Trying again (maybe)

[UnKnown-Self]

I am so sick and tired of therapists who spout trauma expertise and give me the same handouts I was getting in 1995 and explanations of the importance of self-esteem.

I've reached out to a "Licensed Creative Arts Therapist, MFA, ATR-BC, LCAT, NYPsyA"
I'm not sure what all those acronyms mean but they "specialize" in PTSD, EMDR, trauma, take my insurance and honestly I was drawn to the title "Creative Arts Therapist".
Since they had an "email me" option on their web site, I sent the following message:

Dear XXX,
I am a seasoned, female patient with 38 years experience in the mental health system and 58 years experience in surviving complex PTSD. I work in Manhattan. I would like to discuss the possibility of a mutual interview. I have XXX insurance. Respectfully, Alice. I left my phone number and said I would call hers.

There is certainly the strong possibility no slots will be available and I wonder how my new approach will be received. Time will tell.

 

[whiteraven]

This sounds like an awesome possibility. Keep us posted!

 

[UnKnown-Self]

She did call me today and we talked for a few minutes. She is not listed with my health provider so I have to check and see how it works with my health provider. She asked me if I wanted to have a meeting first but I decided to wait and see what my insurance will cover.
I would hate to have a session, really click and then not be able to afford her.
She did say she would help me find someone if my provider falls through. So we'll see.

I have become very cautious since I became aware of parts the last half of 2015.
It isn't the first time I became aware. It is the first time I accepted the communication and communicated back.
It's interesting how you meet them seemingly for the first time and at the same time there is such familiarity. Information comes in strange bursts. Not about specific events. Oh No...
There is information about "The System" how its set up and bits and pieces of information regarding certain rules or whose job is what. When I hear/feel them it makes so much sense. I realize there is lots of information not shared.
Well, enough of that.
I don't want to jump in with both feet and start there. But I need to know I won't see "the look" or feel "the vibe" when something does come up. I did tell her that. Of course she has to be cautious too. I want someone who "understands" there is no check list, no show and unpredictability for us both. But I hope I find someone who has seen enough to see the truth and help me.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

My insurance doesn't cover out of network *sighs*

 

[Fayne Jane]

What kind of therapy are you looking for? I live in a small city really just a town with few resources for mental health but have been able to find a great therapist.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

I am looking for a therapist who specializes in trauma.

 

[Fayne Jane]

That is what I found, a Trauma specialist trained in EMDR has been very successful for me. Not an easy process.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I'm not sure of the basis of your trauma(s), but just in case it's in the same vein, I found an amazing therapist at the local sexual and domestic abuse shelter that is free of charge.

We don't focus on edmr or anything specific like that, she just lets me talk, answers my questions, and offers suggestions, resources, and compassionate heartfelt responses.

They also offer a weekly support group for anyone interested.

I'm not sure of all of her specific trauma-related qualifications other than having a background in both psychology and law and working directly with trauma related issues for many of her professional years.

All I know for sure is it's the first and only counseling and group scenario where I've felt fully heard, truly innerstood, and genuinely helped.

Best wishes in soon finding someone helpful.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

I appreciate everyone's comments and suggestions. My traumas if current research is accurate then my trauma started in the womb. Putting that aside it definitely started once I was brought home from the hospital. I had 3 older siblings who were abused and neglected and most of my care was the responsibility of my 6.6 year old sister. There was the constant screaming, neglect, filth and parental fighting which was often physical. Later SA and I entered abusive relationships.
I have had many kinds of therapy and I have felt heard and understood.

This last roll down the rabbits hole has changed me. I had been in a partial hospitalization after my husband (we were together for 8 years) who was very loving, passed away suddenly.

I was working on CBT, DBT and self-awareness. Keeping a mood diary, food diary, dream diary etc.
Basically I was learning to be in touch with my thoughts and feelings. Then came a group exercise that triggered a sequence of mental, emotional and physical changes that I cannot step back from.
There were total flashbacks. The type where I am no longer an adult and acting out a situation I have no memory of. There was the emerging of inner voices with names and personalities and there was the physical aspects. Bone deep exhaustion, traveling pain, gut problems, memory, organizational and focus problems.
Now it was not the first time my mind had been infiltrated by disagreeing opinions and advice, I had also experienced total flashbacks and physical pain. The difference is in my effort to practice self-awareness and it not being a new experience, I participated in the conversation.
I tried to tell my therapist and when I asked her if she believed me, she said she did not know.
I tried for a few more visits but she just wanted me to put self affirming post-its and work on my self-esteem.
Most therapists do not believe in DID or consider it very, very rare.
I am not saying I think I have DID. I know by my own experience there are difference levels of dissociation. There are some traumas I experienced early that have split away. It's the brain's way of keeping me sane is the only way I understand it.
I need to understand it. I need to know how much harm I might do to the little ones trying to free them of their pain. I know from past experience it does no good to tap into what they know just to send them/me in a tailspin of reliving the moment and the only answer is to push it back down by grounding myself. These are not unhealthy relationships I can cut myself off from like I did with my parents and siblings. Getting a grip and grounding is denying my experience and my pain being held on to by child parts of myself. I feel like I am re-abusing those little ones not allowing their voices be heard and giving them validation.
I was told this is not group therapy conversation. Actually I agreed. I am very specific where I want to go when I talk to a therapist. Not many have this experience. Many "company run" mental health systems do not even cover it since there is no medication for it. By covering it I mean they basically deny the existence, nicely and lead the patient down another road.
I am highly functional, I hold down my job (with shaky moments) and I do fairly well at emotion regulation.
As long as somethings are unresolved, I am just biding time for another bout of down the rabbit hole. I need to try something new.