Triggered & Struggling

[Movingforward10]

If the cop said it was a friend. How do you know it was T?

Lots of people on here have been in hospital. And feeling how you arem and have experienced welfare checks. So, whilst your experience 20 years ago was horrific, it doesn't mean if it were to happen again it would be the same. It could still be incredibly hard, but not so traumatising as last time.

I suppose it boils down to what you want. You are on here trying to work through what T and this welfare check means. To me that shows care and thought, and I translate that to a part of you wanting to work through this. Which I then take to mean a part of you that wants to live.
So, what steps are you going to take to stay alive and get out of this state you are in?

 

[Charbella]

I guess I don’t know for sure it was him but honestly my friendship group is extremely small and they don’t know, plus I’ve done nothing to to give them pause.

i don’t know, I guess step one is to get off the fence. I emailed my T in the mean time asking how we move forward. I only did that about 30 minutes ago so I’m guessing I’ll get a response sometime Monday.

 

[Movingforward10]

That's so great you emailed! Really happy for you that you worked past your feelings and reached out.

And,now you can hear from T whether it was him or not and why and how to move forward, and explain what you want. This is really positive.

 

[Charbella]

What if he decides I’m too stressful and he doesn’t want to work with me anymore?

 

[Movingforward10]

What if he decides I’m too stressful and he doesn’t want to work with me anymore?

It's very unlikely. I often think this too: that I'm too much and T will terminate me and I'll be abandoned again, and I can't cope. But each time my T shows me the opposite.
I think these thoughts come from the past and we expect our T's to behave the way previous people did.
Because whilst all this all very stressful for you: this is the job he has chosen and itr less stressful for him. You aren't the first and won't be the last client that is in this state.

 

[OliveJewel]

I often think this too

Me too 🙋‍♀️

You aren't the first and won't be the last client that is in this state.

Not only that, you’re probably not the most stressful client he works with. I have overheard a client screaming *at* my T 😬 and she came out with a smile to tell me she’d be a few minutes late and to ask the client’s partner to please come in.

 

[Charbella]

Well he responded. He did think he was sending someone for a body, he wasn’t wrong just early. My parents had plans to be in town today I wanted to be here for that.

I hate that I worried him, it wasn’t my intent.

I’ve had two family members commit suicide so I know what the aftermath looks like. As before I’ve tried to mitigate that. Knowing it’s futile.

He said he’s out of town and would finish his response later. I wonder what that means?

 

[Charbella]

Not only that, you’re probably not the most stressful client he works with.

I wouldn’t go that far. He told me only a few months ago that I’ve pushed him more than anything else to be a better therapist and because of that he has tools he’s never had before. So I’d say I’m the one he loses sleep over.

 

[OliveJewel]

Sounds like he appreciates the relationship he has with you.

 

[Movingforward10]

Well he responded. He did think he was sending someone for a body, he wasn’t wrong just early. My parents had plans to be in town today I wanted to be here for that.

I hate that I worried him, it wasn’t my intent.

I’ve had two family members commit suicide so I know what the aftermath looks like. As before I’ve tried to mitigate that. Knowing it’s futile.

He said he’s out of town and would finish his response later. I wonder what that means?

I'm really pleased he responded.
And I'm really pleased you said he wasn't wrong, just early. As he knows, without you having said the words to him, that this is a very serious situation.
I think he said he is out of town and will respond later because he has more to say and wants to prob come up with some sort of safety plan with you? Idk, I'm mind reading there.

But the fact you said he was just early in terms of finding a body, means a safety plan is very very much needed.
Do you want to have a safety plan in place?
Do you feel able to tell anyone else in your life what is going on?
Do you think you need to be somewhere other than alone in your home right now?

 

[Charbella]

T got back to me but not sure how to handle it. He’d like me to commit to life for a chunk of time while we work through some things, I know perfectly reasonable request, not sure I can.

A lot of the progress he’s seen as of late has been fueled by my looming escape plan. I figured it didn’t matter what came of whatever I said Or did because I wasn’t planning to stick around.

Charge head first into some of my hardest memories, yep, if it’s too hard I can always move up the time line. Answer questions I usually avoid same answer. Disconnect from feelings yep, no need to fight trying to get them back online.

If I’m completely honest it’s possible that I’ve been pushing forward in hopes of being pushed over the edge.

 

[Sideways]

I had a psychiatrist use that manoeuvre with me once. I didn't agree to the amount of time he proposed - it ended up being 6 months or something, slightly outside my comfort zone, but not so long as to be pointless.

I figured, at the time, what do I have to lose? And I could recognise that my pdoc had to be feeling pretty optimistic about his approach, because we both knew if I was worse at the end of the agreed period...

That's an element to SI that has, since, helped me continue on, many times. There is no urgency. No one can actually take the suicide option away from you completely.

And the thing about agreeing not to for now? Does give space to some of the therapy stuff to start working.

It's got to be your choice. You're in control in this recovery thing.