Treading Dangerously?!

[CraftyCath]

I think my definition of 'goal' varies.

I agree Nicolette. Do we have a 'Long Term Goals' thread?

 

[ClairBear226]

Everyone has different levels of functioning. Yours, from what I can tell, is pretty high functioning.

Well, that's true enough. I can certainly see your point, Ayesha, and I like that you can respectfully disagree and present your point as well as you have. Yet, I do the self assessment put out by the VA weekly (I have a PTSD app on my phone that acts as a symptom tracker). I have been consistantly in the low area of the "high" symptom level range for almost a year. I've only dipped down into the "medium" area once. When I was on vacation. Now granted, we're not talking about scientific testing, and I can absolutely acknowledge that there are varying levels of functioning within the PTSD criteria. But personally, I think I'm holding down a job because I never considered it an option not to.

At the level I'm at with symptoms, it could truthfully swing either way. If I had someone there to tell me, "It's okay. You're sick. No need to take care of anyone else, or even yourself. We can do that for you", I think it could easily be very different. If my symptoms spiked higher than where I'm at right now, I would be in trouble, because there are days when it's very hard to maintain the level of functioning I'm at. But make no mistake. Since my onset of symptoms began in 1989, I've left an abusive marriage, became a single mother, worked, put myself through nursing school, graduated, got married, raised my family and established a career because I worked at it. I fought the desire to stagnate and curl up into a ball, when it would have been so much more comforting to do just that. I absolutely agree with Nicolette. You can not beat this thing if your goals are small and short sighted. A goal for the day of getting showered might be okay for when things are at their absolute worst. But we all know there are good days and bad days. The good ones need to be pushed to their limits, otherwise the bad ones win. And so does PTSD.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I have been thinking about this while seeing posts on the forum and I fear my problem is I see a to-do list (things you want to do) as just that and not goals. Goals are bigger to me and something to really strive for and more long term. I think my definition of 'goal' varies.

There are so many ways to look at goals. They might be work goals, financial goals, material goals, family, social standing, health, a state of mind etc.

I think the wisest goals are those that seek to find some balance in life. And maybe looking for that balance is why goals need to change and be constantly adjusted according to circumstances.

Another factor to setting goals is finding personal values that form the intention behind the goal.

I think the most difficult thing can be finding the goal that is really what a person wants in life. We're bombarded with ideas of what it is to be a success and many people strive for that image. But they won't necessarily find personal fullfillment.

I think I do understand your view. But I do believe that there is much more depth to setting lifetime goals and more scope to this discussion now.

 

[Belle]

PTSD sufferers can sometimes do the big stuff and then struggle to find energy for the little stuff. Hence the goals to do little stuff.

I think you have made a really good point Meadowsweet.... the big stuff can take up so much energy and adrenalin that when it comes to the little stuff, such as making a meal, mowing the lawn or going to the bank that can seem like a big deal because it is just everyday stuff on top of the having to deal with constant negative thoughts and applying therapy strategies. I think some people are really, really depressed and maybe they don't have the support from people in real life who really care to help them move forward.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Oh my god! now I'm freaking out because I think I don't do enough! (I'm in school, starting to volunteer, become more social, etc...) I suppose its the perfectionist in me rearing its ugly head. Sigh. I need to remember that I AM doing enough! Rome wasn't built in a day...

 

[ClairBear226]

Oh my god! now I'm freaking out because I think I don't do enough!

I think the important thing is to not allow ourselves to stagnate, yet find a balance between challenging ourselves and becoming complacent. Take advantage of the good days to make a move forward. I hate to think about where I'd be if I was still only treading water, and hadn't achieved anything I set out to do. The achievements, though they're hard to accomplish while battling depression, also have the value of making us feel as if we're strong and able when times are rough. If you can accomplish XYZ, then surely you can make it through one more day, right?

 

[Srain]

I've held off posting here because I've really wanted to access myself. I had a knee-jerk reaction to the topic simply because I'm Reactive Rain and I am intimately familiar with myself on this point.

I think this is a GREAT topic and one that I've been exploring with myself and probably will continue. I've had years of guilt about this and probably will again. For myself, I really need to be honest each and every time I check-in about this topic, like some people here I have a history that lays me out with PTSD symptoms over "am I doing enough" which clashes with "I need to take a time out".

It's the balance that I'm striving for and knowing the difference that gets confusing for a person like me. My Hunny is wonderful and would do anything for me so I have to make sure I am doing enough for myself. He is a great cheerleader and when I discuss the fears I have about getting myself going I know I trust him to help show me the starting point, even when all seems so overwhelming. Just his offering to help can throw me into gear.

I hope I will always ask myself if I am pushing hard enough forward. It may not always look pretty but to date, I can honestly say that I SEE where I slide and where I am stepping up.

