Childhood Trauma group and disassociate

[Lili]

I am currently seeing a therapist who has been able to chip away some of my walls. She is amazing. My therapist also has a trauma group that I participate in as well. All of the participants have suffered one or more sexual traumas. I have been through a few (sexual, physical and emotional) myself beginning in early childhood.

The group has been meeting for over a year and I still have issues when it’s my turn to share. If I don’t disassociate then I get extremely hot, I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest and I can’t get the words to come out of my mouth. My therapist has suggested that I give the group some kind of signal when that happens. The issue is that by the time I realize what’s happening I am already in the middle of it and I’m more focused on getting back to what looks normal that I don’t even think about giving a signal. Does anyone have any suggestions?

 

[Freida]

Stop trying so hard? It sounds like you might be pushing yourself to go faster/deeper than you are ready for. Maybe you could plan ahead what you want to say and keep it to simpler things? Like instead of diving into a big trauma you could talk about how a small part of the trauma affects you today?

another thought - if you have a leader of the group meet with her privately to set up when you should talk about the signal you want to use and when - then she can tell the rest of the group. I'm guessing you aren't the only one who would love that idea.

 

[Lili]

Thank you for the feedback. I can’t tell if I am pushing myself too hard or not hard enough. My group leader is also my therapist. She thinks I should share with the group why it is difficult for me to share. We are trying to come up with a sign that can be shared with the group.

 

[Journeyman]

Do you dissociate when you are by yourself, and think about the issues; or is it just in the groups? Is it the story line, or emotions that you feel before it starts happening? I am interested in "I feel hot, and it feels like an elephant sitting on my chest, and can't the words to come out? It's like I'm wondering it that's just a typical panic attack or a dissociative shift of sorts?

 

[Lili]

Hi,
I disassociate often, alone and/or in group. Alone it doesn’t trigger the physical feelings - - - hot, elephant on chest etc. In group a topic may lead to disassociation then if called upon to speak, the physical feelings kick in.

 

[Rumors]

Sometimes if I feel an emotion coming on, like fear, sadness, crying, I am OUT! I can't leave fast enough and I get the hot , elephant on my chest feeling too. I'm not sure I could go to a group so I think it is brave that you are even there... wow!

 

[Lili]

Thank you but I’m not brave. We just had group on Tuesday. I told T in an intense session with her on Monday that I was struggling with not having enough time to process between my session with her and group if they were back to back days as they were this week. We rarely have to change the day of group from our regularly scheduled every other Thursday. I was still feeling the intensity from my session with her on Tuesday and didn’t follow my gut feeling to skip group...haven’t missed a session since group started over a year ago. We were missing two of six members from group that evening. T announced that she had no agenda for us and that we could talk freely about anything or that we could sit in silence...like a very expensive movie ticket. I rarely come out of the gate first but I did that day and my world fell apart with what happened next. One of the very young members of group interrupted me, ok not such a big deal. Then she picked up a top from T’s desk and started spinning it and I gave her a look and she stopped. At that point I was irritated and said I lost my momentum and I did not want to continue to share. T asked me to address what happened that I lost momentum, I did and then started to share again. The young group member took the top and started to spin it again and I went off on her this time. I said she was rude. I asked her h

Sorry here is the rest of the post

I told her she was rude. I asked her as a teacher, how she felt when she was teaching and a student kept disrupting her. She didn’t respond and just started crying.

T stepped in. T said that we all know the young member likes to fidget with things. Then she turned to me and said that I attcked the young member. I got the physical feelings and got up to walk out. T asked me to stay and I stayed in my seat and went straight into a flashback... By the time I came out of it, T was trying to give me some positive reinforcement but I was so out of whack that I didn’t want to hear anything else from her good or bad. We wrapped up group shortly thereafter and I left a total mess...flooded with thoughts of I am a bad person just like my mother used to say and still crying.

I fell off the wagon that night and completed my online post group assessment. From what I vaguely remember I was really hard on T and even fired her in my assessment.

I don’t know if the transference and the melt down in group was a break through to the root of my issues...good; or the beginning of the end of attending group and continuing with this T. We are required to give two sessions notice before withdrawing. I also feel there are some counter transference issues from T given her response or lack of.

