Traumas That Caused You To Do Things Your Morale's Don't Agree With?

[Abrasky]

I think this happens in war but also in trauma at home.

I had a strong morale to not emotionally blackmail people when I was 19. When my stepfather attacked me, the first thing he said was I had to be like my mum and then, that I had to do what he said, Then he threatened my life in a rage, which would eventually give me PTSD. The first thing my mum did was then emotionally blackmail me, the next thing my dad did was go into a violent rage. So perhaps my PTSD is now between emotional blackmail( which is a very loose term that means something different to me- ignoring work, ignoring people, destructive behavior) and if I do not do this emotional blackmail my other choice is rage (becoming my dad's personality when he attacked me). I cry because I don't want to do either. I alternate between not working and being angry, and being good.

Has anyone been forced to do anything in their trauma that their morale's didnt' agree with? How does one deal with this? I feel like my parents theatened my life unless I started emotionally blackmailing (loosely not working and not talking to people) And it is like brainwashing.

I apologise if this doesn't make sense, Im not sure, maybe someone was forced to go against their morale's could share how they dealt with it?

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think it makes sense. I developed pacyfying behaviours that can feel like more of a violation than physical attack. They humiliate and take away your dignity. I went through a stage where I put an absolute stop to pacyfying people. But I went to the other extreme and would respond in an unaccepted way to normal social interactions.

At the moment, I don't have any close friendships at all, and on the days I have to interact with people, I am emotionally detached and I usually (not always) manage to blend in and act like everyone else. Thats a way of getting by, but its not really dealing with the problem. I havn't started therapy yet, and I might be wrong, but I think CBT is designed to help manage behaviours.

 

[heidi]

Yes, I've said things to my mom my former self would disown me for.
And I have problems feeling emotion in some places I should or used to.
Other then that I really try to keep my damage to myself.

Oh... I completely misinterpreted your question.

 

[maddog]

Gosh, I feel as though my whole life has become a living enactment of everything that I don't believe in, want to be, or want to do.

My father taught me to lie almost before I could talk. Lying was about survival, doing what he wanted and hiding the truth from the world, and these were the basic components of mere survival. To this day the impulse to lie to cover any number of fears or inadequacies is almost as reflexive as breathing. There aren't words enough to describe the shame I feel for this fact.

My childhood taught me about ingenuineness and falseness and how to live a world full of both of those things. They became the only me that was acceptable to the outside world, and so the things that I hate so much in myself and in others became almost my entire self.

More recently, the reemergence of past traumas not dealt with triggered a horrivic series of events that saw me commit criminal acts, something which I never, ever, believed I would do. The shame lives on in me even now that the case itself is long closed.

I wish I had some advice on how to live with and deal with this horrible, despairing symptom of trauma, but truthfully I don't.

The part of me that believes in goodness and doing right and living by the simple morals of truth, honesty, integrity and humanity, will never die. But the broken shameful parts of me will never let it live either.

I think this is one of the hardest things to accept about myself, trauma or no trauma.

Maddog

 

[sea]

I think this is probably the reason I have PTSD.

 

[The Albatross]

I feel the compulsions and the tendency to manipulate, but I don't feel forced anymore. At some point, I had to take personal responsiblity (which can be really really hard) and try to be someone esteemable. I'm more though not entirely successfully. Like Heidi, I've said things that I would have cut off people for... it has taken a lot of effort and can be really exhausting... but generally it is getting better and I am getting more consistant. A lot of them were numb out or avoidance of perceived pain or fearful situations or people. Changing my perceptions got me started... realizing that what I perceive is most often beyond what I see, what I hear, and I try to read between the lines... to see what people "really" mean, think, feel. That got me a whole lot of trouble. I said and did things because my own thinking ran down the road and I was distrustful and deffensive.
I had a lot of years, feeling forced though before I got sober and realized that I was driving the bus. The incidents I felt caused the behavior was long long past... but I was stuck there and it was affecting my present, and damaging my future. It was me, sabotaging myself. I had to dig deep to get some resolve and start taking the actions that would get me some sense of self and impulse control... for myself and my relationships.

(((Maze)))

 

[Abrasky]

I tend to find my fear of feelings of things like being alive (phobias) mixed up with ignorning people. It's actually so frightening I freeze. I try my best not to, I like being a good person. Sometimes I wish PTSD was simple, and not so many things combining at the one time.
I will and do sabatage myself and others if my programming (the community abuses you which is what my dad said when he attacked me) kicks in, I tend to take on a "the community is going down" sought of attitude.
Usually because I am so strong, I reign it in to the point I will just freeze. Freezing is preferable to me than being rebellious and sabataging the community.
It would be interesting to know how someone can brainwash someone in violence from a biological perspective. It is reported a lot with stockholm syndrome victims. I was pretty strong, so amazed how someone can brainwash someone.
I think I have a phobia of being good things, like socialising with people and working and taking a hold of my life. So perhaps it is possible to be being afraid of things that my morale agrees with.