'Trouble with relationships'

[Divine]

Im exhausted and sad and I've been fighting this CPTSD for years and so many therapists refuse to work with me within a framework of recovery and at 30 I just feel exhausted and devastated. I feel like my abuser has won, I can't keep a relationship, my mother and I aren't even talking and therapists won't even talk about resolving the CPTSD. I've tried EDMR, I've tried talking therapies. I'm currently having to make an NHS complaint because of malpractice with the therapist I was meant to be seeing So I'm without therapy again and I'm just sick and exhausted of being treated like I'm too sick/ broken to repair, to love.

 

[JRRTG]

Im exhausted and sad and I've been fighting this CPTSD for years and so many therapists refuse to work with me within a framework of recovery and at 30 I just feel exhausted and devastated. I feel like my abuser has won, I can't keep a relationship, my mother and I aren't even talking and therapists won't even talk about resolving the CPTSD. I've tried EDMR, I've tried talking therapies. I'm currently having to make an NHS complaint because of malpractice with the therapist I was meant to be seeing So I'm without therapy again and I'm just sick and exhausted of being treated like I'm too sick/ broken to repair, to love.

Hi there. I read your post and word for word is the exact same position as me. I’m also the same age, Interestingly.

I’ve had therapy for a long time, nobody of which has really helped me, until I found my most recent therapist, who wasn’t a trauma specialist, but she was best therapist I have ever had, we had a solid relationship, and her support was fantastic for me, and I finally was making progress. This lady was initially through the NHS, and I continued to pay for sessions after the funded sessions stopped. However, the charity she worked for, felt I needed to be assessed by the community mental health team, because my issues are, well, complex. That really hurt but I did get referred to CMHT , had my assessment , they said they would help etc, however the lady who assessed me (was so not trauma focused at all), felt I wasn’t complex enough (give me a break) and referred me to a local charity who had trainee psycho therapists - no chance in hell I’m working with a trainee. I haven’t been discharged my CMHT, but I wrote a formal complaint and now the clinical lead has taken my case and is calling me on Monday. I’ve been passed from person to person, told I’m too complex, but then not complex enough. All the rejection has really took its toll on me and I do wonder, when do I stop trying.

My problem is, I’m very high functioning, so nobody believes I’m struggling. I struggle to show weakness, to show emotion, unless behind closed doors.

I too, am not capable of relationships, namely intimate relationships. It is by no means negative, but I honestly wonder if I am capable of them. As soon as people come near me, my fear spikes and I just can’t. But it is not helped by so called caring professionals, who train to help people like us, also rejecting me. So I had to stop trying for a while because it in itself, was triggering such negative emotions.

But, nevertheless, It has really pushed me to focus more on me. My self care is great, I take time for myself (as much as I can), I eat well, sleep well. I try so very hard every day to focus on what I have; my own home, car, wonderful son, great job, great education. That’s all I can do right now.

I don’t know what to suggest, other than to really try focus on you as much is possible.

Have you tried private therapy? Any specialist treatment centres near you; trauma centres, charities?
Just know, you aren’t alone in feeling this way.

 

[Divine]

Hey thanks for writing. At the moment what I have is a lot of instability, I'm a free lance artist renting, living with a friend. I try so hard to date, I've had times when I date obsessively but I've kicked that, I also am so much better at recognising red flags and normal behaviour and knowing when to listen to my intuitions. But I'm still suck like this I had to go Private whilst waiting over a year to be seen by the Tavistock who won't let me see another therapist whilst I'm waiting to be seen so I just have to hide it. I was outted earlier in the year for seeing another therapist the private T outed me as suicidal. I've seen about 6 therapists in the past 12 months- I'm exhausted, breaking down at least once a month and loosing days each week where I can't work and professionals keep telling me I should apply for PIP instead of engaging with trying to help me recover. It seems that so many therapsts don't wanna work with CPTSD dispite listing it on their keywords. It seems that I am too 'complex' and too much in 'crisis' for anyone to take my case seriously Im exhausted from having to be expected to be the person to resolves everything.

 

[Survivor3]

Hi @Divine, I have a diagnosis of recurrent depression and a history of complex trauma. The NHS wouldn't treat me. I applied to IAPT 4 times, they are terrible. I pay for private counselling and he is fantastic. It doesn't matter what I say or throw at him, he always helps me. They charge me a reduced rate bcos I'm a long term client. You should apply for PIP to help you financially, you have to say and write down what your like at your absolute worst.

 

[LaurLee]

oh my god, I find that incredibly disheartening for you all to be treated that way by mental health professionals. I am in Ireland and to get therapy you have to pay for it yourself, there are voluntary services but the waiting lists are lengthy. I have not been told those things, but I have felt that I am hard to work with. Only because defense mechanisms are so strong and happen before I am even aware of it, it makes recovery very difficult. My therapist is trying to get me to sit with feelings and sensations, and just be. she said something recently that stopped me in my tracks, something about its ok to just show up, you don't need to earn it and prove yourself. I hope that you get the support you need without feeling stigmatized and hard to handle. Recovery from CPTSD is so complex and any mental health professional who labels you complicated knowing what they know are very insensitive. Do not give up, and stay true to you recovery. All the best xx

 

[Divine]

Thank you Laurlee and Survior x Much appreciated

 

[sleeveheart]

Hey, similar position here (and age).

It's definitely very challenging. Sometimes I feel like I want to have 3 cats and call it a day.
It always feels easier to hide in an emotional bunker after all you've been through.
Not only are intimate relationships challenging in itself, but adding layers of trauma and your body reacting in ways out of your own control, of course it's even harder. It feels embarrassing and shameful, and I do get scared (all the time!) of the other person seeing those parts of me.

Maybe it's because I'm greedy (or ambitious), but I think it's worth trying to get something so wonderful as at truly intimate relationship.
I'm seeing now that there are no guarantees in life. But there's nothing wrong with wanting something. And there's also nothing wrong with having a little faith to get you started. It's human to desire things.

Does that mean it's going to be easy? No. There's always that thing that makes it harder (texting, dating apps, dating culture, etc.). It's not entirely on you as to why this is so hard. It just is, even for people who don't have cPTSD.

So, please be gentle on yourself. For wanting an intimate partnership, and for how difficult it is.

Have a good day~

 

[Athill]

Yeah, I am big time afraid of ending up like my father. My mother was mentally ill and violent and abusive, and she slowly destroyed him, and beat the rest of us, among other things. Intimacy triggers feelings of vulnerability (and of course, to be intimate you have to be vulnerable), so I want to run away. I can always find reasons to pull the ripcord that are legitimate. I'm a good argue-er. Only my best friend can call me on it. Why not just stick with this relationship a little while longer? It's going okay right now, right? Who cares if one day it isn't. If it stops going well and you need to move on, that's okay. You're not a bad person for wanting to do that. And if it keeps going and going, that's great too!

She's disgustingly wise, though I like to think I help her with problems she has, that don't trip my brain.

One thing I'm trying super hard to do is to just sit with dark feelings, and fears, because they go beyond my relationships. I'll never heal if I keep running away from them.