Triggered & Struggling

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
T got back to me but not sure how to handle it. He’d like me to commit to life for a chunk of time while we work through some things, I know perfectly reasonable request, not sure I can.
If you feel able to bookmark what Sideways said in response to this, that might be really helpful to re refer to?

If I’m completely honest it’s possible that I’ve been pushing forward in hopes of being pushed over the edge.
It's so positive you recognise this. Do you feel able to tell T this? It seems important. A pattern to look out for.
 

Charbella

Confident
Sideways, I might be able to convince myself that I can agree knowing I’ll always have control so thanks for that.

I’m pretty sure my T is going to want more than the 5 weeks I’m willing to give. School will start up again and I’ll have students to consider, best they never know me than lose me mid-year.

I know those considerations kept me going until summer last year but it seems too much to commit to another year.
 

Charbella

Confident
It’s been weeks since I posted this. What would you view as the pros and cons of telling my T I would’ve done it that weekend if he hadn’t phoned for the welfare check, especially as I’m not sure I understand why that stopped me, I mean once the welfare check was passed there really wasn’t anything in my way. Not likely he would’ve called them again, though that was on my mind.

I wouldn’t say I’m very far away from that same edge, especially with school starting up again soon. I don’t commit to any time not doing it as I really do have big issues with honesty. I only scheduled a month out (this one) but then I scheduled next month as it was filling and I figured the worst thing I could do would be to go back to school and all it’s stressors and not be able to get an appointment.

I may only need the Pros as I’m feeling like the con category is full.
cons: feels to vulnerable which causes a lot of anxiety
makes it easier to commit me if I start showing more signs
I’m not sure what purpose it serves
it creates more questions and I don’t love those, safety issues (by product of being a kid with a lot to hide, questions are dangerous)
 

joeylittle

Administrator
What would you view as the pros and cons of telling my T I would’ve done it that weekend if he hadn’t phoned for the welfare check
My first question would be - did the welfare check interrupt a suicidal action? Or, is it that you were moving mentally deeper and deeper into the very heavy ideation?
 

Charbella

Confident
@joeylittle I’m not sure I understand your question. I’m also not sure I can answer the question based on the community rules. I’m definitely not saying I’m going to do anything right now.
 
I’ve been struggling with SI for over a year, some days every open thought is of it and other days I just pray to not wake up. My T knows but I haven’t been forthcoming as of late so he has no idea how bad it is lately.

I’m pretty good at appearing “normal” so I don’t think anyone else even suspects. Lately in Therapy I’ve been pretty who cares it’s almost summer and I can do it then. (I teach and wouldn’t want my students to have to deal with that mid-year). From his perspective that means I’ve been more open (nothing to lose), more willing to push the boundaries in EMDR. But the other side of that is I grow closer to the edge as outside of therapy I grow increasingly closed off to people and any emotions.

I get I’m doing this to myself and I’m not sure I want to change course which is of course why I haven’t mentioned it. For now I’m not scheduled to go back to therapy, though his clients do it online so I don’t think he knows that. I’m not sure if I’m taking a break or not.

Yesterday in session he talked about connecting with my body in a baby step he’d like me to try. We’ve talked about how this is not a desire of mine, I don’t see how anything good can come from it. I’m happy to be a walking head, hands, and feet. But the step he suggested really triggered me and now it seems like everything is triggering me. I was really doing great with being numb.
I feel your pain. I am like you. Good at hiding it. But when I do reach out and tell people I’m not okay I get ignored and they tell me I got this.
 
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Charbella

Confident
I feel your pain. I am like you. Good at hiding it. But when I do reach out and tell people I’m not okay I get ignored and they tell me I got this.
I’m sorry, that sucks. I would only ever reach out to my T. Not big on burdening people. Nor on the terrifying prospect of being seen.

Is it possible people tell you you got this because they don’t know how to respond so their trying to encourage you? Not saying it’s okay. Are you living in a place where there are resources available? My state just added a crisis response team so they have resources available…at least that’s what the radio and tv say. Do you have a T?
 
I’m sorry, that sucks. I would only ever reach out to my T. Not big on burdening people. Nor on the terrifying prospect of being seen.

Is it possible people tell you you got this because they don’t know how to respond so their trying to encourage you? Not saying it’s okay. Are you living in a place where there are resources available? My state just added a crisis response team so they have resources available…at least that’s what the radio and tv say. Do you have a T?
I don’t have a T. I have gone to one in past, years ago bc of a nervous break down I had for six months and I was put on pills that woke me up during the day and knocked me out at night. But this was after I had been gaslighted and lied to from a person I loved and trusted and when I began standing up for myself that’s when he took me to be put on meds. So I’m afraid of medication and the fact I’m not in my home state anymore. I’m alone in a state my new husband and I moved to and then he died.
 

Charbella

Confident
I don’t have a T. I have gone to one in past, years ago bc of a nervous break down I had for six months and I was put on pills that woke me up during the day and knocked me out at night. But this was after I had been gaslighted and lied to from a person I loved and trusted and when I began standing up for myself that’s when he took me to be put on meds. So I’m afraid of medication and the fact I’m not in my home state anymore. I’m alone in a state my new husband and I moved to and then he died.
You can see a therapist without being put on meds. I have one and other than trying medical marijuana he’s never suggested any meds. The regular doctor has when he found out I am self-harming to the point of anemia. I tried some but I’m not a fan so I do therapy twice a week.

You’d have someone to talk to. Given you said state I’m going to guess US. Check the resources your state has. If you have insurance do a search for a therapist who specializes in bereavement.
 

Charbella

Confident
My first question would be - did the welfare check interrupt a suicidal action? Or, is it that you were moving mentally deeper and deeper into the very heavy ideation?
It interrupted an act, sort of the welfare check was Thursday and I’d planned on doing it Saturday as my parents were visiting and I wanted to wait until after.
 

Friday

Moderator
What would you view as the pros and cons of telling my T I would’ve done it that weekend if he hadn’t phoned for the welfare check, especially as I’m not sure I understand why that stopped me, I mean once the welfare check was passed there really wasn’t anything in my way. Not likely he would’ve called them again, though that was on my mind.
All pros. No cons.
 
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