Triggers And Disturbing Thoughts

[bright_morning]

Anyone else deal with intrusive and disturbing thoughts? Lately I have them all day long. They aren't memories, but more like fears of losing control and doing something violent, or of random bad things happening to me, to my wife, or to our baby that is on the way.

I also can't seem to think clearly a lot lately. I forget things, and also feel very dissociated from where I am sometimes, like life is not quite happening for real or I am in some other dimension for a few minutes... distant from myself.

The thoughts are so scary sometimes they make me cry for hours.

This morning I noticed that some construction sounds outside our building, specifically the sound of a hammer banging away were making me exceedingly nervous and fearful.

I feel like I am going crazy, but I know that I am not on some level.

This is all very exhausting.

 

[cate1980]

Hi Bright Morning,

you will find a lot of people here who understand exactly what you mean, and can empathise with what you are going through. It is very scary and confusing, and feels a bit like going silently mad at times....but take comfort in the fact that it isn't you going mad - it's a normal stress reaction to abnormal stressful experiences. I don't know if you've done much reading on PTSD, but I am just starting to find more and more info and the more I learn about the condition the more it all makes sense to me and helps me understand why these symptoms happen...and that for me is the beginning of not feeling like I am mad. Not sure of your personal experiences, but there are great books out there dealing with specific types of trauma (some listed on here) and Anthony's info is really enlightening too. Please don't think you are going mad, I know it feels like it ometimes, but you're not. Lots of love and best wishes to you. I hope the forum helps you find support and strength to heal. x

 

[bright_morning]

Thanks Cate,

Its bad right now. I keep getting flashes in my vision and I feel the strangest sensations, like my nose is bleeding. I am dealing with all of this from being a survivor of gang violence. I just feel so unsafe right now. This is all very new to me, as the event in question happened so long ago. I am not sure I understand why it is all hitting me so many years later.

 

[anni]

Hi Bright Morning,

Maybe you had some symptoms earlier and discounted them as something else like a lot of us? Having a bad memory or feeling stressed, etc. I know I could always write off as being caused by something else like work or school or whatever, even when it was extreme.That is only me, though and everyone is different so don't feel like you have to be like anyone else you read about. I know I'd had the inclination to 'tough it out', so personally let the whole thing get to where I also was feeling just incredibly awful mentally, emotionally and physically.

At the very least you're not alone, and I hope that is a little helpful. I know for me just knowing some facts was and is comforting, so if you have the energy it is a nice thing to be able to look around at the articles and notes they offer here in the forum.Feeling like I didn't understand anything that was happening made all the symptoms even worse to deal with, so maybe just knowing some facts would be a little helpful for you, also.

It's safe here, too, which makes it easy for people who are reactive in all kinds of ways to come here. Since there are sufferer's in many stages of healing you can find threads to relate to something you're perhaps going through at the moment. I don't know why being able to see that others feel exactly the same is so reassuring, but it is to me, anyway.I'm having a day of not feeling safe, and am here to start the re-group to get going for the day. Like I said, everyone is different, but you sound so much like you're looking for answers and some peace that I wanted to let you know that even though we can all only say from our own perspective, being here is a positive, safe, healing experience.

Please don't think me too personal if I add that I really like your user name, because it sounds so hopeful, sort of like the title of a cheerful song or poem.

Take care,

Anni

 

[bright_morning]

Thanks Anni. No I don't think the comment too personal on the user name. Its insightful on your part since I make electronic music for a living and "bright_morning" is a new project I recently started for a certain style. So in a very real way its related to a song.

Thanks for the encouragement. I have been given over to despair a lot the last few days due to the intensity of the symptoms. I have hardly even remembered to pray or talk to God, which is very unlike me, even in the worst of times. I am glad there are other people out there who can relate, even if I wouldn't wish this on my enemies (well maybe the people who caused it could do with a good dose of terror, but I'd probably still feel bad if they had it.)

This forum is weird, in that it is comforting to know others who suffer so, yet its disturbing to realize how many people have had to stare in the face of evil and lived to tell the tale.

Anyway, thanks again.