Trying Out Being Semi-independent

[presentjoy]

I'm temporarily taking space and staying in a friend's room while she's off volunteering elsewhere. I just got here, am washing the sheets, unpacked my stuff. It's a situation with three other housemates.

This is the first time ever that I've been independent. I titled this "semi-independent" because I'm receiving financial support from my parents. But that's sort of incidental.

The main parts of why this feels important, and scary:
- I've never lived on my own. Like ever. Closest I got was renting a bungalow with my sister. Ten minutes away from parents.
- I'm terrified. Seems like something I should do, no?
- I need space to be in a peaceful setting and think about the future.
- I need to sort out my issues apart from J, in some way, hitting the same communication difficulties and conflicts and challenges, except not with the same history and baggage
- I anticipate that one of my big challenges is figuring out my own rhythms. Telling when I need to eat. Telling when I need to interact with people, and when I need to retreat. Living with people who all seem pretty laid back, but nice, and interacting but also managing themselves as independent people, I can maybe have the opportunity to slow down and listen to the still small voice telling me what I need.

I'm scared. I feel overwhelmed. I feel .. uncertain. I am worried I will hole up in the bedroom and isolate instead of being interactive. That I will start to be afraid to go to the grocery store. I already feel a bit afraid of going to the grocery store.

One day at a time. I'm just really not sure how it will go. Maybe it will be a big fail. I'm trying to not ruminate about that.

Just in case it isn't clear, this is so related to the neglect/communication dysfunction from growing up. I didn't learn how to regulate. How to resolve conflict. It's like, doing this is facing head on the 'missing' parts of me. I think a lot will come up.

 

[Luigi]

Good for you, taking this step. You're right, one day at a time, don't worry about what's next, just what's now. And be very kind to yourself. I'm glad you're in a housemate situation, so even if you want to isolate I think you'll be forced into some connection. I'll be thinking good thoughts for you.

 

[nomedic1]

You can do it.

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

You are making a good start, @presentjoy!

 

[presentjoy]

Thanks all. I'm overcome with waves of sadness because I miss @Jemini and this is all also wrapped up in how much we've struggled, and how I'm going to face some of the same struggles being on my own. I feel lost.

I feel so weird going to the grocery store and just ... wandering around figuring out what *I* want. I don't know what I want.

 

[presentjoy]

I feel like I'm disappearing.

I can't really figure out what to do with myself right now. I feel upset. Not sure I want to talk about it because it's petty. Or not petty, it's just small. It's so small, I realise that it's ... I'm just way too sensitive.

So now I'm hiding. Trying to regulate. What DBT skills can I employ? Or walk and smoke, walk and smoke. I'm burning sandalwood and listening to calming music. I'm trying I really am.

But I feel small, and like I have no idea what to do with myself, for myself, by myself. This hurts.:cry:

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

PJ, we're here listening if you do decide you want to talk about it. Maybe make a list of things you'd like to try or foods you've never had? A reverse bucket list (not things to do before you die, but things you want to do to live)

 

[presentjoy]

I don't know how to talk about it. I got "more" (in the form of an email message) this morning.

I'm afraid of people. Any people. It doesn't matter who or where. (this isn't the "it") The day I came, I slept on the couch and had all my stuff just in the living room. Friend took most of the day to get things together and leave. She was in a rough mood and didn't really want to interact. I was fine just being on the couch but she said more than once that I could start going upstairs and settling in, I could take my stuff up, etc etc. I felt pressured. Actually I was sitting on the couch terrified, overwhelmed, sad, all kinds of things. Not sure if I could do this thing with three strangers. But it's not about strangers.

I avoided family when I was there. Except for my dad. My dad is the one person in the world who feels ok most of the time. Why am I living 500 miles away from him? He's 63. I don't want to be away from him, seeing him only twice a year, until he dies. The thought of that makes me so so so so sad.

---
There is the bedroom. It's pretty big. It's cold, I can feel that this morning. There's a space heater for when the 4 windows start being really drafty. There's a smaller room, just beside the big room. It was piled with messiness but in one hour I had it straightened up and now it's a sittable/useable room. It's the only room with a three-pronged outlet. I got a $4 surge protector from radio shack so the computer doesn't fry. It was on sale. This little room may be where I end up doing my training. I may need to put the space heater in there when I work. It may not be ergonomically good so it's just a trial.

I'm talking about everything but the 'thing' because it's stupid.

---
It's really hard for me to eat I ate a bad small breakfast, then didn't eat again til 3, which was too large a meal.

---
I wish a plague would come down on the world and make it just impossible for anyone to verbally communicate. Sorry to all the people who are offended by that wish. I think my hearing skews my reality to the point of it being intolerable.

Also, because I'm a perfectionist ridiculous person who can't communicate to cooperate, resolve issues, or get what I want. So as a result I'm a petulant, avoidant, and constantly suffering person whose own needs are unmet.

I can't tell what my eyes are doing. Are they afraid? Worried? Are they sad?

Great combination. Being me is AWESOME.
:poop:

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

Just to let you know, liking the messages is an indication of support, not liking what you're going through.

 

[Spiderallis]

To me your eyes look amazed- there's this strange new world you're walking into, different from anything you've known before. It's okay to wade in slowly. Try to do one thing at a time, break it down into smaller pieces until you're comfortable with it. If it's a small step, it's still a step and that's awesome progress. Like before going to the market, think about what you like to eat and make a list of those things. Going to the grocery is less scary for me when I have a plan. Would it help to ask one of the housemates if they'd like to go to the store with you? They might need some things.

 

[presentjoy]

Thanks guys.

I've managed to see a couple people and get a good meal. I also managed to make myself a real meal at the house too. I have more to learn. I think I do need a list, that probably helps. I also need to look at the food there and what meals I want to make. That can help avoid prepackaged expensiveness or random items that don't really work. There are a ton of things like quinoa and lentils there already, and spices.

I guess I am adjusting. I was reflecting though on how much I can have the urge to hide and be invisible. I've been like that my whole life. Being super quiet was a skill I cultivated.

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

I guess I am adjusting. I was reflecting though on how much I can have the urge to hide and be invisible. I've been like that my whole life. Being super quiet was a skill I cultivated.

Just remember, dealing with this stuff doesn't mean you suddenly have to become a whole different person. If being alone a little heals you, take the time to be alone. If you want to connect, you can do that, too. Don't be too concerned with being the "perfect whole".