Great topic!
Rain

 

[Loloma]

I do understand where you are coming from Nicolette. Having suffered from PTSD as long as I can remember, I'm now almost 63. It sarted with childhood physical and sexual abuse and esculated from there, with me making bad life choices. I ended up in relationships with abusers. Having to overcome the grief of loosing five brothers and sisters tipped me over the edge.

Years of deep depression and illness finally led to long term hospitalisation after several attempts at suicide. It took me years of therapy before I could live a "normal" life. Well what I thought was normal anyway. Somehow I managed to function enough to go out and work, raise my children and do what was expected of me. Probably because I had no support from my partners and the children needed me, I put my own feelings on hold. Maybe in a way I was robotic and showed little or no emotion. My sense of responsibility overrid everything else.

When I first joined this forum in October last year, I was at a low point in my life. My second marriage was ending and I was devastated. I received a great deal of help and support from members on this forum and I will always be grateful for that. I saw a therapist while living in Holland who actually helped me considerably. I stopped playing the blame game and realised that because of my childhood, I had enabled my partners to treat me the way that they did. I am not saying that they were without blame, it's just that I never set up any boundaries because I'd never been taught any. As far as my parents are concerned, I have forgiven them, forgetting is another issue.

I also learnt not to live in the past, but in the present and to take one day at a time and to plan for the future. Letting go makes it easier to move forward. You cannot change what happened, reliving it over and over again is pointless and only hurts you. If your coming out of a bad relationship, or have had a crappy childhood (and boy, did I seriously disturbed parents), be kind to yourself. Don't take over where they left off.

There is a time for sorrow, hurt and pain, then comes the time for healing. Don't stay the victim, give yourself a break and start to rebuild your life. It's hard and it takes time. I am speaking from my own personal experience where my friends, family and children got to the point of not asking how I was. Since my return to Australia they are all pleasantly suprised at the change in me. I am no longer positively negative as I once was and when asked how I am, my reply is "I'm happy and feeling great". People tire of constant negativity as it can be depressing at times. If you ask for help and are given advice again and again and choose to ignore it, what's the point.

By the way I am still seeing my Psychiatrist once a month. And we are great friends and have known each other for more than twenty years.

 

[Loloma]

Sorry I needed to add that I am on a disability pension because of chronic illnesses. I wake every morning in pain and need to rest a lot. However since I have become more positive in my outlook, my health has improved as well. :inpain::happy:

 

[angel2write]

I'm impressed by your achievement in being more positive, Loloma. It's hard for me to be cheerful with people sometimes. I'm (literally) afraid they'll think I'm "all better" and expect more from me than I can give if I look too happy.

Sigh. Yet another thing I need to work on improving.

I think the greatest thing I've gotten out of this discussion is a real perspective on how far I've come in a year. I haven't set very many big "goals," but somehow all the little ones have added up into some real progress. And I don't know, with my slant towards negative thinking, if I would have noticed it on my own.

I like what Claire said about recovery requiring work, too. I have a lot of people who find out that we homeschool, and they'll say "I wish I could stay at home and homeschool, too." But the truth is that they're not willing to do the work. Go without vacations. Have no time alone. Go without expensive electronics. Buy clothes from goodwill. Stop eating out. Pay $1200 and up a year just for school materials. Learn Chemistry and Algebra. I mean, it's a lot of work. The same with marriage. It's not easy. It doesn't take care of itself, even a healthy marriage. You have to WORK at anything you want in life. And I guess recovery is the same way.

Sometimes all I can do is keep breathing and not go for the knives. But like somebody else said, there are good days, and on good days, I try to work on whatever my priority goals are right then. Keeping house. Keeping calm in stores. Communicating. Whatever.

 

[Loloma]

I'm impressed by your achievement in being more positive, Loloma. It's hard for me to be cheerful with people sometimes. I'm (literally) afraid they'll think I'm "all better" and expect more from me than I can give if I look too happy.

(((angeltowrite))) I hear you, it is hard having to raise and school children while you have PTSD would be daunting! I am now living with my son who has custody of his two step daughters. They can be a handful at times, as they don't fully understand their situation. Due to circumstances they only see their mother a few days a month. Sometimes I want to run away as it gets too much, but they need stability in their lives and my son needs the help as he also runs two businesses. I am grateful that he has given me a roof over my end.

You should be proud of yourself, seems like you are doing a wonderful job. As for the electronics, etc. They are only material things and they don't make you happy. I lost all of it, but in return I gained my self respect, confidence and so much more. You are looking at the big picture your children, which is more important and rewarding.

 

[Whitneys story]

In so many threads I notice there are not a lot of questions brought up. I have the same inquisitive aspect as Nicolette. I have never been allowed to not grow. I think so many people have been so programmed that they believe they have no voice. Or if they use it they will be reprimanded for it! I saw this and it made me think of the thread.

How do we not allow fear of the past to control our future? Hugs Whitney