Truth Will Set You Free But First It Turns You Inside Out.

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

I think this is correct, but I have no clue. Attempting to start my dairy.

The truth will set you free, but first it turns you inside out.

I'm avoiding most of my childhood, so this is most likely backwards from what I should be doing but it's the only place I know where to start from. It's the reason I sought out help. It's the reason I realized I have so much hurt and so many patterns I must break if I'll ever be free.

My husband and I decided it was time to have another baby, to continue to grow. But first because I had been working so hard and so often and had no time for myself, my partner came up with an idea to send me on a mommy retreat with my friend. My friend and I would go on a vacation to relax and come back. For me I'd then be ready to try for a baby and work my butt off for maternity leave. My friend and I decided to go to Mexico. We had a blast all week, very relaxing. We were more than aware that it could be dangerous for two young women to be travelling alone so we both agreed to stay on the resort. The last night that we were there I was approached by the manager of the entertainment side of the resort. He wanted us to attend a party outside of the resort. My friend and I, already drunk from the free drinks on the resort decided to decline because of our previous arrangement of not leaving the resort. In an attempt to be safe. Little did I know...

I told my friend that I would go and inform this guy that we were not coming with him. She said that she would meet me back in our room and we'd start packing for our flight the next morning. I won't lie, we were both trashed and I didn't think to ask her to stay with me. We felt so safe on the resort. Everyone told us that the resort was the safest place for us.

I walked up to him to politely explain that we were not coming out. At first he tried persuading Me. Which did not work. Than he said that because it was our last night here he wanted to show me something special so that it would be memorable. He offered to show me backstage of all of their productions and super awesome costumes. This is the moment that I was unbelieveably stupid, and drunk. And I know I should have known better. I get that this is stupid and I hate myself for it, I said yes.

I followed him to the stage and he walked into the side door. As soon as the door closed behind me, I knew I had made a mistake. I knew what he was going to do, and I'm stupid for not seeing it earlier. He locked the door and turned off the lights. I was frantically looking for somewhere I could run, somewhere I could escape. But I quickly realized that wasn't an option. He grabbed me and started kissing me, he was holding me so tightly I couldn't breath. I begged him to stop, I told him I wasn't on birth control because I was going to have a baby with my partner. I begged him not to do this, I told him I didn't want a baby with him. He told me to shut up, that he knew what he was doing and had done it before. There would be no baby's being made. That wasn't the point in all of this. I begged him. I pleaded with him. I told him a had a sexually transmitted disease (not true) .
None of this stopped him. He said he just wants to cum.....

I can't continue..... I can't, I just suck. I came back from Mexico completely different. I've damaged my relationship with my partner. I no longer see myself as someone who could have a second a baby.

It's time for me to hide away. Under the covers. Away from the world. Away from me. Sleep.

 

[Seasounds]

I'm very sorry for your unfortunate experience. move toward empowerment now, in your own way.

1. You are a good person, beginning and end, through and through. :)
2. The man has committed sexual assault; you said "no" in many different ways. This boundary of yours should always be respected whether you are sober or not.
3. To decrease the trauma impact of this, do your best to immediately re-establish and/or create new supportive relationships with friends, doctors, therapists, who will keep confidentiality.
4. If you want to remain annoymous, do call a Crisis Line.
5. Make an appt with a doctor who has been an ally, to report this.
6. Decide whether or not you want to contact this resort, or not, and file a complaint.
7. Know that the quicker you seek help the shorter the PTSD aftermath will affect you life.
8. You can have boundaries with your husband; there are other ways to pursue growth.
9. From what I know, telling your husband could add another layer of complexity on you. It could deepen or cause a rift. Share or not, in your own time. I am not saying be dishonest; I am saying bring up issues when you think it is best for you.
10. Bottom line, before the event did you want another child?
11. If yes, take your time. If not, you can say 'no' without having to give any other explanation other than that it doesn't seem right for you, now. Share the details later.
12. I know a self-defense class that is excellent in turning around sexual assault trauma: Google, Model Mugging. It is a very therapeutically-safe experience.
13. Thank for reaching out on this forum! Please keep us on your support list!:hug:

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

Wow thank you @Saetva!
That post really does cover everything. It seems to me that this forum is exactly what I've been missing in my recovery so far. The amount of understanding, compassion, advice is substantial in itself.

