Tried To Quit Therapy 5 Times

[Deleted member 35429]

I have mentioned here before about how intense my experience with transference in therapy has been. I get so convinced he's behaving like the perpetrator that I have tried to quit therapy at least 5 times now. Something always comes up that seems too difficult to overcome and I tell him this is the last session. Then I get over it and move on to the next issue that terrifies me.

Tomorrow is yet another time that I told him would be my last session. This time it's a financial issue. He mentioned Im his lowest paying client because my insurance sucks. Now I'm convinced he doesn't want me there and a I'm planning on squaring the bill and leaving for good. Problem is there have been SO many other issues that made me feel like I can never go back. I feel like he's making me crazy. I am very stable in regular life. I'm totally bat shit crazy in therapy thinking he's doing and saying the worst things.

Does anyone else constantly feeling like fleeing? I think he's particularly aloof and maybe I'm trying to get him to act like he cares more. He's not demonstrative with his feelings at all which is making me crazy. I just can't read him and instead I assume all the worst things.

This is torture. How is this therapeutic?

 

[EveHarrington]

Well this is just me-----

But while many suggest working through transference, I think it's sometimes best to just move on. I mean I had a therapist or two who reminded me of my abuser. I had a choice of spending TONNES of time, energy and money working through the transference issues in therapy before even touching on the trauma stuff, or I could move on and find another therapist I didn't have transference issues with. And before anyone says I'm wrong-------it would be like forcing someone to stay in therapy with a therapist who was their rapists/abusers doppelgänger. Is it really worth fighting through that? I'd argue not.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

Thank you for your insight. I mostly agree, yes? , it seems like we can't even get to trauma stuff because we constantly have to talk about the relationship and I'm often very dissociative in session which makes it hard to have coherent conversations.

I am attached to him though. When these issues come up I feel like crying and I never cry. I suppose this experience has been enlightening in that I see how painful it all is...until I met this therapist I was much more numb. Now I'm emotionally nuts.

I'm genuinely embarrassed to cancel again. I seem like a basket case. Is he really thinking this is good therapy? It's a head trip. I've regressed back to a paranoid 16yr old

 

[VioletButterfly]

I'm learning this the hard way in life and trying to really embrace it - Listen to you instincts. I've ignored them time and again as I've been trained very well for my entire life to do so, and about 98% of the time my have been dead on correct. It's often difficult to tell the difference between a gut reaction and fear, but with work I think this is an essential tool.

As for your situation at hand, I'd leave. I had a corrupted therapist who I never really felt comfortable with on a very deep level, but part of me bonded with her in a very unhealthy way. She brainwashed me and caused a great deal of damage that on some level is still affecting me. Cut bait while you can and find alternate support. I understand the financial aspects of therapy as I can't afford to go right now, so I'm in it on my own for the most part. If you are able, seek out support groups, maybe? I don't know your tolerance level. I'm trying very hard to get myself to go to a support group or back to Al Anon. It's just very hard for me right now due to how vulnerable I feel, so I get it. Or, just keep on looking for someone you feel comfortable and safe with to continue your important work in healing. All my best. VB

 

[rosey]

I have been the same. I think for me if i am honest picking on all the therapy problems offered me a good way out of getting to the real stuff. Have done the same as you many times saying i was ending therapy then changing my mind. Be warned that therapist will only cope with it so many times.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I have mentioned here before about how intense my experience with transference in therapy has been. I get...

Hmmm, that struck a cord. Bat shit crazy, that pretty much sums it up. Is therapy supposed to do that to a patient anyways? I think not, I find myself stemming against that issue all the time. Isn't therapy supposed to make us feel better? How come that even after 6 years I am still suffering like this? So many questions......

 

[aut555]

I stopped therapy, l kept triggering after sessions. It didn't make sense. It seems we got off on the right page but then the t just had her own agenda and l wasn't on the list of therapeutic intervention.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I would encourage you to find another therapist. I don't see how you can start down the trauma healing path when the person you need to be more vulnerable with is causing additional stress. That's one of the worst things you need right now.

Just my opinion.

 

[watundah]

Curious if based upon whatever your trauma is if you may be more.comfortable with a woman. I don't believe I could ever dip deeply into all that has happened to me if my T was a man.

 

[Maud]

My first instinct is to tell you to head for the exit on this guy. I was in a similar situation with a male therapist and it only got worse. I was bonded and other therapists, doctors warned me it was not healthy. He did the money thing too.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

I have been the same. I think for me if i am honest picking on all the therapy problems offered me a good...

My gut says I am doing this to avoid closeness. It seems like as soon as we start to go deeper or feel closer I find something that seems like a deal breaker. He either seems disinterested, aloof, avoidant, guarded. He also seems to look unfamiliar and strange which I'm realizing is a dissociative pattern with me. I am dissociative in office, and feel better as soon as I leave usually. I feel like I should work through this with him. I'm both attached to him and afraid of him...Just realized that's exactly like my relationship with my perpetrator when I was a kid. I find I'm nervous to be away from him all week but I'm afraid when I'm with him. From everything I understand about transference it seems this would be good to work through...but all these responses make me question that logic. I'll just go another few weeks and see. I can't believe I'm still agonizing over this.