Trying and trying...

[Jay02]

I have posted quite a few times already. It’s always the same thing: my boyfriend, I’m assuming is in a rut. He’s not responding to my messages and he’s simply just reading them. He has gone overseas twice.

I know that PTSD is something that is not controllable, but what throws me off is that he’s not replying to me but he can respond to a few texts from another friend of ours...

As a supporter, have any of you experienced something like that? If he can respond to her text, how come he can’t respond to mine and tell me he’s not doing ok?

As a sufferer, when you isolate, do you ever tell your S.O. or family members that something is up and you need your space? Also, do you have selective texting in terms of who you want to text and have a conversation with in times like this?

My boyfriend hasn’t told me something was wrong. I’m just going on my gut feeling. The friend he replied to... She got upset with me because I had taken it personal that my boyfriend replied to her and not me.

Sigh. I feel like I’m doing everything wrong.

 

[EveHarrington]

As a sufferer, when you isolate, do you ever tell your S.O. or family members that something is up and you need your space?

Nope. I just disappear. I’m not going to get into an argument over how they need this or they need that or I shouldn’t be disappearing because it’s not the best way to deal with things. I’m not going to deal with that unnecessary stress.

Also, do you have selective texting in terms of who you want to text and have a conversation with in times like this?

I’d say most of us don’t isolate 100%. I’d say 100% isolation (from everyone and everything) is more on the rare side.

If we aren’t talking to you, do you really want us to give up all human contact? Don’t you think that’s asking a lot? I’m not trying to be rude, I just wonder how this can be phrased to make supporters understand given that 99% of supporters who come here ask about this exact topic.

 

[Jay02]

I’d say most of us don’t isolate 100%. I’d say 100% isolation (from everyone and everything) is more on the rare side.

If we aren’t talking to you, do you really want us to give up all human contact? Don’t you think that’s asking a lot? I’m not trying to be rude, I just wonder how this can be phrased to make supporters understand given that 99% of supporters who come here ask about this exact topic.

That is asking a lot, you're right, and I'm starting to realize that I should be grateful and less worried that he's not completely shutting everyone out in his life, which could even cause more damage. I just took it very personal when I shouldn't have.

I really appreciate you giving me advice on such a common topic. I think I'm starting to sound annoying, but I do want to understand this so I can better understand my boyfriend.

 

[HealingInProcess]

That is asking a lot, you're right, and I'm starting to realize that I should be grateful and less worried that he's not completely shutting everyone out in his life, which could even cause more damage. I just took it very personal when I shouldn't have.

I really appreciate you giving me advice on such a common topic. I think I'm starting to sound annoying, but I do want to understand this so I can better understand my boyfriend.

I wouldn't necessarily read much into selective response in this case. If you're worried about your relationship status with him I don't see this as confirming a problem. It may be that he's responding to people he is less intimate with so that he doesn't get too emotionally involved as he might be at risk of hyperarousal. It's easier to have certain conversations with people we're less close to than those we are.

 

[Jay02]

I wouldn't necessarily read much into selective response in this case. If you're worried about your relationship status with him I don't see this as confirming a problem. It may be that he's responding to people he is less intimate with so that he doesn't get too emotionally involved as he might be at risk of hyperarousal. It's easier to have certain conversations with people we're less close to than those we are.

Thank you for that. I appreciate it. In that moment, I took it personal and I upset my other friend which resulted her in blocking me.

But I will keep that in mind. Deep down, I know this... My mind just takes over.

 

[anon1234]

Thank you for that. I appreciate it. In that moment, I took it personal and I upset my other friend which resulted her in blocking me.

But I will keep that in mind. Deep down, I know this... My mind just takes over.

In same situation almost down to a T. I get irrationally jealous of him hanging out with work colleagues.

Hang in there.

 

[Hojay]

I’ll jump in here. As a supporter, if your relationship is going to work for any reasonable amount of time, it’s absolutely imperative you establish boundaries for yourself in terms of the things YOU need when isolation occurs. That can include: requiring a heads up, “signs of life” notifications no matter how slim, and/or a timeframe for the silence. None of the above is too much to ask from someone—and only from someone!—who is at least fundamentally capable of having a mutual relationship with someone.

These boundaries are for you, not for him. I.e. once you’ve communicated these boundaries, and alerted him to your consequences for yourself when they’ve been crossed, you live them. This could be: if he just disappears without a word again, I consider the relationship to be over. Etc.

Stop feeling guilty for having needs and trying to assert them. Yes, he’s sick, but he also voluntarily entered into a relationship with you. If he can’t hold up the basics of this relationship, it’s not up to you to change what you require to be in one.

 

[LuckiLee]

You've been asking the same questions since you came to the forums. Have you had a conversation, not an argument about any of this with him? If he's starting therapy at the VA, now is probably not the best time to do so. Your anxiety and anger is going to push him even farther away and possibly for good. You have to decide if this is healthy for YOU. He's trying to get healthy. And that could take YEARS!! Not weeks of months. YEARS.

 

[Freida]

He's trying to get healthy. And that could take YEARS!! Not weeks of months. YEARS.

5 years and counting -- still not done. sigh.

 

[LuckiLee]

In all honesty @Jay02 I don't think it's fair to you that he's in a relationship right now. It doesn't sound like he's up for it. I know you love him and would do anything for him but he needs to concentrate on his healing and therapy. Which is gonna be impossible if he has to worry about you and your feelings. Him reaching out to the VA is HUGE and things will get a whole lot worse for him mentally, emotionally and physically. If I were you I'd take a step back and REALLY think about this. What if this is the best it gets? You up for that? Hugs to you if you need them.

 

[Jay02]

You've been asking the same questions since you came to the forums. Have you had a conversation, not an argument about any of this with him? If he's starting therapy at the VA, now is probably not the best time to do so. Your anxiety and anger is going to push him even farther away and possibly for good. You have to decide if this is healthy for YOU. He's trying to get healthy. And that could take YEARS!! Not weeks of months. YEARS.

I know... I have talked to him about it and we never argue. I always try to understand his point of view. He ended up messaging me saying that he had a really bad meeting, but didn’t go into detail. I’m learning that I’ll be here when he’s ready. Thank you.

 

[Jay02]

In all honesty @Jay02 I don't think it's fair to you that he's in a relationship right now. It doesn't sound like he's up for it. I know you love him and would do anything for him but he needs to concentrate on his healing and therapy. Which is gonna be impossible if he has to worry about you and your feelings. Him reaching out to the VA is HUGE and things will get a whole lot worse for him mentally, emotionally and physically. If I were you I'd take a step back and REALLY think about this. What if this is the best it gets? You up for that? Hugs to you if you need them.

I suppose it’s something I need to think about, but every time I sit down to think deeply about it... I just know that while I do get in my head (plenty of times), I am willing to wait for him and support him from a distance.