True Strength Is...

[idiosyncratic]

... being able to hold it together while everyone else is expecting you to fall apart.

For the people that know about my "situation", I've always been told that I am strong because I survived all the crap I went through. "You've been through so much and you are still standing, you are a very strong person". (I assume that a lot of you on here have been told the same or similar thing also.) Yet, I don't feel strong at all. I went through what I went through and did what I did at the time because, well, it was just what I did.

Never in any moment of what I was going through did I once think I was strong. In fact, I feel like the weakest person. I'm depressed and anxious all the time, and gosh, do I feel so hopeless. I feel like a coward because I'm too afraid to end it all (and too guilty also). I feel like a fake because all I do is put up a happy front so people don't see how sad I am. I go through life pretending to be okay when I have no idea what the heck I am doing and feel like I'm the dumbest person in the world that can't even make a simple decision without feeling overwhelmed. The only place I find myself being myself is in therapy and that's 45 mins - an hour once a week.. and at least half of the time I spend crying. How is this strength? I feel like I'm falling apart...

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, not very helpful but I think they don't know what they're talking about. It's a convenient way to avoid the whole reality of the fall-out, I think. Kind of the emotional equivalent of hoping someone can start running again, though their leg is broken. But maybe due to fear, not understanding, no solution, keeping it invisible, wanting to return to the roles & ways things always were? I don't know.

Welcome to you though. :)

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I got really tired of people telling me I was strong. My therapist used to tell me that all the time and I would argue. Finally I agreed that it could be strength. But what took real strength for me was to admit that I was falling apart. It took more strength to tell myself I could stay home for a day when I didn't feel emotionally well enough to go in to work. I call this a different kind of strong.

I also want to say that you can't possibly be the dumbest person in the world because you can't make simple decisions without being overwhelmed. Every time I get gelato or ice cream I panic until I remember I am just deciding on what flavor to eat and it's for me so I will like it! Makes you feel stupid though, I get that.

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

I feel like I could have written your post. You are definitely not alone. I know that doesn't really help much. I hope you find, however, that there are people here who can support you and understand what you are going through. Welcome.

 

[risingsun]

I'm the dumbest person in the world that can't even make a simple decision without feeling overwhelmed.

I get like that too idiosyncratic. I get extremely overwhelmed paying a bill, making a phone call, going to the store, etc. You are not a coward. You made it this far, didn't you? You have not given up because you are still trying. Do not feel hopeless. You have hung on this far. You are doing it. Unfortunately, there are far too many that do give up but you are not one of those people.

As for the strength part: There are so many times in our lives where bad things happen and we ask "Why?" Things happened to me and looking back I think, "had i not gone through that, I would never have been able to deal with this." Certain experiences serve as a foundation in a sense.

Everything happens for a reason. The strength we gain may be to gain emotional intelligence that cannot be learned in books, the kind of intelligence other people who have not gone through such emotions yearn to understand (the meaning of suffering, of compassion). The strength we gain may be to help others understand or it may serve to thrust us forward toward being stronger in our own lives - to help us withstand other situations. The strength for you may not be realized just yet. But do not give up. I promise you, you will find the meaning sooner or later of why you went through what you did and what it has done for you, what it is doing for you, or what it will do for you in your life. Be patient.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I sometimes feel like the most emotionally handicapped person because the smallest tasks overwhelm me. But I have to remember, as you do too, that we are all in process. Nothing is permanent. You will find your recovery. You will not be so depressed and anxious forever. Recovery is waiting for you and so are your answers. You may not want to hear this again but you are stronger than you know. The meaning of that will come to you. Warmest to you. My prayers are with you, Rising Sun.

P.S. Don't beat yourself up over tears. To cry is to have great strength, the strength to release it from yourself versus holding it all in and not being able to face it. You are facing it head on.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Strength isn't about being able to hold it all together and put on a happy face. I'd actually say that's a sign of fear and weakness because you're terrified to confront your issues and prefer to live in denial. I have seen it over and over and over again.....people thinking they are soooo strong because they can put up that rock-solid façade. The truly strong people are those who aren't afraid to say "hey, I'm not perfect, I've got issues, and YES, I'm working on them!" But sadly, these types of people are few and far between.

 

[idiosyncratic]

Thank you all for the comments.

I was definitely at a low when I posted. Unfortunately I'm still at a low and any little thing will make me burst into tears but... I'm off the edge (for now).

I agree that some people say "you're strong" to avoid the conversation.. silencing the uncomfortable but very real issue, but hey, they won't have to deal with it. I've also heard others say that there is strength in admitting that you need help. I guess that's the type of strength that you are talking about, JEKBreatheandBelieve. I have admitted to myself and to my T that I'm falling apart, yet somehow I just won't give myself a break. It's definitely my stubbornness, but I think it's also in that stubbornness that I'm not willing to give in, just yet, to my demons.

I'm really hoping that this all means something, that I can actually use this to help other people, but.. I'm so far from being able to help others when I'm in utter turmoil. My depression, anxiety and ptsd feel like a death sentence.

It is fear that keeps my façade going. My façade is definitely not rock-solid, in fact, it's cracking. It's fear that people will judge me because unfortunately we still live in a world that is not so tolerant of people with mental health issues. I've been judge many many times and so I've kept my "crazy" to myself, which is tough. I also keep my façade because I don't want to worry my friends and especially my family. I find it like a burden that I want to keep to myself (although, as I mentioned, my façade is definitely cracking). I'm not in denial of my issues... I HAVE issues! I just don't want to load them onto other people cause it is a heavy burden to carry.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I've also heard others say that there is strength in admitting that you need help. I guess that's the type of strength that you are talking about, JEKBreatheandBelieve. I have admitted to myself and to my T that I'm falling apart, yet somehow I just won't give myself a break. It's definitely my stubbornness, but I think it's also in that stubbornness that I'm not willing to give in, just yet, to my demons.

Yes, this is what I meant. I fought it for quite sometime. I did not want to admit that I needed help and that I was struggling. But struggling against that did not help me at all. I just kept spiraling downward until I was completely lost and had to face the fact that I need help. Things have been getting better little by little since that. I still struggle to be this kind of strong. I want to be "normal", but I am learning to take care of me.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have had a lot of people tell me how strong I am for surviving and getting the help I need. I have finally come to a place in my life where I do believe I am a strong person in spite of my many weaknesses. Have hope in your future.