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Other Trauma-Splitting/Parts

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Roland

MyPTSD Pro
Hello everyone.

When I had my psychological evaluation, it was determined that my personality is split, not like DID, but like trauma splitting, common for people with childhood trauma and ptsd. One is a direct mirror of my dad (this showed on my psych eval), this part is narcissist, schizoid, antisocial, masochist, and turbulent. It's are self-defense coping mechanisms. The narcissist one shows up when I feel threatened, especially by men. I also have a suicidal part.

I'd like to discuss one that I believe is a part, I just don't understand how it works. When I'm around groups of people, I assert social dominance, by being loud, acting kinda crazy, like a clown. I make fun of people, everything is a joke, etc. This is NOT my main personality. In general, I'm a relatively quiet person, I only really act crazy like that in groups of people, I feel anxious and don't really know the people and act like that.

Those of you that have studied or done parts work, why would I do that? How is that helpful? What would have "made" that personality split? I just don't really understand it, and it didn't come up in my psych eval. Though, "Expressively dramatic" did come up, which is definitely a part of that "crazy part". Like if I have a minor injury on my foot I'll be like "I'm gonna cut my foot off, it's on fire!" and if I'm in severe mental pain I'm just silent, like I internalize everything, but if I can turn it into a joke than I'll definitely be "Expressively dramatic".

@shimmerz I know you may have some valuable insight
 
I haven't read other people's posts responses. My initial reaction to your post is have you sat down, got quiet internally, and imagined that loud, crazy part is sitting next to you and ask it your "why" "where" "when" questions, and be as non-judgemental as you can be, and promise yourself you will be welcoming? and then wait to hear the answers? My guess is they will come very quickly and readily.
That’s a good method
 
Perhaps it's not "entirely" maladaptive. Perhaps you can "consciously" tweek it so you don't make jokes about others, but still be the life of the party. Folks with ADHD (hithere) get really "high" when we're around groups of people. The world needs these types to lighten the road especially when doing boring stuff like waiting in lines and such.
Also, I have question. I'm intriqued with this test you took. I've never heard of a way to determine that possibility splitting is going on. what's the name of the test?
 
Perhaps it's not "entirely" maladaptive. Perhaps you can "consciously" tweek it so you don't make jokes about others, but still be the life of the party. Folks with ADHD (hithere) get really "high" when we're around groups of people. The world needs these types to lighten the road especially when doing boring stuff like waiting in lines and such.
Also, I have question. I'm intriqued with this test you took. I've never heard of a way to determine that possibility splitting is going on. what's the name of the test?
I don’t have ADHD (I admire people that do) so like it’s not really “me” I do it out of discomfort and anxiety so yeah idk, I’d like to be able to be myself around people.

I had a psychological evaluation, the reason why my personality split showed was because it tested personality disorders. I myself have PTSD and avoidant personality disorder, but my dads personality disorders showed on the type and style level (instead of the disorder level) so my psychologist knew it wasn’t my main personality that had those traits. My dad apparently has antisocial personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, schizoid, turbulence, masochism, I tested all of these on the style or type level, but not disorder level. So I don’t actually have these disorder, my personality split mirrors my dad to be powerful perpetrator instead of my own weak victim self.

So it’s not a test that determines parts per se, that personality was shown because of personality disorders
 
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Hello everyone.

When I had my psychological evaluation, it was determined that my personality is split, not like DID, but like trauma splitting, common for people with childhood trauma and ptsd. One is a direct mirror of my dad (this showed on my psych eval), this part is narcissist, schizoid, antisocial, masochist, and turbulent. It's are self-defense coping mechanisms. The narcissist one shows up when I feel threatened, especially by men. I also have a suicidal part.

I'd like to discuss one that I believe is a part, I just don't understand how it works. When I'm around groups of people, I assert social dominance, by being loud, acting kinda crazy, like a clown. I make fun of people, everything is a joke, etc. This is NOT my main personality. In general, I'm a relatively quiet person, I only really act crazy like that in groups of people, I feel anxious and don't really know the people and act like that.

Those of you that have studied or done parts work, why would I do that? How is that helpful? What would have "made" that personality split? I just don't really understand it, and it didn't come up in my psych eval. Though, "Expressively dramatic" did come up, which is definitely a part of that "crazy part". Like if I have a minor injury on my foot I'll be like "I'm gonna cut my foot off, it's on fire!" and if I'm in severe mental pain I'm just silent, like I internalize everything, but if I can turn it into a joke than I'll definitely be "Expressively dramatic".

