Trauma Bonding

[shimmerz]

All my research and I didn't know about this. I found it in the 'Best Posts' section. I highly recommend it for those of you who haven't gone through it. Tons of good stuff in there. I am going to research trauma bonding now, but really value any input that members here have about it. I can relate to most things on this list. Huge implications for my relationships. Now, how to fix it. I need to get on this or I will be right back to where I started from. This is a huge eye opener for me.

Trauma Bond Characteristics

1. When you obsess about people who have hurt you and they are long gone (obsess means to be preoccupied, fantasize about and wonder about even though you do not want to)
2. When you continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain
3. When you go "overboard" to help people who have been destructive to you
4. When you continue being a "team" member when obviously things are becoming destructive
5. When you continue attempts to get people who are clearly using you to like you
6. When you again and again trust people who have proved to be unreliable
7. When you are unable to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships
8. When you want to be understood by those who clearly do not care
9. When you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would cost you nothing to walk away
10. When you persist in trying to convince people that there is a problem and they are not willing to listen
11. When you are loyal to people who have betrayed you
12. When you are attracted to untrustworthy people
13. When you keep damaging secrets about exploitation or abuse
14. When you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility

Please, let me know your thoughts. I would much appreciate it.

 

[Intrepid]

I decided a few days ago that I needed to let go of my ex. I quickly realized that there are several people like her who I need to let go of. Each of these apply in one way or another.

I need to get on this or I will be right back to where I started from.

Me too. Thanks for posting this.

 

[BlueOrange]

All my research and I didn't know about this.

Same here!

Looking at the list, it used to be huge negative influence on my life. These days, less so.

There are a lot of things that I've done and things that have happened which reduced this influence:

1. Working in sales has brought me into contact with a lot more people, and helped me to recognize the different ways that the same message can be received.
2. Various things that caused me to develop a sense of myself as a strong and tough person (even if others don't see me being strong and tough) have reduced my need to find someone stronger and tougher than me to take care of me
3. Being aware of some of those tendencies (even if I didn't have a name for them), and actively seeking other, more positive relationships

The third one is really tricky. As most of us will already know, saying "This is bad, I don't want it" tends not to actually lead us away from it. Sometimes, it seems to make it happen more! The trick that worked for me is to say "This other thing is good, even though it's uncomfortable, and I'm going to pursue it." It's much easier (but less productive) to come up with lists of bad things, but that's like looking down when you're trying to climb a mountain. If you're not looking up, you're never going to find a higher handhold.

 

[watundah]

This sounds quite similar to codependency, to me.

 

[Seasounds]

I've learned to stop/end the destructive relationships. With a positive frame of mind, (I guess) I can say that I am learning how start friendships and relationships. (A couple of new possibilities.) It takes a lot of skills.

Each friendship and relationship, over time, seems less destructive and less dysfunctional.

The "how' of creating healthier relationships, for me, seems to lie in self-awareness (of my needs, my reactions), and the ability to verbalize them and negotiate, using non-violent communication skills.

 

[shimmerz]

This sounds quite similar to codependency, to me.

I am also seeing many references to Stockholm Syndrome and something called Betrayal Bonding. Still looking. It feels to me to be something deeper than codependency. I am not certain why. Most of my relationships are not codependent but there are certain ones that fit into this list very strongly. Idk though. This has hit me quite a bit and am attempting to sort it out. I will look up more on codependency too Watundah. Thank you.

 

[shimmerz]

ability to verbalize them

I verbalize very well Saetva, but for whatever reason I keep going back. With certain people. With others I have no problem not returning and keeping my boundaries. So I have to say I don't think I have a codependent personality (does this make sense), but more like certain people trigger me somehow into returning over and over again. Still digging.

Still trying to take in your posting @BlueOrange

 

[Dana1010]

I have this problem with someone from my past. He is just a memory, so I can't speak to the real life relationship aspects of this, but I can speak to the part about obsession. Does the person you're bonded to remind you of a parent? I once had a bizarre flash--like a daydream but not as self directed, more out of the blue and brief--of this person acting as my father. I was three or four years old in the vision or whatever it was. I actually felt loved, which has nothing to do with the real life experience I had with this person--well, except for the seduction phase, smoke and mirrors. But ultimately he betrayed and psychologically abused me, so I don't know why I would be casting him as a loving father in my head. All I can figure is that my primitive hind brain thinks, "This person is treating me like garbage. He must be someone I need for survival, care, love. Bond to him. Don't let go." It's like I've cast him as the stand-in for my father, and now I've taken the broken father-daughter bond and welded it onto our horrible relationship.

Sorry for rambling. Hope some part of that makes sense.

 

[ms spock]

With certain people. With others I have no problem not returning and keeping my boundaries. So I have to say I don't think I have a codependent personality (does this make sense), but more like certain people trigger me somehow into returning over and over again.

I relate with trauma bonding - but I do see it as being intricably linked to codependency - as co-dependent people I have met often seem to be in a trance/triggered by the people that they are enmeshed with. But I could be wrong. Most interesting to read about though.

 

[ms spock]

I have my grandparents come in to my head, and people that I lost a long time ago be there as if it was yesterday that I lost them. It is most weird and puzzling. I do tend to reenact my trauma dynamics over and over again.

 

[shimmerz]

This person is treating me like garbage. He must be someone I need for survival, care, love. Bond to him. Don't let go

Right...... I hadn't thought of it quite that way Dana. Thank you.....

 

[shimmerz]

of my needs, my reactions), and the ability to verbalize them and negotiate

When you continue being a "team" member when obviously things are becoming destructive

There are more on the list as well for me, but the more I look at it, the more I believe my attachment disorder stuff is the driver of this for me. I seem to fail to see the 'destructive' part in these relationships somehow. I think I take on the responsibility for others' bad behaviour without questioning. I am valuing loyalty with people who have no concept of the word.

seem to be in a trance/triggered by the people that they are enmeshed with

Yes. This. It feels like a trigger to me. Like I am drawn to it like a moth to a light. There is something unresolved there for me. Only with some people. So yes, codependent behaviour but not a codependent personality if that makes any sense.