Trust

[Ellabella44]

Got Trust Issues? ;)

Why yes I do! and for only 19.95 and a pack of gum, you can too!!!

Sorry my instinctual response to asking if I actually trust anyone or anything id say honestly about feelings is to change conversation with a joke. I dont trust anyone outside of my therapist on how I feel about anything.

And yes this place is an exception because well I'm not alone and wont be thought of as weird or given a look of disgust because nobody can see me. Also what would be odd in "normal life" is normal and relatable here.

Still if I ever met anyone here that ive talked to before and been comfortable with, I'd be not trusting them, despite my knowing they are "good people" up here.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Humanity means people cannot be trusted they have their own agendas

Just FYI: Humanity...is not the same as humanism :hug:

"The humanities are the stories, the ideas, and the words that help us make sense of our lives and our world. ... By showing how others have lived and thought about life, the humanities help us decide what is important in our own lives and what we can do to make them better. By connecting us with other people, they point the way to answers about what is right or wrong, or what is true to our heritage and our history. The humanities help us address the challenges we face together in our families, our communities, and as a nation." http://www.units.miamioh.edu/technologyandhumanities/humanitiesdefinition.htm

 

[Ronin]

Why yes I do! and for only 19.95 and a pack of gum, you can too!!!

Why are your trust issues so expensive, I'd buy them five bucks tops.

... Right, we don't bargain about trust.
There goes another of my issues.

 

[Ellabella44]

@Cashew what? you think I earned these trust issues for free? It took years and several other unpleasant things.... 19.95 is a bargain, trust me... ;)

 

[Ronin]

All the good Ellabella, I'll sell them for 100 on the black market.

:sneaky::hilarious:

 

[Tinyflame]

Could we trade each other for wine, cheese, chocolate..? :) :hug:

I think I come-attached-with-my-trust-issues however? :eek: :(

 

[Enaila]

Trust? Love? Feelings? nope...not there yet. I am much too afraid and still struggling to recognize feelings as well as allow myself to feel. I do have an inner voice wanting to do so though, so there is still hope.

 

[mary1979]

Like everything in my life I have 2 extremes with not a lot in between.

One side of me trusts no one, for any reason ever, and is ready to pounce in attack, usually for no tangible reason.

The other thinks that everyone is to be trusted at all times regardless of how many times they've screwed me over, i give limitless chances and then still seem completely surprised when the inevitable happens.
(this me is a fantastic victim, and loves nothing more than to wallow in self blame)

The 2 seem dependant on how self destructive I'm feeling..

One day.maybe I'll learn about a middle ground
Ya.never know

 

[Tinyflame]

Wow, something strange occurred to me, maybe this isn't all about trust? I find it difficult to trust. But @FridayJones got me thinking maybe there are 2 or more things in play, not just trust or perspective, when she said:

I very literally trust nothing & no one, or trust everyone (same thing).

And I thought, @FridayJones , how is this the same? But then I thought of the times I never should have trusted when I did.. and I think it wasn't actually 'trust'.. not sure what it was, not naivete. Sometimes, maybe sympathy? Maybe 'my brain turned off'? I really don't know. But the one commonality was, each of the people turned out to be really seriously dangerous, whether it be socio-pathology, violent, predatory- whatever- I'm not a 'shrink', what the heck do I know? , but really worse-than-average.

The trauma experiences that each of us carry are different, and so have impacted not just our ability to trust, but also the ways that we define trust and what it might cost us to trust v's not trust.

I agree with this entirely, however I think the exception above (for myself) never includes that degree of awareness. Though it always eventually includes fear after-the-fact, in the circumstances with very untrustworthy/ dangerous people. And strangely though, I think the reason it's 'missed' initially is the people seem 'safe', or I'm thinking of their concerns (again, sympathy. It reminds me-ugh- Ted Bundy used to wear a cast like he broke his arm. :( ) It's like the person is capitalizing on the fact 'we' forget to check for trust, because we're thinking of them. (Not exactly the words I mean, but hope it makes sense? :( )

One day.maybe I'll learn about a middle ground

I hope so. I hope we all can. I think the aspects of trust that involve objects or factors outside of ourselves, are really variable to each person. I think vulnerability of our hearts/ emotions/ welfare are affected most by our past experiences , or rather in order to trust we have to be vulnerable & risk, too, but it can feel like 'impending doom' which is not how trust is supposed to be.

(JMHO)

 

[rightkindofme]

I probably trust too easily. I believe everyone has an agenda and that is a glorious thing. Let's put our agendas side by side so we can see where we have commonalities because those are the areas I want to work with you.

My therapist spends a lot of time being shocked at how extensive my friend-web is. I know hundreds of people all over the world and I keep in touch. I do a lot of keeping in touch through reading blogs (I've been blogging publicly, mostly under my real name for over 15 years) and writing to people. Text is my native language.

For me, telling people things about myself is my way of building trust with myself. It's not about the audience. I am creating a public narrative of who and what I am. I am loudly and clearly dictating my life goals and strategies for getting there. If I mess up, I have hundreds of people who say, "Hey Krissy. You're screwing up." It keeps me honest.

It's not always fun. But it works.

I went from being homeless and starving to being stable and fairly well off. I have talked about this process all the way. What resources I had available to help myself, what I had to offer other people in trade for skills I didn't possess.

I don't trust individual humans to meet my needs. I trust the web. I rarely say, "Hey so and so. Can you help me with x?" Instead I do a lot of saying, "I need help with _____. Do I know anyone who would like to help me with this?" If no one in my immediate web steps up... Sometimes I put up Craigslist ads and meet people that way.

A few months ago I felt like I desperately needed to talk to maternal figures about how to love yourself. None of my friends were available. I put up an ad. I talked to a whole bunch of women on the phone and had really wonderful conversations.

Then my web shifted and a neighbor randomly offered maternal care. And another elderly female neighbor started dropping by once a week. Then another old friend touched base and offered that same kind of advice.

I ask the universe to provide, not a person. Individuals can't live up to my expectations. The universe can.

It is scary and hard and sometimes I don't get what I want. But mostly... I get it sideways and in unexpected ways and it takes longer than I want... but I get it.

Now. It wasn't always like this. I have slowly learned how to access resources over the years.

I spent almost six months last year traveling alone with my small children. I trusted friends I hadn't seen in years with my kids. I trusted their stranger-to-me-families with my kids. I had to or I would have gone insane.

I have also gotten much better at just up and walking away from anyone who makes me feel uncomfortable. We had a couple of stops where I got heebie jeebies and we just up and left early. We hurt some feelings and I don't care. I didn't feel safe. Let's move on.

And we got through the whole trip without incident. We picked up hitch hikers. We stayed in strangers homes. We camped all over the place at free sites with no available help in an emergency. We went through some of the "so called" scariest cities in the whole country and we drove around slowly in our minivan with dozens of bumper stickers telling the story of our trip.

We talked to anyone and everyone. I talk to homeless people everywhere.

I trust people... maybe too much?

But I also have a nightmarish time of asking Person A if they will do something. That gives me panic attacks. I don't trust individual people. I trust the web.

It's weird?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

How do you trust?

I dont. I fully trust my therapist but that took yrs to build. I suppose its a very long time of showing me that you arent there, or wont purposely, hurt me. Like I trust you guys here in the forum with my most tightly held secerts. Yes, easier online but its trust nonetheless. Same, its built over time. Less time but still time.

So in a less long answer, its showing me that you arent going to hurt me on purpose over time. There you go. ;)

 

[ladee]

Perfect simple answer @lostforgottensoul !