Supporter Trying My Best To Help My Ex/best Friend

[Nicholas333]

I am deeply concerned for my ex-girlfriend. Our first date and I was madly in love. I couldn't imagine asking for a better woman in my life. She was hilarious, a genius, and overall a quality person. A few weeks in and she told me that she was a survivor of an abusive relationship and rape. I was crazy about her and wanted to help in any way that I could...but towards the beginning she didn't seem to need much help. As our relationship progressed she started to seek justice against her attacker and the symptoms of her PTSD started to become obvious. She'd have panic attacks, leave the room sobbing, and she started to isolate herself from me. She just broke up with me earlier this week(citing PTSD as the cause of the break up) and now we're constantly fighting. Over everything. I want her in my life but she is treating me like an enemy. It's like she's intentionally pushing me away. She doesn't seem to have a desire to admit how PTSD effects her and she only seems interested in escaping. What can I do? I hope talking to people with similar experiences will help. I feel completely incapable of dealing with this alone.

-Nick

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Sadly, there's not much you can do other than be there for her and encourage her to seek out professional help. As long as she just wants to escape, healing will be slow going at best, possibly non-existent, with the very real possibility of her symptoms only getting worse. I advise you to support her as a friend. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I truly do believe that an untreated sufferer who has no desire to heal and isn't working on getting better should not be in a relationship.

Welcome to the forum.

 

[mikeodea]

Do the opposite of what you're doing. You're trying to be with her and she's trying to push you away. Stop trying and give her a lot of space. Stop calling and texting her. Go to the gym. Go out with friends. I think in time she'll realize that you're her 'rock..' She'll miss you and want you back. If not, oh well. I know she probably intoxicates you with her beauty and her soul, but there's many more women out there just like her for you. Do your best giving her space and if that doesn't make her want you back, move on like a man.

 

[scout86]

If you stop communicating with her completely, she may also decide that you never did care about her, or she scared you off, or she's just too defective to deserve a relationship, or she made a mistake when she thought she could trust you and she's never going to trust anyone ever again..... She could think any of a lot of things.

Everyone is different and there's no cookbook answer. Personally, I prefer straightforward honestly. In this case, the deal is, facing the bad guy, in court or anywhere else, is hard and scary and is going to stir things up. Has she had any therapy? All of this is pretty hard to deal with alone. It's also pretty hard for an amateur, no matter how loving and well intentioned to deal with. If she's not getting professional help, My personal suggestion would be to level with her on what you see happening and try to encourage her to seek help.

 

[marylouise]

Nick,

I strongly agree with Solara. An untreated survivor who is unwilling to get help shouldn't be in a relationship. I know it sounds harsh, but the survivor won't have the self-awareness and personal stability to offer her partner the caring and support that we all deserve. When I read your message, I found myself worried about you as much as her. Your relationship sounds intense. I hope you can find a way to step back from it and make sure you're taking care of yourself.

There is a good book for partners of survivors in recovery. It's called "Allies in Healing". But even the title suggests that the survivor needs to be in recovery for her/his partner to be an ally.

 

[Nicholas333]

I appreciate all of the help! I needed to hear a lot of the things that you all told me. Space seems to be the only option right now. There's no trust in our friendship anymore and she doesn't seem to know what will benefit her. I'm trying to be sympathetic. I still care about her deeply, but I don't think that even being friends could work if she doesn't make an effort to improve her life. I'd be willing to work with her through an uphill battle, but I can't pull us both out of quicksand. Thank you for being welcoming!

 

[Ellie2014]

Nicholas,

Trying to relate to your girlfriend and present in an objective manner-- I have some pretty hard hitting ptsd symptoms that has affected my marriage. I am trying my best to work on it, but the one thing that needed from my husband is space, which he hasn't respected (I'm sure out of concern for me). That makes me resentful. It's a boundary issue and a lot of us with ptsd have had people in our lives who don't respect boundaries. I agree that you should express your support verbally and/or from a distance and give her the space she needs. It's very difficult to deal with personal ptsd issues and support 50% of a relationship. It may be too much for her to handle right now, perhaps out of concern for you also. You don't really know her intentions for pushing you away but you come across as a good person who truly wants to help. I hope you two make it past this very difficult hump, even if it requires a break.

 

[Nicholas333]

Your insight is very helpful and I'm glad that you shared that with me. I want to respect her and help her in any way that I can. It's been hard this week to express that, but ultimately if she needs me out of her life for a while it's something that I can do. She is my favorite person--whatever it takes to make this easier for her is what I'm willing to do.