Trauma in volunteer work

[Ecdysis]

I've always done a ton of volunteer work.

I think it's directly connected to my childhood trauma in many ways.

A determination to help and to prevent suffering and trauma, where possible, to prevent others from going through what I did.

Over the years, I've experienced countless traumatic situations with awful circumstances and/or awful outcomes in volunteer work.

I have so much trouble processing this trauma. I feel like it's even less talked about/ acknowledged than trauma that EMTs/ police/ first responders etc. go through because it's "just" volunteer work and you are doing it "voluntarily" so it's your own dumb fault if you're voluntarily subjecting yourself to repeated trauma.

Right now I'm involved in 4 volunteer work roles, of which providing end-of-life hospice care is actually the least traumatising cos you know what's coming and there's a structure and system in place.

With the other 3 roles there's so much more unexpected death, blood and gore, you're so much more on your own and winging it with almost zero resources and either you cope or you don't and you're left carrying so much responsibility and the relentless "what if's" of could I have prevented this death if I'd been faster, smarter, stronger, better, if I'd realised in the moment what became apparent later, etc etc

The trauma and the relentless guilt/ responsibility spirals are slowly eating me alive. Yet I feel if I step away from it and stop helping, then that will place even more guilt on my shoulders. I know it's irrational. I still can't help feeling that way.

So many people in these volunteer roles burn out. It's a constant churn of people leaving and new faces.

I feel like I'm constantly failing. It's always too little. No matter how much you do, it's never enough.

I have no idea what to do about it. I don't even know what to feel or think or say about it.

I feel like if I talk about it, everyone will just say are you f*cking stupid? Why would you do volunteer work where you are constantly exposed to new trauma? What kind of idiot doesn't walk away from that?

I feel like everyone will blame and judge me for being so stupid as to expose myself to more trauma on top of my own.

And that none of it even counts cos if you're exposing yourself to it voluntarily, then by definition it can't be trauma. (I know that definition's not true, but it feels like it.)

 

[Rose White]

This seems related to another thread you posted about feeling compelled to help people. I don’t think it’s wrong, it seems great from a societal standpoint. What function does it have for you?

 

[Ecdysis]

I'm not sure. I think it's like an internal promise to myself? Nobody helped me when I was little and desperately needed help. I think in a subconscious way, by helping, I'm proving to myself that help.is possible and those who need help deserve to get it. I guess I'm trying to constantly re-write the script of my own trauma? In the hope that if I help enough, there will be a good, non-traumatic outcome? Trauma re-enactment, I guess, with me in the role of the helper?

 

[arfie]

back in the 70's, before "community service" became a court mandated penalty, community service was a critical piece of my recovery. it bolstered my self esteem and helped the world grow bigger than my own regrettable circumstances. most of my community service has been with foreign and immigrant communities.

as the decades rolled by and the traumatic aspects started to accumulate, i began to feel like my volunteer ptsd was worse than my child sex trafficking ptsd. even my psych pros sounded like they were writing me up for beatification more than they were listening to my problems. then there is the "only me" crowd who thought i was stupid for sharing other people's trauma. oh, for the love of balance. . .

dunno, skin shedder, but methinks you might be on to something.

 

[Ecdysis]

Thank you @arfie

 

[Sideways]

I’m similar. Volunteering is important in my life for a heap of reasons. Among those reasons, are the role it’s played, and continues to play, in my recovery.

There’s so many different ways to volunteer. There’s a lot of roles where trauma comes up over and over again. But there’s also a tonne of options where joy, kindness, hope, connection, or fun are the majority shareholder. Still helping, but with only a nominal risk of experiencing trauma, and a very high likelihood of experiencing the best of humanity.

Maybe, for your own wellbeing, it’s time to seek out a different role…?

 

[Ecdysis]

Another hospice death today... Both crying and feeling numb...

 

[Ecdysis]

I cried so hard that I'm completely numbed out now. I feel like I've taken 20 valium...

I dread the crash when that wears off...

 

[Grasping Hope]

Another hospice death today... Both crying and feeling numb...

I know this was a while ago but I am just reading it. You've posted on a few threads about hospice volunteering. Just wanted to post to say I relate to that part of your story. I've done similar work. Took the training but never finished it, which was not a bad thing because then I wasn't limited by any agency's rules and would just do whatever the family asked. Lost count how many people I've seen die. It's not traumatic because you're expecting it, but it wears you out. Especially if you've had time to get to know the person and get attached to them. In my case sometimes I'd known the person for a few years before they got to the palliative stage. It's beautiful to be with someone as they transition, it's a sacred trust, and not everyone is suited for it. But the grief is real and so is the burnout. You are there 100% for the person and their family, but there isn't necessarily anyone asking you "how is this for you? Are you coping? Want to talk about it?"
It helped back when I had a coworker who often knew the same people. We could support each other. Then, my coworker died. And COVID happened. Things haven't been the same since.
One time, when the person was someone I grew very fond of, I processed her death by making a collage of pictures that reminded me of her, and little snippets of writing where I laid out from memory some of the stories she'd told me.
Going to the memorial service also helps.
Thinking of you. In case no one has said it, thank you for the work you do.