I'm not really sure where to start or what all to say. Just sitting here writing this, I feel like I'm going to vomit.
I had trauma early in life. In my 20's my anxiety levels became so high I chose to seek help. And I did find it. I read everything I could. Talked to everyone I could. And I dealt with my childhood trauma, my anxiety -- but PTSD was never talked about or brought up. CBT was a Godsend and I learned to go on with a much better life and outlook. Have always continued with my therapy and wellness practices. And then...
About 2 years ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD. The diagnosis was made because something happened that retraumatized me. I honestly didn't give much credence to it. I'm not a soldier. I have never witnessed some mass catastrophe. And, like I said, no one had ever mentioned this before in any of my therapy. I just didn't really think a PTSD diagnosis was real to me. I have known vets with PTSD and I just couldn't even compare what I'd been through to what they had. But then about 6 weeks ago. I was "retraumatized" again. And it has knocked me down pretty hard.
Where once I felt strong, I now feel weak. All that I have learned and practiced for my mental health seems useless. I feel constantly afraid, vulnerable, anxious. I have a horrible time trying to make the simplest decisions. I am so easily triggered into anxiety and/or tears. I am overwhelmed so very easy. Going to sleep and waking up, YIKES! I've been having night terrors and spontaneous panic attacks. But the things that have always worked for me from therapy aren't working right now, which scares me more than anything else. Because I have done SO MUCH work on myself and my trauma. And this PTSD diagnosis feels suffocating and insurmountable.
I'm scared. I'm angry. I'm confused. But I can only handle so much at one time (hence the aforementioned vomiting feeling) because I'm so easily overwhelmed. It took a lot to say all that. I hope it makes sense to someone, because I really could use some support, answers and understanding.
I'm not for sure what else to say. But I made the first step by coming here and I am counting that as a win for today. I'd also like to just say that I do have a very wonderful therapist and psychiatrist. And although I may be letting out a lot of emotion, I don't want to frighten anyone, I am still kickin'. I am determined to find my way through.
Thanks for listening.
MJ
I had trauma early in life. In my 20's my anxiety levels became so high I chose to seek help. And I did find it. I read everything I could. Talked to everyone I could. And I dealt with my childhood trauma, my anxiety -- but PTSD was never talked about or brought up. CBT was a Godsend and I learned to go on with a much better life and outlook. Have always continued with my therapy and wellness practices. And then...
About 2 years ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD. The diagnosis was made because something happened that retraumatized me. I honestly didn't give much credence to it. I'm not a soldier. I have never witnessed some mass catastrophe. And, like I said, no one had ever mentioned this before in any of my therapy. I just didn't really think a PTSD diagnosis was real to me. I have known vets with PTSD and I just couldn't even compare what I'd been through to what they had. But then about 6 weeks ago. I was "retraumatized" again. And it has knocked me down pretty hard.
Where once I felt strong, I now feel weak. All that I have learned and practiced for my mental health seems useless. I feel constantly afraid, vulnerable, anxious. I have a horrible time trying to make the simplest decisions. I am so easily triggered into anxiety and/or tears. I am overwhelmed so very easy. Going to sleep and waking up, YIKES! I've been having night terrors and spontaneous panic attacks. But the things that have always worked for me from therapy aren't working right now, which scares me more than anything else. Because I have done SO MUCH work on myself and my trauma. And this PTSD diagnosis feels suffocating and insurmountable.
I'm scared. I'm angry. I'm confused. But I can only handle so much at one time (hence the aforementioned vomiting feeling) because I'm so easily overwhelmed. It took a lot to say all that. I hope it makes sense to someone, because I really could use some support, answers and understanding.
I'm not for sure what else to say. But I made the first step by coming here and I am counting that as a win for today. I'd also like to just say that I do have a very wonderful therapist and psychiatrist. And although I may be letting out a lot of emotion, I don't want to frighten anyone, I am still kickin'. I am determined to find my way through.
Thanks for listening.
MJ