Sorry for the long post but I don’t think I’m brave.

 

[Freida]

I don't go to a group so I might be way off base - but why wouldn't your T tell the fidget spinner to stop while you were talking? Especially after you had told her how nervous you were about speaking up? I don't think this is a case of you not being brave. I think this is a case of your T dropping the ball...

 

[Lili]

It was so obvious that Another group member snatched the top away from the fidget spinner just as I started to go off her. I feel somewhat confident that T wanted a disagreement to happen as she stared “Ive been waiting for 6 months for this to happen”. T says part of group is learning how to handle disagreements in relationships. T’s intentions may have been good but she really hurt me. Her lack of response when I emailed her that I thought it may be a good idea to redo the assessment due to my state of mind - Reinforces my thought that she has her own counter transference issues or that she has accepted my resignation/firing her.

 

[Rumors]

@Lili you ARE brave! just showing up is brave. It sounds like it was a rough group. I'm sorry. I hope you will keep going and maybe talk more with your therapist about what is going on. Don't ever doubt how brace you are.. it takes an extreme amount of courage just to show up. That is something to celebrate and be proud of...hang in there!!

 

[Lili]

Thanks for the vote of confidence Rumors. I feel like I have received more support here in this forum than I have from my T to whom I pay a substantial amount of money to every month. Please don’t get me wrong, I absolutely adore the person who sits across from me 50 minutes each week but from what I have gathered, she is still working on her own issues. I think I need to put in to practice what she taught me. Is this relationship healthy for me? She was trying to elicit a response from group to make it grow. Perhaps in her excitement she didn’t realize how she took me down. While You care about her, it is her responsibility that ensure my safety. Not sure I can trust her right now and feel safe at the same time

 

[Sideways]

I’m not sure what hell is up with your T and thr way she’s managing the group dynamic. I attend a trauma group each week, and it’s really essential that everyone in the group feels safe and like they’re being treated with respect, or else it’s just not a healing space, yeah?

As for the fidget spinner issue - it strikes me that your T needs to be clear on this issue. Are people allowed to use distractions like that in the group? It’s an important question, and it’s not just a question of how you’re all managing your relationships in the group.

I’ve mentioned this in a few posts before: my T brings fidget spinners, and a whole range pf small distraction toys (like, dozens) to group. They line the tables. We’re actively encouraged to use them. To pick them up whenever we need, and quietly sit there fidgeting away. I fold paper cranes as my thing.

The purpose they serve? Is to help each of us regulate ourselves. The emotions and dissociation you deacribe? That’s why they’re there. Much like someone who carries a rock in their pocket to run their fingers over and ground themselves when they’re out in the world doing their thing. It may be that you’d find a small amount of relief if, next time you feel yourself dissociating? Try picking up something like a fidget spinner, and tuning your concentration into that for a few minutes, instead of the (often overwhelming) content being spoken about in the group. It may help, it may not. It may be the reason the other group member was using the top - to help self-regulate if she was feeling overwhelmed.

The big difference to me? Is that our group facilitator is very clear with everyone from day dot: the small toys are there to be used whenever we feel like it. And on that basis? That we’re all clear that’s what they’re there for? It’s immensely helpful. Not just in the group setting either. We each go away from group knowing that we can use this sort of tool to help self-regulate wherever we are. Which is a fantastic tool to have. And because the facilitator actively encourages it - “This is something that may help you manage your symptoms” - it makes you comfortable knowing in advance that people are going to do that, and that it’s a positive tool to help the group space feel safe, not to be simply disrespectful when someone gets bored!

But, unless the group is clear that that’s what they’re there for, and that people will be using them while others are talking? It’s uncomfortable, right? Because if you’re listening to someone respectfully, out in the real world, and you just started idly spinning a top in front of someone - it can easily be interpreted as “They’re not listening, they don’t care, they’re bored...” etc etc.

If you feel up to it? Maybe ask the facilitator to make it clear to the group. Is that what the fidget spinner is there for? Is it okay if we use those sorts of distractions during group to self-regulate? And if so? Absolutely give it try. Fidget spinners, putty, origami paper - there’s all sorts of different things with different textures, smells, movement, and everyone has something different that works for them.