Traumatic Mutism

[Kas_Can_Fly]

At the end of the worst part of my abuse I had about a week and a half where I was unable to talk. I don't remember most of it but I couldn't force any words out. I dissociated most of it away curled up in the fetal position. Exhausted. I remember the sunlight and falling asleep sitting upright holding my knees, feeling the closest thing to safety or relief or something that didn't make sense at the time. Yet I also felt betrayed and terrified, which I also didn't understand. (I had repressed the memories of my abuse, I only remembered crying. I never understood why people looked at me funny when I had bruising, I could feel the heat from it but I was oblivious to its existence - delusionally so)

I feel such fear of this stage in my life and yet almost feel warmly to that silence. Now I still find comfort in not talking and will often not respond to people hoping they'll think I'm dumb - examples include taxi drivers people in shops etc. I also wish I could just stop talking for a week or so but know people would fuss and worry over me. One of the joys of isolating for me is not talking for days or more. It's as if it somehow restores energy to me. But it's never how it was back then, that was different, now its more a choice than an inability. I almost wish I had the choice removed again much the same as the wish to simply cease to exist - I know this is impossible, it just is though.

As I said before this silence marked the end of my sexual abuse literally to the day, I ceased to speak and was then removed from my father's flat and never went back. Whilst other abuses and traumas have happened since, this was the end to the hell I'd been trapped in for so long.

Has anyone else had a period where they were unable to talk? Did happen during, after or significantly after your trauma? Do you feel positively or negatively towards it? Does it still persist? Do you find comfort in it or do you feel trapped by it or both.

I feel conflicted and confused about this and it's something I feel I don't really have any knowledge about other than my own experience. I'm looking for anything.

Thanks

 

[franciemarnie]

Maya Angelo wrote a memoir - I think it was I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings - where she writes about not talking at all for years when she was a little girl. It's a beautiful book and you might identify with her.

 

[arfie]

I was 10 or 12 before I talked with any consistency. I still stammer when I am stressed and prefer not to talk at all. Ironically, in between mute periods, I hyper-express. Balance is hard for me in this arena. Like you, not needing to talk is my favorite part of isolating. Not silence... I love noise. I have fierce lovers of tomb level silence in my world and frequently need to start making random noises as soon as I can escape their presence, just to assure myself I haven't gone deaf. Talk... Not so much. Monotone drivel in my ears. As pretty and sensible as the drone of traffic.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

The verbal part of our brains can literally shut down when the trauma mind takes over.....WHOOPS, I should have warned that Sheppard Pratt girl to talk no matter what or they will punish her! Oops. That's what happens to me....trauma mind takes over and verbal skills go out the window. It happened while I was at Pratt and instead of helping me, they punished me by isolating me. It royally sucked.

 

[Healing Reins]

3 weeks ago I had a trauma happen, and right after it happened I felt like I was unable to talk. I just stopped talking for a couple of days. I don't know why, but I think it was because I felt like I wasn't safe or something. Now I'm back to myself, pissing everyone off because I talk too much!

 

[bell]

I've discovered recently that when I get triggered, certain words won't come out. It's like my brain tags them as "too difficult" and refuses to say them. Most bizarrely, one of them has been my own name! Ack! It's like when I don't have a choice but to use a certain word (when ordering or saying my name or talking about something specific) I then know my brain is going to shut down on it, so then I freak out internally about getting it out in public and it makes it worse, so I just end up being silent. I hate it, as it's like my body is trying to isolate my brain, denying my own need and wish to connect. And then the silence becomes deafening.

And in reading other people's responses here, I am wondering how much it all has to do with shame of some sort? @Kas_Can_Fly, I feel trapped by it. Like when I was assaulted and literally couldn't say "no." The words wouldn't come out just the same. My silence frustrates me to no end, because then I can't connect.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

@franciemarnie Thank you for the book suggestion, I will look into it :)

Thanks @arfie for your comment, I find I forget words a lot and stammer when I'm stressed - I can't get the words out! I think it's caused more by dissociation for me than anxiety - although I dissociate more the more anxious I get so really it's difficult to tell where one thing starts and another ends. I hate noise and loudness, I can tolerate it for short periods of time - it's odd though, I can have the TV up quite loud for a long time but if there are two people talking quietly in the same room and I can't cope.

Thanks @Solara for sharing that our minds shut down when the trauma takes over. For me however although there was a feeling of being trapped, it felt safe like a cocoon and whilst at points I felt like I desperately wanted to say things, for the most part I felt freed by not having to talk. People wanted me to but I wasn't able to, I didn't make a choice to talk or not talk, I couldn't and it was quite freeing. I was simply broken. It was completely honest, there was no pretending to be ok or keeping face for others, it wasn't as if I had a choice to please or not please - it just was what it was.

Thanks @Healing Reins it was more than stopping talking somehow - though I'm glad you feel better. I just shut down and broke, I couldn't function. Somehow I stopped. As I said before it was kind of a relief, but I felt so bad. Just before I stopped, my Dad managed to get my mum to imply that my feelings didn't matter but the implication (to me, not her) was that I was worthless, I'm a liar, that no one will believe me, that I don't have a right to live, that I I will be made to stay there, that I don't have a right to have a say and that would force me to keep on living with him (and therefore my sexual abuse would continue). It was such an infliction of power over me - and tricking my mum to agree was equivalent if not worse than the rapes because my mum has never played any part in my abuse. I'm still scared now that she still agrees all of those things. Luckily even though my mum agreed with him, she still took me away and unable to cope handed me over to my grandmother's.

@bell I know I can't say some words - and then too often dissociate, but I feel that somehow that was different to this. It's interesting about the shame. For me I know a large parts of it were dissociation, shock, fear, exhaustion and lastly relief at being taken away. But yes, I think I was ashamed.

All of this was brought to mind after watching s07e18 "Foundation" of Criminal Minds, the boy, Angel, in it was so similar to how I was. I related so much and felt sorrow for him because I understood so well, I knew what he was feeling. I was able to apply some self-compassion towards myself, albeit uncomfortably which is a bit of milestone. I only can't understand why no one wondered why I was so broken and didn't ever think to question my fathers care over me as apparently it's a pretty extreme response.

 

[fly away home]

I was always a quiet child. Always shy and never spoke much but when I was in early high school, about 13 to 15, I stopped talking altogether. I had a friend who talked for me. It strangely worked well for me, she somehow understood what I needed and did all the talking I needed to do which was really just the mere basics of life like ordering food and handing in homework.

This was a stage where the domestic violence I was living in was life threatening on a nightly basis. Mind you I never told her what was happening at home, no one ever knew about that until after my father was taken away. I guess I just never felt safe so words, or any form of showing yourself is a dangerous thing to do.

I do remember feeling very frustrated with myself for being unable to speak but I also remember it was a safe place to be mentally. I'm only just recognizing that this stage of not talking was in fact an unusual thing to do and I must have been really struggling with what I was experiencing at the time. Many memories from that time are gone. I don't recall much of the abuse and violence at all.

 

[Be Braver]

@bell I experience a similar thing. It's more like when I'm asked questions that are difficult for me to answer and are related to shame/guilt. Often times I am asked a question and I know the answer right away but for some reason I just can't say it. It's so frustrating, and I know it frustrates the people around me. It's like no matter what I literally can't say the words I want to, I can't really say anything at all! There are times where I want to say that I don't want to answer the question and I can't even get myself to say that.