Hello. A few years back I was in a relationship that didn't go so well, and I've only just come to the realisation that the way I feel may have been as a result of it.
I was still quite young and we didn't live that close so most interaction was over phone etc, but for months it was going great and we were both happy, until one day where she said that an ex from when she lived in Ireland had texted her. She said she had done some things which she couldn't let anybody find out about, and that he was threatening to tell her parents about it unless she did whatever he wanted. She was showing me screenshots of all of this and she seemed so distressed by it. This developed and carried on for a while until she was apparently suicidal by it all. She wouldn't let me contact anyone like the police or her parents because it would mean they'd have to find out what she had done and that alone would be enough to make her end her life. It was obviously a strain on the relationship but I was always going to be there for her. She had said she was self-harming and attempting suicide which was making it very difficult for me. One night, all I got was a 'goodbye' and I know what way that was meant. All night I was just laying there shaking because I had no way to know what had happened to her. I couldn't sleep and once it got to about 7am and my mum was getting up for work, I walked out of my room but when she asked what was up I couldn't say anything, I just stood there trembling. This sort of thing was a regular occurance but of course there was nothing I could do about it, I couldn't contact anyone, there was nothing I could do myself to make it all go away.
So, in summer she was due to go back to Ireland for a few weeks like she does every year, and this was when she was meant to do whatever the ex wanted. While there, she said that he told her to meet him at a hotel and obviously she had no choice. I had no idea what was happening but eventually she finally gets in contact again and makes out that she was just raped. Now I'm feeling even worse because not only has all this been going on but now that's happened to her too. I feel useless.
The thing with this whole situation is, none of it ever happened. There was no ex, she was texting herself from a fake facebook account and sending me screenshots of it. She said that she'd kill herself if anyone found out so that I'd be stuck in this not able to find out the truth from anyone who actually lived with/near her and would know the truth. The thing about her being raped, it turned out she wasn't at a hotel and was at another guy's house. I don't know if anything happened there but if it did then it certainly wasn't non-consensual. We were always on and off, and we weren't actually together at this point so that wasn't cheating (although she did end up cheating in the end anyway).
I sometimes had suspicions about it because some things didn't add up, but the whole story fit together so well, and the fact that I was stuck in the 'contact anyone and I'll kill myself' meant that I was never going to risk it in case it was true. To this day though, it still doesn't add up because she didn't seem like the type of person to do anything like that. She would never be abusive in any form when I was with her, although that wasn't very often. She still did make me happy when this stuff wasn't going on so I really don't understand why it happened. Anyway, I am over her and I don't even think about what happened anymore, but I feel like the trauma of it all had affected me to this day.
I exhibit all the signs of social anxiety, and I assumed it was brought on not for any real reason, just something that developed. I have had suggestions (not by professionals) of PTSD-related things but I always dismissed that because I knew PTSD to be flashbacks, nightmares, having the traumatic events still be in your life somehow, and I experience none of those things. But I never really became how I am now until after (or during) that relationship. I never realised this because I was always bad at making conversation and quite shy, but not to the point where I would start sweating loads if someone spoke to me unexpectedly etc.
I know I'll be told to seek professional help, but obviously the complete sense of dread that I'd get if I attempted to phone anyone to make an appointment is enough to stop me, let alone how I'd be if I attempted to actually talk about it to anyone, so I thought I'd put it out here just to get an opinion from someone who knows more about it than I do, or someone who has experienced something (even vaguely) similar
Thanks, sorry this was a long read :)
I was still quite young and we didn't live that close so most interaction was over phone etc, but for months it was going great and we were both happy, until one day where she said that an ex from when she lived in Ireland had texted her. She said she had done some things which she couldn't let anybody find out about, and that he was threatening to tell her parents about it unless she did whatever he wanted. She was showing me screenshots of all of this and she seemed so distressed by it. This developed and carried on for a while until she was apparently suicidal by it all. She wouldn't let me contact anyone like the police or her parents because it would mean they'd have to find out what she had done and that alone would be enough to make her end her life. It was obviously a strain on the relationship but I was always going to be there for her. She had said she was self-harming and attempting suicide which was making it very difficult for me. One night, all I got was a 'goodbye' and I know what way that was meant. All night I was just laying there shaking because I had no way to know what had happened to her. I couldn't sleep and once it got to about 7am and my mum was getting up for work, I walked out of my room but when she asked what was up I couldn't say anything, I just stood there trembling. This sort of thing was a regular occurance but of course there was nothing I could do about it, I couldn't contact anyone, there was nothing I could do myself to make it all go away.
So, in summer she was due to go back to Ireland for a few weeks like she does every year, and this was when she was meant to do whatever the ex wanted. While there, she said that he told her to meet him at a hotel and obviously she had no choice. I had no idea what was happening but eventually she finally gets in contact again and makes out that she was just raped. Now I'm feeling even worse because not only has all this been going on but now that's happened to her too. I feel useless.
The thing with this whole situation is, none of it ever happened. There was no ex, she was texting herself from a fake facebook account and sending me screenshots of it. She said that she'd kill herself if anyone found out so that I'd be stuck in this not able to find out the truth from anyone who actually lived with/near her and would know the truth. The thing about her being raped, it turned out she wasn't at a hotel and was at another guy's house. I don't know if anything happened there but if it did then it certainly wasn't non-consensual. We were always on and off, and we weren't actually together at this point so that wasn't cheating (although she did end up cheating in the end anyway).
I sometimes had suspicions about it because some things didn't add up, but the whole story fit together so well, and the fact that I was stuck in the 'contact anyone and I'll kill myself' meant that I was never going to risk it in case it was true. To this day though, it still doesn't add up because she didn't seem like the type of person to do anything like that. She would never be abusive in any form when I was with her, although that wasn't very often. She still did make me happy when this stuff wasn't going on so I really don't understand why it happened. Anyway, I am over her and I don't even think about what happened anymore, but I feel like the trauma of it all had affected me to this day.
I exhibit all the signs of social anxiety, and I assumed it was brought on not for any real reason, just something that developed. I have had suggestions (not by professionals) of PTSD-related things but I always dismissed that because I knew PTSD to be flashbacks, nightmares, having the traumatic events still be in your life somehow, and I experience none of those things. But I never really became how I am now until after (or during) that relationship. I never realised this because I was always bad at making conversation and quite shy, but not to the point where I would start sweating loads if someone spoke to me unexpectedly etc.
I know I'll be told to seek professional help, but obviously the complete sense of dread that I'd get if I attempted to phone anyone to make an appointment is enough to stop me, let alone how I'd be if I attempted to actually talk about it to anyone, so I thought I'd put it out here just to get an opinion from someone who knows more about it than I do, or someone who has experienced something (even vaguely) similar
Thanks, sorry this was a long read :)
