Triggered Yet Again

[mytai]

I kind of disappeared from here for a while. This is my most recent post on here, kind of important to what I'm about to post because it factors in greatly to the overwhelm. Without rehashing the whole post again, here is a link to the original: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/extremely-triggered.45789/#post-733496

July 4 was a very rough day for me, and it re-triggered me into a suicidal state. I've been coping with the help of my T, social worker, and nurse practitioner. The nurse practitioner put me on imovane for sleep because I just couldn't sleep at all after the July 4th incident. The sleep issue is now fixed with the imovane. The social worker texts me between appointments to check in with me and provide a supportive word here and there.

Last Friday I found out that a friend of mine had committed suicide earlier in the week. I saw his obituary and then contacted a few people to find out what happened, and well, it was suicide. I know it isn't about me, it's about him and his family, but I can't help but feel such an intense guilt for not knowing he was struggling. I of all people should have seen the signs, after all I did attempt suicide earlier this year myself. But I didn't see any signs, I thought he was fine, busy, happy, working hard at school... suicidal never even crept into my mind as a possibility for him.

I don't know why he chose to take his life, what he was secretly dealing with, frankly it really isn't any of my business if he chose not to share it with me. It doesn't stop me from wondering, it doesn't stop hurting any less, and it doesn't make me wish I could join him any less. I missed his funeral because I was working. I have told my T, and the social worker. It has really triggered my suicidal thoughts.

I didn't get to see my T this week because she was moving into her new place this week, but I see her on Tuesday at her new house/office. I have needed to ask her for a hug for the last three sessions we've had but I haven't for one reason or another, this week I really need it though. I really need a hug from someone who is safe. So much has happened in such a short period of time that I just need a hug from a safe person.

The closer the August 25th court date comes, the more stressed and emotional I become, and I don't even attend this court date for the July 4th incident. Plus a few anniversaries are coming up and that has me on edge too. A lot is happening right now and I'm not sure I know how to handle it. Doing my best by keeping up with appointments and seeing the social worker again in addition to my T.

 

[Running to music]

July 4 was a very rough day for me, and it re-triggered me into a suicidal state. I've been coping with the help of my T, social worker, and nurse practitioner. The nurse practitioner put me on imovane for sleep because I just couldn't sleep at all after the July 4th incident. The sleep issue is now fixed with the imovane. The social worker texts me between appointments to check in with me and provide a supportive word here and there.

Last Friday I found out that a friend of mine had committed suicide earlier in the week. It has really triggered my suicidal thoughts.

I am so sorry for your loss. I understand how your own thoughts are triggered by the loss of a friend to suicide.

I too lost a friend to suicide about 2 years ago & sometimes just the thought of it triggers me too.

It helps me to remember that just because they made that choice doesn't mean that I have too or will follow suite.

Please continue to accept all the support from others that you can. I am glad that your social worker is checking in on you. Be open with your T about needing that hug from a safe person. I offer you one from far away (((((HUG)))))) and please know you are not alone in this struggle.

 

[ButterflyBean]

I need a hug too… so I know Exactly what you mean! The only difference is that my T isn't around right now, so I don't have a safe person to hug, PM. me if/when you feel up to it. Hugs if you will accept them! :hug:

 

[scout86]

Glad you're back, I've been wondering how you were doing!

I can appreciate all the stressors you're dealing with and I'm glad you've got good support available and that you're making use of it. (Makes me worry a little less! LOL)

I've had a couple of good friends commit suicide, most recently this past Mar. That friend was very close. My "adopted brother", in fact. We talked about all kinds of stuff, including suicide. He was totally opposed to it. I knew he was having a rough time. We had talked about that. I thought he wouldn't kill himself because he was so sure it was "Wrong"........ I was wrong, obviously. One of the things I asked myself was "Why didn't he say anything?" It took awhile, but I realized that he was trying really hard to talk himself IN to suicide, and I wouldn't have helped him, so, obviously, he wasn't going to talk to ME about it. I would have done everything I could to convince him that the world would NOT be a better place without him (and it isn't), so of course he wasn't going to talk to me. The last people he talked to were nice, and loved him, but are kind of naive and wouldn't have recognized a red flag if you'd beat them over the head with it. So, of course it never occurred to them what he was up to. Maybe your friend had similar thoughts. Maybe he thought you had more than enough on your plate without him adding too it. (And you kind of do.) There's no way to know.

I have a lot of questions in my mind about why am I here and those guys aren't. It's not right, it's not fair..... I don't think either of them would want me to join them, though I like to think that, even though they lost the battle with their demons, the best thing I can do is keep fighting mine, hoping to "win" for them too, somehow. I don't know, @mytai ! It's a bad deal, for sure. Hang in there, though, because the world would NOT be a better place without you.