@shimmerz I know you may have some valuable insight


Roland, do you think maybe the "clown" came about to distract and entertain to protect yourself? If everyone is laughing with you, they aren't laughing at you. They also don't have time to look really close at what's going on because they are being entertained. It makes it safer for you to move around in stealth mode because everyone is looking at you clowning around and now seeing behind that mask at what is really going on? Just a thought.
 
Roland, do you think maybe the "clown" came about to distract and entertain to protect yourself? If everyone is laughing with you, they aren't laughing at you. They also don't have time to look really close at what's going on because they are being entertained. It makes it safer for you to move around in stealth mode because everyone is looking at you clowning around and now seeing behind that mask at what is really going on? Just a thought.
Yes, that’s exactly what I think it is. A coping mechanism that’s more conscious than a “trauma split”. I did a lot of thinking about the first times I started doing that and the kind of environments I do it in, and that’s the conclusion I came to.
 
I made some major discoveries.

1. I get triggered by groups of people, possible link to having a big family and the hive mentality/bullying style thereof. Wanting to be noticed but only if it’s positive.
2. Being invisible vs. being a clown are flight or fight reactions, or I guess more specifically freeze or fight.
3. They are my normal child/perpetrator mirror trauma splits. My wounded child is invisible and doesn’t want to be noticed. If someone notices me or gets too close emotionally then I shift to perpetrator/mirror to protect my inner child. Then I’m loud, laughing, making jokes about people, etc. I make myself feel invincible but I’m honestly extremely vulnerable even in that state.
4. The whole thing can get derailed if someone calmly looks me in the eyes and tells me to stop, or starts questioning me rather than laughing at my jokes. I feel I lost control and like they are noticing me and I can’t get away.
5. Then my dominant self recognizes at least on some level what has happened, then it’s a whole spiral of self harm/negativity and disaster thinking. Because I don’t want to hurt people or be out of control or be like my father but here we are doing all of that in one move.

I’ve been trying to leave the room if I feel it coming on, or to “sit in it” (the anxiety), instead of following the same sequence everytime. I don’t know how to be myself in groups. Part of me wants to be known and close to people but the other part of me knows better because it usually ends up hurting by people betraying, abandoning, using information about you against you, etc.

The reason why the clown didn’t “show up” until I was 17, was because I was able to stay quiet/invisible, because social interaction was only for a few hours a few days a week. Once I was 17, I was around a toxic friend group for hours at a time, multiple days a week so I didn’t have space to “get away” and people were too close to me so I attack them/joke/get loud to get them away from me.

I figured all this out last night. Apparently someone I used to be friends with a couple years ago hates me now because of “my jokes” and “how mean I am”. She never once told me. In the past two years she’d be polite and nice to my face but avoiding making plans or talking to me. I had thought it was because of her toxic sister, or her being busy with her boyfriend, or that she didn’t currently need me. Yesterday, I told her happy birthday and tried to initiate conversation with her but she completely shut it down, and that’s how we started that whole conversation to learn that she hates me and wants nothing to do with me ever again.

And I mean, seriously, why do I care? I can’t make or maintain friendships, because I can’t be close to people without hurting them and when I hurt people I hurt myself and ends up hurting me much more than them. I don’t have friends. Anyone I called a friend now doesn’t talk to me, and apparently hates me too.

I’m afraid I’m the exact thing I hate, unpredictable, abusive/attacking towards others, out of control.

And I’m so f*cking lonely, like unbelievably so. I love my family and my fiancé, but other than that, no one knows the real me they just know some combination of parts of me that I choose to show or can’t help but showing.
But anyways it’s a whole shitstorm. I know it’ll get better in time, but I f*cking hate it.
 
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I made some major discoveries.

1. I get triggered by groups of people, possible link to having a big family and the hive mentality/bullying style thereof. Wanting to be noticed but only if it’s positive.
2. Being invisible vs. being a clown are flight or fight reactions, or I guess more specifically freeze or fight.
3. They are my normal child/perpetrator mirror trauma splits. My wounded child is invisible and doesn’t want to be noticed. If someone notices me or gets too close emotionally then I shift to perpetrator/mirror to protect my inner child. Then I’m loud, laughing, making jokes about people, etc. I make myself feel invincible but I’m honestly extremely vulnerable even in that state.
4. The whole thing can get derailed if someone calmly looks me in the eyes and tells me to stop, or starts questioning me rather than laughing at my jokes. I feel I lost control and like they are noticing me and I can’t get away.
5. Then my dominant self recognizes at least on some level what has happened, then it’s a whole spiral of self harm/negativity and disaster thinking. Because I don’t want to hurt people or be out of control or be like my father but here we are doing all of that in one move.

