Triggers In Teaching, Trauma Makes Me Good At Teaching

[Digz]

I came home from work today anxious yet again due to a trigger. I suffered abuse as a child and I am a teacher of young children. It's like a double-edged sword, working in the area I do.
Because I understand children well and children from difficult backgrounds, it allows me to be pretty good at my job and manage children with difficult behaviour well.
But because of my past, when I have a child like I did today, that punched themselves in the face... anxiety and triggers are activated. I understood what was happening better than my superiors and the gravity of it, and the links to child care and welfare. But it takes its toll on me.
I'm confused by my job. I love it a lot of the time. I love helping kids and teaching them, and that part's healthy for me and the little child inside of me that had a crappy life.
But this other stuff - I don't know. I'm not in the position to change professions now, but sometimes I think... should I be trying another profession that doesn't trigger child-related stuff? But then, will I like that other profession as much or find it as rewarding.
I'm pretty confused, I guess, as to what is best for me professionally as I go forward.

 

[Changing4Best]

My niece has PTSD and she also is a teacher. For her, it is not a problem. She too was abused by her mother (my sister) as a child. She loves her work and has never mentioned getting triggered at school to me, but it may have happened. I don't know.

One thing I do know though, is that there probably are other triggers with almost any profession that you might choose. They would probably not be the triggers you are being accosted with now, but others. So my advice is to stay with the job you are trained to do, that you are doing well. I'd also advise you to look at a different side of the issue. Instead of being concerned with your triggers, look at the good you can do as one who can be well aware of abuse signs and take the precautions for the child as your way of fighting back against child abuse. Make it a mission. When you help an abused child to be rescued, let your little one inside of you be rescued too!

Also, do you know grounding techniques? Try to remind yourself to ground, if you feel triggered at all. I know it is the hardest thing to remember when a trigger occurs, but remind yourself you are doing this for the child, and your inner child as well. I hope this helps.

 

[darrenS]

I feel for you Digz, its obvious you have a considerable amount of caring and compassion to do the job you do. I worked with adult heroin addicts for 7 years as a paid position. They were hard core addicts who had been through every system imaginable and were usually aged in their mid thirites to mid forties , many had used for 20 years or more, and most had a complete plethora of issues. Many serious. I done the job as a way to give back and for the first few years i really loved the job, it was a unique position whereas i was allowed to developed program, that were outside the box so to speak.

I would take groups camping and conduct groups on the beach and what not , i would hire a boat and take them fishing whilst at the same time conducting therapy sessions, it was very unique and i developed a very good reputation. As time wore on, i was fronted with some pretty serious stuff, i was not allowed to pick and choose in some cases and was fronted with some very serious people. Sociopaths, Sex offenders and what not.

This in turn started to reawaken some of my traumas , i felt i was ok and soldiered on, i had support in the way of therapy supervision and as i worked with a multi disciplinary team, had full access to psychiatrists, psychologist and what not. I too started questioning whether i should continue , and strangely was fearful of moving onto a new job, so i stayed - the angst worsened and being fronted daily with some serious bad people , started taking its toll on me. Eventually i fell apart and had to leave the job for my own health and safety.

Listen to that voice , seriously , in the helping professions like the job you have , eventually you do burn out , a person can only take so much and your internal resources are not infinite, emotional burn out is serious and insidious, it doesnt hit you like a house brick , but more like each day a brick is removed and your wall is weakened .

If you choose to stay , i would look at any internal resources that may be available , can you get supervisory therapy , where as it all centers on your job and the feelings and issues it brings out, it can be a great source of relief and will help in keeping things focused and in check.

Is there any support resources available that your peers know about. The more we let it go , the more at risk and unhealthy we become, one of the first things i ask any therapist is what they do to look after themselves, i actually ask them if they do receive supervision, because if they are not looking after themselves, they will not be able to provide healthy direction and advice.

I hope you find a balance and good support when things are tough....good luck

 

[garden]

@Digz I subbed for a year for one specific shcool at the elementary school level as a way to see if I could handle the potential stress and triggers. I liked the idea of working for one school because I really got to know the students, and it felt safe and familiar. I loved teaching the children, and being around them, but I did find myself being triggered by some of the things that I saw. It is a very demanding job, and I don't think most people realize that. It's even more demanding when you already have a diminished tolerance for stress, so having a well organized classroom with good management technique is crucial, but may not actually be enough to keep you grounded and operating at your optimum levels.

