Trust: How Much Do You Tell Your Partner About What Is Going On?

[Jestadud]

I don't have a carer but I have a wife.
I have never been able to understand enough about what has been happening to explain it to an "outsider"!
If my wife has asked I have tried to explain what the treatment involved, but since the treatment has finished I find it near impossible to explain my moods or emotions, which means we row a lot.

 

[Ursa]

I think that how much to say will depend of how much she can take.

This limit is different for everyone. My husband for example does not take well about knowing details about how I got traumatized. On the other hand, the more close to you somebody is, the more they are part of what is happening to you in the present.

I personally think that hiding the situation in general is not going to preotect the partner. It might just being understood that you don't trust your partner enough to share that something is not doing OK. On the other hand it is really nice when you have someone you trust that can help you through the difficult moments.

 

[Hen]

I agree that telling her would be helpful. When I finally told my husband he was so relieved that I was getting help. He lived with this for 20 years and has been at his wits end at time. He's never asked detail but he cuddles me so much now. It helped him and me by me telling him. It wasn't easy - but it was worth it for us as a couple and for the family.

 

[shiraz]

Hi Robin,

How are things now after the little 'chat'? Have you been able to tell her a bit more yet?

Just checking in to see how it is going.

:Hug_emoticon:

 

[Robin]

Hey, Shiraz

Thanks for checking in!!

We talked quite allot that night and have been allot closer, and enjoyed the weekend together. It is like the chat lifted a dark cloud and we enjoying each others company again. Both listening a bit beter I think. I don't have much answers, but I feeling so much more positive at the moment.

She for the first time thinks its a good thing that I am seeing a psychologist, and although we don't seem to know what either of us are supposed to do, we are in it together.

I have taken some of the advise here and share as much as I can for now. But I am going to have to overcome some of my fear and talk to her more and try not shut her out when things are bad and get her really worried.

Work in progress, I guess (progress means moving forward, right!)

 

[shiraz]

Hey! that is great progress ... it take time to figure ourselves out and communicating it can be very difficult in my experience.

I have found that the more control I allow my partner, the better he deals with it and the safer he feels. This simply means allowing him to monitor me and following his suggestions (even when I don't feel that they are needed, they are usually helpful) - it gives him some way of knowing when I might not be functioning well and he can plan around that and not be blindsided by the PTSD .... hmmm .... the PTSD pretty much blindsides me too, so I guess we are both just feeling our way in the dark ... but the dark gets a bit lighter as we grow and journey together.

Take care and take courage.

 

[tah]

I too have not really divulged much to my husband. I tell him bits and pieces. He mostly knows of the abandonment issues I have with my mom and dad, but I haven't divulged much else of the molestation from my babysitter or the abuse from my step dad. I finally did a little because there are times where he will go to hug me or rub my shoulders and I just freak out and push him away. He has been getting mad thinking I want nothing to do with him. When I told him, he said he understood and wished I would have told him earlier. It wasn't really me telling him, but more like 20 questions from him and me answering. You think I would feel better telling him, but I feel worse. I am so embarrassed by it. I didn't want him to know.

This took me almost 7 years to tell him. I haven't told anyone else. He is the only one. He doesn't really understand why I still have issues not wanting to be intimate at times. He also doesn't get my anger. I am pushing him away more and more at times. The other day he said he was done with it all and couldn't handle me anymore. I completely freaked out. See, this is why through my life I had the philosiphy it is better not to say anything at all and just act like everything is fine than to tell how I am feeling. But then it just all explodes after bottling it for so long.

I keep asking him to help me. That if I seem to get overwhelmed and start getting frustrated to just hug me and tell me its ok. Sometimes I just need that reassurance. He hasn't gotten the hang of it yet. I know its a lot to ask of him to keep doing this, but I honestly don't know if I can keep it together without his help.

He has a lot of problems with his kids and ex and I know my crap is just one more burden for him, so most times I won't say anything to him when I am going through a "moment" or so I like to call it. So I usually will just isolate myself and try to keep away from everyone until I can get it together.

So I am very grateful I found this forum. I was thinking how medication would affect me at work or while trying to be a mom and was so adamantly against it. Now I see that without it or good therapy I am affecting those around me.

 

[macpayne]

This one is a tough one for me. I too have been with my partner for 8 years and I tend to keep things to myself and it's for a number of reasons. I don't want to burden him with my drama. I don't want him to loose his love for me. He is highly devoted to me for some reason and is a great man. I just have a hard time sharing, loving and trusting people. I believe someday everyone in my life will hurt me. I don't fully trust anyone but myself. I have alot to work on but can relate to those who tend not to share. Everyone has there reasons and one day I will be ready to be open and free. I'm just not there yet........