I’ve been trying to leave the room if I feel it coming on, or to “sit in it” (the anxiety), instead of following the same sequence everytime. I don’t know how to be myself in groups. Part of me wants to be known and close to people but the other part of me knows better because it usually ends up hurting by people betraying, abandoning, using information about you against you, etc.

The reason why the clown didn’t “show up” until I was 17, was because I was able to stay quiet/invisible, because social interaction was only for a few hours a few days a week. Once I was 17, I was around a toxic friend group for hours at a time, multiple days a week so I didn’t have space to “get away” and people were too close to me so I attack them/joke/get loud to get them away from me.

I figured all this out last night. Apparently someone I used to be friends with a couple years ago hates me now because of “my jokes” and “how mean I am”. She never once told me. In the past two years she’d be polite and nice to my face but avoiding making plans or talking to me. I had thought it was because of her toxic sister, or her being busy with her boyfriend, or that she didn’t currently need me. Yesterday, I told her happy birthday and tried to initiate conversation with her but she completely shut it down, and that’s how we started that whole conversation to learn that she hates me and wants nothing to do with me ever again.

And I mean, seriously, why do I care? I can’t make or maintain friendships, because I can’t be close to people without hurting them and when I hurt people I hurt myself and ends up hurting me much more than them. I don’t have friends. Anyone I called a friend now doesn’t talk to me, and apparently hates me too.

I’m afraid I’m the exact thing I hate, unpredictable, abusive/attacking towards others, out of control.

And I’m so f*cking lonely, like unbelievably so. I love my family and my fiancé, but other than that, no one knows the real me they just know some combination of parts of me that I choose to show or can’t help but showing.
But anyways it’s a whole shitstorm. I know it’ll get better in time, but I f*cking hate it.
@shimmerz @hithere @Movingforward10 @Weemie new development xD
 
Hello everyone.

When I had my psychological evaluation, it was determined that my personality is split, not like DID, but like trauma splitting, common for people with childhood trauma and ptsd. One is a direct mirror of my dad (this showed on my psych eval), this part is narcissist, schizoid, antisocial, masochist, and turbulent. It's are self-defense coping mechanisms. The narcissist one shows up when I feel threatened, especially by men. I also have a suicidal part.

I'd like to discuss one that I believe is a part, I just don't understand how it works. When I'm around groups of people, I assert social dominance, by being loud, acting kinda crazy, like a clown. I make fun of people, everything is a joke, etc. This is NOT my main personality. In general, I'm a relatively quiet person, I only really act crazy like that in groups of people, I feel anxious and don't really know the people and act like that.

Those of you that have studied or done parts work, why would I do that? How is that helpful? What would have "made" that personality split? I just don't really understand it, and it didn't come up in my psych eval. Though, "Expressively dramatic" did come up, which is definitely a part of that "crazy part". Like if I have a minor injury on my foot I'll be like "I'm gonna cut my foot off, it's on fire!" and if I'm in severe mental pain I'm just silent, like I internalize everything, but if I can turn it into a joke than I'll definitely be "Expressively dramatic".

@shimmerz I know you may have some valuable insight
Odd question....where and why did you get an evaluation? I have not been evaluated, that I know of. I would be very interested to find out if I have any other conditions that are related to my childhood traumas.
 
Odd question....where and why did you get an evaluation? I have not been evaluated, that I know of. I would be very interested to find out if I have any other conditions that are related to my childhood traumas.
I went (self referred so no therapist, professional, etc referred me, I did my own research and decided I wanted an evaluation) I did this because I knew I was dealing with hecka lot more than depression and anxiety (imo easy to self diagnose) but started to become aware there was more going on. I couldn’t tell if my symptoms pointed to autism, a personality disorder like bpd, or PTSD, and I didn’t feel comfortable going around with a self diagnosis, and also couldn’t really place my issues. So I paid for my evaluation out of pocket myself, since insurance doesn’t cover it. I went to a psychologist that specifically does evaluations. I honestly can’t believe no one ever referred me to get evaluated, because from what I understand they only really do that if you want to get medicated, or in crisis like at a mental hospital. I think it’s better to get evaluated not during a crisis like in the case of a mental hospital. The evaluation also gave me direction for what kind of therapy to look for because going to therapy undiagnosed all the therapists said they treat “my issues” but really didn’t give trauma informed therapy and honestly the therapy sucked. So I learned about which therapies would suit CPTSD with structural disassociation like I have. My psychologist suggested I not worry too much about Avoidant Personality Disorder because she said there was a high chance that it will solve itself if I work on the PTSD more. So anyways, I’m really glad I did that, but I’ll warn you, it’s frickin expensive, close to $3,000, well worth it in my mind but definitely took a chunk of my savings.
 
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