I was bullied throughout school by students mostly, but my 4th grade teacher made me the classroom scapegoat, so the bullies had a great time with that. I still have dreams about Mrs. Leonard every now and then. I had a miserable home life, and having her verbally abuse and humiliate me daily only made me more suicidal.

I found that my experiences made it so that I could spot things that other teachers did not notice. For example, a student that showed signs of withdrawal (not interacting with others, mopey, quieter than usual, etc) where there were no signs before was often overlooked by a busy teacher (or the teacher attributes that behavior to something else, eg. defiance) but I knew that something in that childs life was off...and every time I had that sort of hunch I eventually found out that I was right (sadly). I could offer that student a comforting smile, and try to engage him/her somehow, but the rest was out of my reach because there are boundaries that can't be crossed. I find that teaching adults is far less challenging as none of my childhood issues ever came up.

If you are able to stay grounded, and not bring it home, you will be an asset to the teaching community, and you will positively impact many children. It's a matter of figuring out if you can manage/tolerate the kind of stress/triggering that may come your way. I had it in my mind the idea that if I'm triggered I would channel the energy in a way that would be proactive for the children, but I never figured out how to do that. Instead, I held it together until I got off work, and then I came undone.

 

[Friday]

I'm in a similar position, @Digz. The work I do best is where I picked up PTSD to begin with. I've tried many different things over the years, but they keep coming back to this same kind of work (after different fashions) is where I'm both happiest, and do my best. Whole lot of cognitive dissonance trying to figure out what's right, much less best in this position.

 

[Digz]

Thanks guys, I appreciate your stories and advice.
It is a confusing one. I do find I notice more things within children relating to welfare, that other teachers may not. I find I'm quite good at managing challenging children. I really like helping and working with kids - but those triggers really suck. I do do my grounding techniques etc., but big triggers like children being abused are pretty hard to calm from.
I don't know what I will do still - but your words have given me lots to consider. My husband is currently re-training, so perhaps I'll just try and hold out until he has finished and consider working part-time instead of full-time. Maybe that will help balance things out better and deal with triggers better.

 

[shrinkingviolet]

You sound like a very compassionate and supportive teacher. It is wonderful that you recognize things in kids that your peers may not and I am sure your students benefit tremendously. With that being said, you have to do what is best for you. I chose a profession working with victims. Most of the time I can separate, using my professional approach and training.....but I am human and sometimes it is simply too much. I love my job and want to continue with it but I know that I am more sensitive to certain cases because of my history.

 

[Digz]

Thanks @shrinkingviolet. It's a bit of a double-edged sword sometimes - being good at something that also triggers you sometimes!

 

[VioletButterfly]

My two cents - I worked with abused children and at first didn't even know I was being triggered. Eventually, I did realize what was going on, and struggled a great deal with whether to stay or go from my position. Now, a few months out, I know that I made the right decision for me. As darrens noted above: "Listen to that voice..." If you are sensing that the cost is too great to you, personally, then perhaps a job in another field where you can help that won't put you in such close proximity to triggers but will still help children in the long run might work for you. Hoping the best for you. Take care. VB

 

[ihateusernames]

I taught elementary school out of college and I didn't even last a year. I could not handle it. I didn't spend a moment not worrying about my kids and imagining all sort of horrible stuff and having nightmares about them. I saw problems in some of their lives and I HAD to fix them, but I couldn't. They weren't my children. I was a wreck in every imaginable way. After my last day I sat at the park for hours, numb before relief finally washed over me and I felt like I could breathe for the first time in many months.

It didn't make sense to me because I loved my kids, they loved me, and I'm actually a good teacher. I felt like such a sissy and a failure. It took my own child being born and bringing all of that back up and my recent complete break down over it to realize what was happening to me now is the same thing that was happening then.

I applaud you for what you are doing and if you are able to work through those difficult times I know that you will be invaluable to those kids, but if you have to go- go. You have to take care of you first. There are plenty of awesome teachers out there who don't have to deal with this stuff. It doesn't have to be you.