio dad and family only to watch him beat my brothers and his wife, his wife then murdered my brother and he dies shortly after that, I’ve been drugged and raped, and to top it off my entire pregnancy was spent with a man who liked to hit me and make me feel even more worthless than I already did. Oh and I just gave birth to my youngest son, but placed him with family friends because I can’t even take care of myself and my 3yr old son let alone a baby. I’m drowning here, and I have NO ONE, to talk to that understands what it feels like to relive the bs. Let it be flashbacks or nightmares, or constantly looking over your shoulder, I just wish i knew someone that gets it. Everyone either tries to get it, pretends to get it, or just gets pissed off at me because it’s stupid that everyday adult things are that hard to do. I’m afraid of my boyfriend who would NEVER hurt me, and I’m afraid to apply at less shitty jobs because what if one of these assholes that has hurt me works there? Or what if I say something stupid and don’t get hired even though I’m over qualified? f*ck man. I just wish someone got it, you know? It’d be nice to feel normal.

Anyways thanks for reading.

 

[lutz0660]

Hi, I’m a 22yr old single mother with CPTSD, chronic anxiety, and Bipolar Disorder. I feel alone, and after I got diagnosed a few days ago I’m scared and kind of hopeless. I was hoping they’d tell me that I am just anxious and depressed, but they told me I have PTSD, and complex PTSD at that and that I’m bipolar. Makes sense, growing up I was molested, then I found out my dad isn’t my dad, met my bio dad and family only to watch him beat my brothers and his wife, his wife then murdered my brother and he dies shortly after that, I’ve been drugged and raped, and to top it off my entire pregnancy was spent with a man who liked to hit me and make me feel even more worthless than I already did. Oh and I just gave birth to my youngest son, but placed him with family friends because I can’t even take care of myself and my 3yr old son let alone a baby. I’m drowning here, and I have NO ONE, to talk to that understands what it feels like to relive the bs. Let it be flashbacks or nightmares, or constantly looking over your shoulder, I just wish i knew someone that gets it. Everyone either tries to get it, pretends to get it, or just gets pissed off at me because it’s stupid that everyday adult things are that hard to do. I’m afraid of my boyfriend who would NEVER hurt me, and I’m afraid to apply at less shitty jobs because what if one of these assholes that has hurt me works there? Or what if I say something stupid and don’t get hired even though I’m over qualified? f*ck man. I just wish someone got it, you know? It’d be nice to feel normal.

Anyways thanks for reading.

I can relate to some of that story, though I do not suffer from bipolar disorder. Just know that you are not alone. I know it sounds cheesy, but It's all I got right now. I was abused my entire child hood. I was abused by religious people, a fire fighter, a cop... now I work as a first responder and am triggered constantly, yet have to be ok all the time. It is exhausting! I can't help you, but I can listen!

 

[Trapped_Lost]

Thank you. At least you’re honest. I googled PTSD Forums hoping to read other people’s posts and feel a bit better about it. I definitely am starting to feel less alone. Still feel stupid. Still feel crazy. But less alone I think. I know there isn’t a cure for PTSD, I wish there was, but at least there’s hope I suppose.

 

[lutz0660]

Thank you. At least you’re honest. I googled PTSD Forums hoping to read other people’s posts and feel a bit better about it. I definitely am starting to feel less alone. Still feel stupid. Still feel crazy. But less alone I think. I know there isn’t a cure for PTSD, I wish there was, but at least there’s hope I suppose.

I think that it is important to think about PTSD or CPTSD with compassion. It may not have a cure, but it does become manageable over time with diligence and hard work. I'm in the same boat as you... I put it off for a really long time and then I chose a career path that caused more trauma and thought I would be fine... and I was wrong. Now I have to learn how to cope with my issues, but it is possible!

 

[Justmehere]

Welcome to the forums! You are not alone.

 

[Trapped_Lost]

Thank you

 

[Never_falter2]

Welcome to the boards @Trapped_Lost I am a mother too and was a young mother and know it is sometimes hard to care for a young child (even if you do not have ptsd) but I think if you feel unable to take care of yourself and your son this is a warning sign. Do you have somebody to discuss this with? Maybe a social worker. There is no shame in asking for help. Raising a child must be very tough if you are feeling that unwell.