Triggered Yesterday

[Rumors]

Mace and a tazer gun... Personally I would go for a cattle shock prod so that I could give him a good jolt in the nuts from a distance, but a tazer gun would work too!

Just an opinion, but you simply have to stop thinking of yourself as disposable. You are not a napkin to be thrown away after a meal. If they require you to work late and be the last one, they need to ensure you a safe passage to your vehicle. You are worth more than that!!! I know it is hard, but value yourself and your own safety enough to ask for help. It sucks that he has destroyed your ability to see your value. Don't give him that power anymore! Hang in there!

 

[mytai]

@Rumors I wish a tazer was legal. Not sure on mace, I'm looking into the laws of it in my province. In the meantime I'm putting my keys between my fingers when I walk alone.

I nearly had a heart attack walking to my car to move it. But I made it safely, I didn't get hurt.

 

[Rumors]

You need something that can put distance between you and an attacker. You don't want to get close enough to use keys. Look into mace. It is a viable option. There are several things like that you may be able to use. In the meanwhile, please go chat with your boss. You are worth the conversation. ;)

 

[mytai]

@Rumors, I will make sure to look into the mace. My T has mentioned it a few times in our last two sessions, but I need to double check the laws. The last thing I need is to be charged myself because I used something illegal.

 

[Echo]

Years ago, when the company I was working for wouldn't provide for my safety, I said in passing that I would have to find another job then. Suddenly, my boss not only arranged for me to have that but also gave me a massive pay rise. I was a bit stunned, but in retrospect they must have heard me valuing myself and realised they must, too, if they were going to keep me. I've never done it again (although I now work for myself - and she's a tough boss), because I think I was afraid of wielding any kind of power. Unfortunately, when you've been on the rough end of power used against you, it feels abusive to you. But this kind of workplace bargaining is just the way of the world. Even if your uncle wasn't a threat to you, your workplace should be ensuring your safety.

 

[mytai]

Found my answer to whether I can purchase and carry mace or pepper spray. I can't. It's prohibited in Canada according to the Criminal Code of Canada. If I'm caught with it (or mainly use it) I can be charged with assault. There is a fine line on whether or not I would be charged if it was for self-defence, but I really don't want to find out the hard way. Basically I wouldn't be charged if it was considered legitimate self-defence, but I would be charged if they didn't consider it legitimate self-defence. To me it isn't worth the risk of being charged myself for trying to stop an attack.

 

[Echo]

I'm not really sure that such weapons really give people anything more than a false sense of security. A can of hair spray or something similar like foaming bath cleaner or indelible ink may work and not immediately be thought of as a weapon, but they can so easily be knocked out of your hands and be used against you.

It is the same in the UK; we are not allowed to carry anything around with us that might be used/construed as a weapon. I lived in Leeds at the time of the Yorkshire Ripper and terrified women were getting charged for possession of all sorts of things - utterly frustrating. It seemed we weren't allowed to protect ourselves at all.

But @mytai, you just shouldn't have to be having conversations like this. It is high time there was an end to this for you and you had some peace. How are you coping with it all??

 

[mytai]

@Echo, I'm not really coping well at all. I'm not self-harming, but I am not doing well with my eating habits. I'm over-exercising and not eating enough, I know this, but I feel helpless to stop it right now. My anxiety is ridiculous, I actually feel like everyone can see it on me now. I've been too afraid to call the police to get an update, but I really need to call tomorrow or before I see my T Thursday. I've been having nightmares that aren't typical for me, again with the abortion theme, violence, being beaten up... I've never really had an issue with anger, but I have the last few days.

 

[Echo]

Hi Mytai - I don't really understand why the police are not keeping you updated, and I don't know whether you would automatically be told if they'd actually done any investigating. I think you were told (am I right?) that they would inform you prior to contacting your uncle, though something evidently went wrong there, didn't it? I suppose it would be better to think you're going to feel at least somewhat disappointed in them, but living with that level of fear and what it does to your system is just not viable. I wonder if it would be best to contact them only shortly before you see your therapist in case you get a bad reaction to what they say.

Do you feel your uncle is still around? You just knew it recently, didn't you? I'm finding my intuition spot on at the moment, particularly where sources of emotional upset (people) are concerned. I guess it is the super-honed hyperalert state that we had to develop. I've just had a day when it switched off, and I felt much calmer, though I feel it a little further away from me and approaching again, so I know I am not out of the woods. But your uncle is far more dangerous. Can you differentiate that sense from other parts of your fear?

 

[mytai]

@Echo, I was told last time when the investigation was done, but that was during an interview at the station. I don't know if they would tell me before they contacted him this time, they didn't say they would. I think you're right, I should wait to contact them before I go see my T, just in case I don't handle whatever they tell me well.

I don't know if he still is or not, I feel the need to be very careful and alert, but I can't differentiate that between feeling like he's around. I can't separate that feeling from my fears right now, it's very muddled again.

 

[Echo]

I had a day last week when I had four invasive shocks happen from different sources all in the space of 1 or 2 hours. I'm still trying to work out what it all meant to me. Apart from the flashbacks to a rape and seeing my rapist walking around my current flat with lots of other images from that past location, I had 2 exs contact me almost at the same time (one of whom seems to have been checking me out online from a sex shop - sigh!). Anyway, the detail doesn't really matter, but I know I have completely lost my centre; I can't ground myself; I feel like I've shattered and dispersed on the wind. I don't know who I am and what I am for any more. It is essentially a loss of identity really, and there is so much fear and horror associated with it all, and a real sense that I am not up to protecting myself at all. Not only that I am too weak but that I lack the support from others. It helped a little to see my therapist and then a friend picked up that she should call (she is amazing, I think), and that really helped for a time. It really does leave you feeling vulnerable, doesn't it just on the level of the emotions? Like you can barely trust your own capacity to survive. And on top of that you have been physically assaulted recently (which I am lucky enough not to have to deal with at present). Do you have ways of bringing your splintered self back together that work for you? I'm wondering whether if I can regroup a bit more, then I can trust my intuition to protect me better.

It was interesting to me that Chelsea knew when you felt uncomfortable with that man the other day, and she barked. Could she be your litmus test, your ultimate weapon and come to work with you?! I know I have been watching my smaller cat for signs, because he is so sensitive (not that he would be any use in a moment of danger!), but animals do have heightened senses, don't they?

 

[mytai]

@Echo, Chelsea used to be allowed to come to work with me on the weekends only, but someone in another office complained that a dog was in the building (she never barked inside or made a mess). So sadly that is no longer an option.

Not sure how to pull the pieces back together. I'm lucky if I could find them all.