Triggered, Incredibly, Brief Flashback.

[Kas_Can_Fly]

The worst part of all of this is I feel guilty because I don't want my sister to feel guilty and I know she didn't mean to cause it, in fact she doesn't even know.

I was sitting in my room, fairly calm (if I do say so myself!), not really doing a lot, waiting for an email that I'm sure will come faster if I always am within a few feet of my laptop. When I hear massively terrified screaming (must have been a youtube prank/video), I wasn't expecting it and it was distant I wasn't sure if it was in my head and whilst I tried to gather my thoughts together, failing miserably, the a man starts shouting, not angrily, he sounded scared too, but it wouldn't have mattered, it all happened in under 10 seconds. It didn't really register. I lost my grip and I had a flashback, It must have lasted for only 15-20 seconds and then stopped. I don't know if that's because I shut down or because I before the flashback started I was trying to regain control. When I came out of it I was shut down completely but in another few minutes I was back and super on edge. Now I'm out of it I feel like I did in it.

I've used Safenow's ever so helpful grounding sheet and another my Social Worker gave me, it helped in a way because now I feel calm/numb and on edge at the same time. I don't know if it's my inside that feels calm and the outside that feels on edge or the other way round, but it's visible and really I think I've just tricked my self to believe I feel calm when really I'm not that calm at all. I'm really confused, I don't know what's happening. I'm between being so massively on edge and dissociating that I keep coming and going. It's all happened so fast. Everything so fast. So quick.

 

[safenow]

Kas_Can_Fly, breathe with me. Into your tummy, deep and slow. Hold it for the count of 3, then release it. Do this a few times, okay?

I'm sorry ths is happening to you today. But I'm glad you are able to do some grounding. I'm very proud of you for doing that.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I think the reason it bothered me so much is it was new memories. I haven't stopped learning more memories since August last year. Is it working if I keep dissociating? Maybe I exaggerated maybe it was more like a minute or two. But it all felt out of control and so fast. I'm breathing slower now.

 

[safenow]

Thats good.

I hope you are keeping a journal of these new memories as they come up. It can help you when you see your therapist again as well.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I'm incredibly sorry I posted this message with mistakes and that someone had to correct them, it was not intentional. Not only have I read the rules and try to keep to them because they are the rules but also keep to them because I have always believed I have acceptably good English and it's usually one of the few things I'm proud of.

I understand a traumatic brain cannot read these things, I also understand that while writing this I was unable to ground myself and really it was a cry out, until I get a therapist and even then there will be points I imagine I will need help.

I now have a list of numbers printed out next to me and I will phone them when I'm distressed as I would hate to trigger someone or cause anyone any distress and when I was like I was yesterday, I don't really have the control. I can type with my eyes closed but can't check it back that way. I guess I got to complacent by people's trusting messages, and felt like this was a safe place. I won't let it happen again.

I'm sorry for the problems I've caused. I will avoid making those mistakes again. Thank you for letting me know.

AJ

 

[falasong]

AJ,

Stop apologizing. That is the only order I will issue, I promise.

I have been a PTSD work in progress for the better part of a decade now, and I still have my moments. Just had one four days ago actually.

I thought I had come to terms with the difficulty I faced with the VA Hospital I was caught off guard when my symptoms became overwhelming, I struggled with the notion of 'war veteran' and whether I 'counted' but I felt like I was drowning and I had no where else to go. I did not match the PTSD standard in terms of military trauma at the time (I was never shot at and I didn't shoot at anyone else), the distinction was further complicated by the fact that I was a 25 year old female in a Veteran community that still viewed Vietnam Vets as youngsters. Still, I couldn't sleep, couldn't stop crying and I was angry all the time but I didn't know why. PTSD never entered into the equation, in fact, they sent me to the Women's Clinic, repeatedly. It took three years, and many misdiagnoses before my experiences and their unique circumstances were taken into account.

Four days ago, I learned that now, veterans of Iraq and Afghanistan get four years of mandatory counseling, regardless of diagnosis. I am glad that he is getting help, but at the same time I became irrationally jealous and a bit pissed off... for about ten minutes. I will not apologize for this because in many ways this policy owes its existence to veterans just like me who found the flaws in the system. I can still grieve for that which I begged for, but did not receive.

PTSD does not occur overnight, not will it go away overnight. Calm and numb may be appropriate at times, but it is just as acceptable to feel the emotion in the moment that it occurs. How else are we supposed to regain a sense of equilibrium? Take the time to process the memories, flashes, impulses and emotional responses. They are natural and necessary for recovery.

falasong
:O_o: