Relationship Trying Not To Crumble

[Kage]

Looking for some words of wisdom and or comfort.

Brief background. Recently made it out of a 10 year marriage with a Borderline personality, bipolar 1, ptsd, suicidal woman. Multiple hospitalizations, therapists, counselling. Sexless, emotionless, empty marriage for the last 5 years. I was extremely emotionally drained and beaten down. I have received counselling on my own for this.

I am an extremely emotional, sensitive, empathetic man. Major insecurities because of previous relationships.

Met my wonderful woman online and we connected instantly. She and her 3 kids moved in with me and my 2 boys. We make a fantastic family.

My girlfriend explained she had ptsd from childhood sexual abuse as well as being raped twice with the most recent being only 4 years ago. There have been many other traumas in her life that have undoubtedly contributed. She was in therapy long ago and was given her diagnosis then. She has only had a few instances where the ptsd has taken over since the therapy.

About a month after her moving in her health began to decline. A month after that a friend died. She is not able to work because of multiple reasons currently. Being able to finally feel safe and loved by me, coupled with the move, death and everyday life stuff caused her nightmares to flair up horribly.

The last 3 times we have been intimate she has immediately began crying and curls up. All three times she was the one wanting to. She tells me it isn't my fault and it's not me, which I know but it still kills me to see my soon to be wife go through this enormous pain. I never push sex.

Just this week while sleeping I have had to wake her from nightmares. Another night my hand brushed against her waistline and she began flailing at me. Again, I know it's not me. Last night while sitting in bed she told me that she still wants me to hold her and touch her (nonsexually) as I normally would. So I scooted closer and began gently touching her back like I do every night. I moved my hand to her arm. I could see her demeanor change followed by a jump, her saying she was sorry repeatedly and then tears. She is one not to cry. I stopped touching exposed skin and continued with her back. I explained that it is ok and I'm not upset at all.

Whew .... so .... just proofread this, there is lots more going on but ...

So I am holding it together as best as I can. Are there others who feel such deep emotion that you feel sadness and long to hold and explain how badly you need their companionship but have to stay strong to support and therefore refrain? She already feels horrible not being able to do these things and just wants to get back to normal so we can be a close couple and happy again. I don't want to add more guilt.

With what I have gone through previously, I know that this is a managable illness and there is light at the end. I know it will take time and I have no problem with that.

No she currently is not in therapy and is scared to death to do so. She has opened up to me more in the last 2 weeks and been discussing what is going on. She is journaling and is part of multiple online support groups.

I think im done for now.

Pre-emptive Thanks.

 

[silkleaves]

Do you know why she is afraid to go to therapy? Did she have a bad experience with it before? I went into therapy about 15 years ago, and after going through 3 therapists in 2 months, I was done. But then after I hit rock bottom, I ended up going back into therapy again 2 years ago...and this time it was a tremendous help.

I'm no longer in therapy, but if what I was going through was affecting my life and relationship to the point that it looks like things are with the two of you now, I would give it a shot. I mean, it is fantastic that you are supportive of her, but you do not have the training to be able to offer her the professional help that she needs.

This really isn't something that will get better if you just wait it out and hope for the best... I hope that for the sake of her well being, and for your relationship, that she would consider getting help, especially with your support she may be able to face her fears and get on the path to improving things?

 

[Kage]

@silkleaves. I agree that the therapy is needed. I think with how things ( the nightmares, physically ill, sensitivity to touch, lack of sleep ...) have escalated so much and the fact that she is opening up to me is a step towards her realizing this. She harbors so much anger and guilt towards herself about how she treats me and our family. I think it is approaching the breaking point/rock bottom.

She is afraid that going into therapy now with having me in her life will cause more things to surface that she wasn't aware of. She feels safe, loved and able to feel and has no idea how to feel because she has been numb for decades and never allowed to express anything.

 

[shimmerz]

My SO could have written this post. I am a woman as well and my SO took me in (I had wandered from one supporters house to another for at least three years prior). He made it clear that this was my home, my resting ground - no matter what. It has taken some time for me to believe in that. However, after a meltdown this week (Monday I think), and the advice I got here from others and some self reflecting, I realized that it was actually me I don't trust, not him. Finally, after absorbing what it feels like to 'trust' in a home again, in a man, I recognized that in order for me to not suck the life out of my SO and to be able to give of myself, I must trust myself first and foremost.

You can tell her all you like that she can trust you - however, there is a process she must go through in order to trust herself in this relationship. I can no longer go to therapy for 'trauma stuff' but I do have an excellent therapist for day to day things. I go once a week and we focus only on what balances me out 'now'. Can she trust in that type of therapy?