Although for me, what's struck me the most is I've forgotten how to connect to people because of what has happened to me. I'm seeing here that I can relate to people still and that in itself shows me I can connect, the possibility is there. To connect to someone not just in a superficial way. I needed to be shown this. Thank you again for your kind words. I've read a lot of posts from many kind people here. There is enlightenment in that.

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

After having an awesome work out last night I am feeling more grounded and would like to continue my experience.

From my previous post I'm sure it's evident that things went downhill from there. He tripped me and crushed me with his weight. I just remeber being scared I was going to pass out because I couldn't breath, I'm quite small and he had a huge advantage on me. When he started to pull down my pants and well you know, that's when I disappeared. I couldn't take it. I had quite a bit of practice at dissociating and although I didn't know this at the time, it came back to me like it was never missing. I stayed in that state for quite awhile until he must of thought I wasn't going fight anymore because he got off of me and helped me to my knees, he tried getting me to give him a blowjob. I don't know what or how or why but I instantly broke out of my dream like state and I couldn't bare to witness what he trying to make me do. I snapped. I no longer feared him in the sense of what he would do to me. I just broke. I didn't care if he hurt me. I stood up and started going crazy, I was yelling and hitting the air and screaming. I told him to leave me the f*** alone and that if he didn't I was going to fight and scream so loud someone had to hear me eventually and he would loose his job. I just couldn't stop myself. I threatened him. I'm sure I seemed pretty phycotic. You could tell I was unnerving him. At first he was mad at me but when I just continued to scream and throwing punches, He started to apologize and told me that he cared about me. He said before I left the hotel the next day I should come find him and give him a goodbye kiss. He told me that I wasn't allowed to follow him out, I had to wait there and count to 50 before I could go back to my room. He left me there in the dark. I counted to 50 and ran. I ran as fast as I could through the resort, past other employees, all the way until I got back to my room. As soon as I got inside, my friend was wondering where I was and I just couldn't be there. I crawled into bed and started to feel really bad for cheating on my husband, even though I didn't want any of it.

The next morning I woke up and became extremely anxious. I was so scared I was going to run into him. I couldn't bare to see him. I tried really hard to not let it bug me. I figured if I didn't tell anyone than it never happened. If I said it than it would make it real. Needless to say, my flight was delayed and we had to stay on the resort for another six hours. I was so scared that I started looking in every direction watching for him. I felt like I was high on a drug but hadn't taken anything. Hyper vigilant to the extreme. My friend noticed. And I told her what happened. she saw me breaking down more and more so she paid for a taxi to take us to the airport where we waited eight hours for our flight. We spent all of our money just trying to escape that we didn't have any money to buy food or water for the rest of the day. I just remember being so devistated.

My friend said that I could not keep it a secret, and to tell my parents when I felt it was appropriate. So on the car ride home after we finally got off of the airplane I told my parents. My father told me to let it be in the past and to not tell my husband. My mother supported this. It didn't look good for the family and therefor I should move past it, like it never happened. Once again, I was crushed.

Sorry this is so long, I've never really shared much of this with anyone except my therapist. This is only a minor trauma in the scheme of my life. But for me it's the trauma that brought me into therapy. It's the trauma that got the ball rolling. The straw that broke the camels back I guess. It's such a long post, I'm sure no one truly wants to read it all, but thank you for letting me share and getting it out there.

Wow it's hard to be vulnerable!!!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so very sorry that this has happened to you. I encourage you to contact a rape crises center once you are ready.

i also took the defense course Model Mugging and it changed my life for the better. You may consider doing this one once you are ready.

I also encourage you to report this guy to the resort and contact the Mexican Police but do not spend too much time alone Ok?

You need so much help and support at this time. My heart just breaks for you. You are innocent and a crime was commited against you, you are one hundred percent innocent and you did not cheat on your husband, you were sexually assaulted and it is not your fault.

I will be checking up on you to make sure that you are ok as much as you can be right now. My God I am so sorry this happened to you. I was also raped while under the influence and there was so much shame and false guilt. Saying prayers for you. Gentle hugs.

