Sexual Assault Triggered After The Fact... Does This Make Sense At All?

[mrsmegan]

Hi.

It has been a really long time since I posted here....

So. Last night, while I was asleep, a couple of times my husband started sexually touching me. From what I remember, I was enjoying it, but I was half asleep. He is my husband, I know him and love him, and I know that his intention was good.

This morning, I'm feeling really triggered by the whole thing. I wasn't asked permission. It feels violating now. It's bringing up feelings and thoughts associated with the sexual abuse I suffered.

I want to talk to him about it, but I feel incredibly guilty. If I was truly bothered by it, as I seem to be now, then wouldn't I have been while it was happening? It feels like it's unfair now to be upset.

I just need some honest opinions. Am I being unfair and stupid for getting upset after the fact or is it valid?

 

[EveHarrington]

Most of my reactions are delayed.

It's not being unfair. It's about acknowledging the reality of the situation.

You have a right to your feelings and if you get triggered after the fact, then that's just how it is. Your husband shouldn't feel guilty.

I mean delayed onset PTSD is incredibly common. If you believe that a delayed trigger should be dismissed, then by that line of thinking, delayed onset PTSD is a bunch of crap, too, right? But we all know that delayed onset PTSD is quite common in the world of PTSD.

 

[mrsmegan]

your husband shouldn't feel guilty.

I'm confused by this statement... Sorry maybe I'm just not thinking clearly....

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

:hug: First, a friendly hug. You are not being unfair or stupid, and you have a valid point. Does your husband know? If he does know, I think he would want to know that you weren't quite awake, and that you woke up feeling "triggered". There is a stage of sleep where we aren't quite conscious, and personally, I thinks it's a LITTLE close to a drugged state, or slightly "tipsy".

Just talking about it with him might "take care of the feeling" depending on what kind of relationship you have.

You could say, " something really weird happened last night, and I thought you should know. I don't exactly know why it triggered me, but I need to tell you, and maybe you can help...." Who knows, but maybe you were having a dream or "nightmare" and you were back in that emotional place of trauma...

I think you are thinking clearly...perfectly. Feelings ARE, they aren't right or wrong...they just exist. The things that bring them up...there are lots!

Be GOOD to yourself, and try not to "overthink" or dwell in the feelings...maybe write them down? If you have a friend, give them a call. You don't have to talk about what happened, just have a conversation to help clear your mind. Nothing deep, just some friendly conversation.

When you have had a chance to talk to your husband, you'll find a way. I definitely think you should...

Blessings to you,
AKJ

 

[Justmehere]

Sleeping people can not consent to sexual activity.

Period.

He crossed a bright line by touching you in a sexual way while you were asleep.

Your participation in the sexual activity once awake, doesn't make what he did while you were asleep ok.

It isn't abnormal that you participated once you were half awake. You were astounded and he's your husband. Now that you are awake and no longer dealing with the flood of what it feels like to be aroused already, makes sense that it's hitting you now.

Touching someone in a sexual way when they are unable to consent, like when they are asleep, is legally sexual assault in the US.

I hope you do talk to him about it so that he can understand the importance of seeking your consent first and how sleeping people can't consent. Might help to show him this video called "Tea and Consent": https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pZwvrxVavnQ

If a person can't drink tea, then they can't give consent.

This might also be helpful: Legal Role of Consent | RAINN

What he did was wrong and I do hope you talk to him about it when you are ready.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I think what you are feeling is normal. You feel triggered, it's part of PTSD. My thoughts would be to discuss it with hubby and ask him, to please wake you the next time. No need to feel guilty. It is what it is, and you just need to work a bit more on your trauma and find a way to not have this affect you so strongly..

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Justmehere I will have to say I feel this is way over the top reaction. It's her husband, not some stranger. I guess we will have to agree to disagree.

I was married, I've been assualted, but when my husband used to wake me doing this, it was some of the best sex I'd had. I found it very erotic. Again, that's just my opinion.

 

[Gs172003]

I'm not sure what to say. I have immediate reaction to some things delayed to others. If it was me, I'd just talk to my husband and let him know " though I enjoyed it at the time it became triggering and in the future, I'd rather be more aware before you....( fill in the blank)."

 

[Justmehere]

@She Cat - In the US, being married is not a legit exemption or defense to the laws that define sexual assault as sexual contact when they are known to be asleep.

Sexual assault is not more or less bad because someone knows the person or not. For example, date rape is still rape even though the assailant is known.

Your being ok with it with your husband doing what he did doesn't mean other people would be ok with it, and the original poster is clearly not ok with it.

Let's look at another criminal act: theft.

If someone steals my phone, I may not care. I may be ok with it. I may even benefit from having a reason to buy a new phone. My being ok with a theft against me, my reaction to a theft, is my reaction. It doesn't make the act of theft legal or ok with others. My reaction to a crime being small doesn't mean someone's bigger reaction tot he same crime is less valid. It doesn't mean somrone else should be ok with their phone being stolen.

Similarly, another's upset about a crime doesn't mean you should be just as upset as they are when the same thing happened to you.

Every allowed to have their own reaction. One reaction does not make others more or less valid.

I believe that being upset about this happening could be a triggered reaction about the past sexual assault and/or normal reaction to this event in and of itself. Likely both.

 

[Sideways]

From what I remember, I was enjoying it, but I was half asleep.

This is a really key statement to me for a few reasons.

First, to me, it rules out this being a sexual assault, which I think might be a good thing. Construing intimacy with a mutually loving partner as sexual assault, especially when it isn't, would make this unnecessarily traumatic for me. Labels are important to me, and it sounds like in your mind, you weren't giving it much thought at the time (which is totally okay) and weren't 'withholding consent' at the time. Having a bit of a special cuddle when you're half asleep is normal, okay, and not the same as sexual assault when you're asleep. So I don't know that it's helpful to frame it in that way.

Being triggered by something after the fact is also normal. And it definitely calls for some communication with hubby, as well as some gentleness with yourself. This is still something that makes you uncomfortable. But you can work on this together so that it just becomes a pleasant experience again.

But the statement is also important because of how it's going to impact hubby when you talk to him. It may be confusing for him if he knows that even if you seem okay with something at the time, you might still find it really distressing later on. You'll need to work as partners to deal with that, because he's going to need to know from you whatever okay and whatever not, without feeling like he's causing delayed distress, you know?

It's okay that you're figuring out these things together. And it's a work in progress, rather than something that is set in stone, like "I'll never feel safe having cuddles again". You will, especially of hubby is willing to work with you to get back to what you enjoy in a safe way.

Working with your T might give you some confidence in the way you approach this...

 

[EveHarrington]

I mean that others shouldn't feel guilty for triggering us. It's not their fault.

 

[mrsmegan]

Thank you all so much for your replies.

No, I do not think this was assault. I don't feel attacked by him. I just feel triggered by the experience.

I don't think it was wise on his part, considering he knows about my past abuse, but I know that his intention would never be to trigger me or hurt me.

Thank you for validating my feelings and that it's okay that it triggered me afterwards. I will work on the courage to talk to him and I will bring it to my T.