 

[Kage]

@shimmerz. Honestly that is only what she wants. A therapist who will help her get back her coping skills and work on now without rehashing the old.

 

[Tinyflame]

Maybe that's needed- trust & stabilization, safety & coping measures & sleep.

 

[shimmerz]

She is afraid that going into therapy now with having me in her life will cause more things to surface that she wasn't aware of.

I believe we have an inner voice and it sounds like she is trying to be true to hers. It is telling her to rest. To pause. Not to delve in right now. However as @silkleaves states so well, it is obvious that her 'rest' is allowing a bunch of her stuff to release.

Maybe that's needed- trust & stabilization, safety & coping measures & sleep.

I think from the sounds of it. I can almost feel her in this post. My SO quickly got me back into therapy and luckily my therapist realized that if I didn't have a grip on the here and now then dredging more stuff up wasn't going to help me get back to balance again. Smartest thing ever. I am learning how to trust myself again. It is an inch by inch project but I am doing it. Your job is to give the same answers no matter how many times she asks. Just relax, don't worry, do what you can, I expect nothing.

Now this needs to be prefaced with a knowing (by you), that you trust that you are with someone who will not take advantage of you - that she is trying and that you know your boundaries as well. You are the rock while she recovers, you cannot afford to get sick as well.

 

[Kage]

@shimmerz. Thank you. Just in reading your words I personally feel as though weight has been lifted. This is her journey that I'm riding along with her. Going down whatever path she FEELS she can or needs to. I'm there to make sure if she falls off the track or gets a flat WE work together to get back up. Together. If red flags pop up I'm there to assist and redirect.

 

[shimmerz]

My SO once said that he likes to see himself as a safe place to fall. That he has been, and I can feel it and in my calmer moments I feel it. In my more chaotic moments he is steady, calm and consistent. I can't always thank him the way I want to but when I can I show him (words are cheap), as a supporter and several sufferers reminded me for which I am forever grateful as it has made a huge difference over the past couple of days, I trust that he understands that what may seem like such simple things that I do for him take so much effort for me. What changed everything for us was MY not feeling I wasn't doing enough. Trusting me and acknowledging that I absolutely can't do what I want for him.

I said to him that 'one day I will get him back'. And I will.

 

[Springer80]

Hi, I agree with Shimmerz that she will only be allowed to go at the pace she needs even if she wants to push it to go faster. Paradoxically that will probably only set her back. She needs to tune into what she can actually manage and let her self off the hook by accepting that that is the pace she can go at and no more.

I've included a link to guy's work on body related trauma. Read it. Both of you. Please.

Dead Link Removed

Best of luck...

 

[Springer80]

Also what about holding her and stroking her face, her forehead, her hair, or her hand. Basically areas which are totally platonic.

 

[Mystery]

Hi Kage, once again, you are a wonderful man. I'm currently going through the same thing as your partner. I'm 5 years into this relationship and didn't have a guy like you, nor did I realize at the beginning that I was going to have those reactions because I had stayed single for 12 years, blindly thinking I was fine and I had gotten over all the past traumas without therapy, I thought I was tough, I thought I was strong.

With hindsight, the best thing that my partner did was to allow me to direct our sexual contact. I would often do my own head in thinking I should just do it and get it over with sometimes for his sake and ended up doing this too much and switching off my body in order to do it. I just felt sorry for him and really wanted to make him feel good. This set up a bad situation which I'm trying to fix now. I also really like sex, I'm not one of those women who don't like it. Being sexually violated is a terrible double bind to be in.

What my partner has been doing is being very patient. When he does this it makes me feel safer with him. I know this is so hard on him and it makes my heart feel more connected to him, which brings up my true feelings towards him. He is demonstrating on a daily basis, how not like certain other men who have hurt me, he is.

We are doing couples therapy together too and start soon. We have both seen the therapist separately for a session at first and now were going together. Just the fact that he is willing to do this, has shown me again, how committed he is and how willing he is to do the necessary work with me. On top of that, he has some minor issues of his own too.

He lets me know often how attracated to me he is and he is working on not trying to crash through my resistance. I feel like the precious intimate part that we all have inside, that comes out to play during sex, is locked up inside a cage inside me and only I can open the door from the inside. No one can coax me out of that cage, I have to open the door and walk out by myself.

I understand how and why your partner is so afraid of therapy but she must put the 'us' ahead of the 'I', if she is to successfully negotiate an adult sexual pair bond imho. That involves a lot of courage and I'm sure she really wants to. Your patient devotion and love will help her to do this. Going to a therapist together is something you both can do to put the 'us' ahead of the 'I'.