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

Thank you @gizmo,

You are so kind, I truly appreciate every word you said. Your post brought me to tears. It's been very difficult.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hang in there Dragonfly Dawn...I also think that with your parents, if I was you I would never again talk to them about the rape. I am thinking that they gave you the worst advice ever. You are going to have to protect yourself from that sort of thing because you are so fragile and vulnerable right now.

I believe you. I went through three year stretch of the roughest time I have had and the people on the forum were my only support. You need so much comfort and respect for your boundries right now.

You are very welcome. I do know how it feels and all of the awful feelings, thoughts, nightmares and startle response etc. This has really been a traumatic event for you. Still praying for your safe support and help. Healing hugs.

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

So I talked to my therapist and he supports me being on this forum. He thinks it's good for me.

It's good he supports it because I often get cold feet and pull back. Maybe with his encouragement I won't.

I haven't been doing to badly lately, but I can almost feel myself slipping into it again. My bed just seems so much more inviting than the real world.

My husband wants this process to go a lot faster than it is. He has told me that I've taken away his dream life. Although I did not intentionally, I do feel I have taken away his dreams. Dreams of another baby in a timely matter according to our first child. Which is big for him. He doesn't want a big space between kids. I can't even handle him putting his hands around me for a hug. I know that sounds so pathetic, but it's hard. He is growing more resentful towards me.

I try to help him through his own process through this. Encouraging him that his feelings are valid. But they hurt me so much. It feels like a knife stabbing me when he tells me just how upset he is with me not putting enough into the relationship. I have asked him if there is any way I can show my love and support without having complete intimacy. He believes that until there is itimacy than its just not enough.

What about my process? Who is there for me?

I've told him he can leave me, but he says he won't. I would almost prefer if he let me go instead of holding me to all that I am failing in.

I don't think I'll ever be 'cured'. I think I can learn to manage and tweak and work on things but I'll never be 'cured' and I just can't seem to get my husband to understand that! I can't bare to let him down further. I feel like I'm a big fake and trapped him when I didn't mean to. He does deserve to be happy. And I wish I could give him that in the time period he's asking.

BUT... I suck and so does my head. So chances are I can't succeed.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I went through the exact same thing with my husband so you are not alone. I understand why it is so hard for you, it is too soon for you right now.

You are not alone. I went rounds after rounds with my husband as well but in my own way I really tried to be there for him and I know you are doing the same thing.

I am so happy to hear that your therapist supports you being on the forum, it has made such a huge difference in my life.

My husband never could understand me so until we went to a good marriage counselor we did not know how to talk to each other in a way that we both could feel heard and understood. Then my husband changed. And I changed as well.

He loves you very much but words can do so much damage. You have not stolen his dreams. He may feel like it but it is not a fact. He is a grown up and responsible for his own dreams in my opinion. My husband had his own issues which made communication very difficult and all of our fights were over misunderstandings.

Please be gentle on yourself at this time ok? Hugs.

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

Thank you so much for your insight @gizmo, I truly do appreciate it!! Currently my husband and I are in therapy together. I just hope we can sort out the misunderstandings and that I can be all that he needs and deserves. I just feel so worthless at this current time.

 

[Dragonfly-Dawn]

I know one negative belief I believe is that because my mom did nothing about the abuse from my father that I will do nothing about the abuse that has happened to me. I will never report, I will never be heard. I will let men treat me horrible all my life. Therefor leading me to the conclusion that if I don't do anything to prevent it, anything substantial, than I must deserve it.

Another horrible, horrible nightmare last night. :cry:

I'm just starting to do this whole addressing my distortions, or breaking down my negative beliefs. So bare with me, I might be so far off the mark and doing it wrong. But I'm trying.

It's a peanut butter kinda day. My couch, my blankets, my pillows, and a jar of peanut butter. Ohh I just love peanut butter. I might switch out half through the day to ice cream. We shall see.

 

[The Albatross]

"I know one negative belief I believe is that because my mom did nothing about the abuse from my father that I will do nothing about the abuse that has happened to me." Hmm. But you have done something, you told about it and you are in joint therapy.