Trying To Be Grateful, And Failing.

[jackrabbit]

I'm going to apologize up-front for everyone out there that is going to feel bad by contrast for what I'm about to say. The last thing I want to do is pour salt in wounds. But I've got to be honest about me, and to do that I have to highlight what I have--which, unfortunately, means talking about stuff a lot of you have lost like the ungrateful bitch I am.

See, I've got it good, comparatively speaking. I'm f*cking broken--both mentally and physically--and in constant pain, but I still have all four limbs and they mostly work, most of the time. I've got a wife who's about as good as wives come, who loves me for who I am, and puts up with most of my shit. I've got a mother who'd help in any way I ask (and is also an awesome lady). I've got nieces and nephews who think the world of me. I've got a roof, a car, food in my belly, money in my wallet, and some civilians who consider me their friend (as best as civilians can). I'm a lucky guy.

But I just can't make myself feel like it.

I do everything I can think of to try and focus on the good, and be grateful for what I've got, but it always turns into anger about what I don't have. I'm in pain non-stop, don't sleep, can't really work (haven't had a steady paycheck in a long, long time), and I don't have any friends I can be honest with. And when it comes to luck--especially where a career is concerned--Pvt. F. U. Murphy lives in my back pocket.

I've been to most of the third-world hell-holes this planet has to offer. I've seen guys lose every piece of themselves. I know what real suffering looks like, which makes me believe that I should know better; that I should know, intrinsically, how good I've got it. But I don't.

This goddamn PTSD just screws with me. This constant pain screws with me. The inability to sleep screws with me. The fact that I don't have a good answer to give when people ask what I do for a living screws with me. The fact that I don't have anyone I can talk to without cherry-picking my words screws with me. The fact that my wife has to work screws with me. The fact that I went fell from the peak of Olympus to fat and sloppy screws with me.

And the shit that's screwing with me is winning. I feel broken, depressed, and hopeless all the f*cking time--and I can't figure out what to do about it. I have all these abysmal thoughts and the rational, intelligent voice in my head that keeps screaming, "Man, it's not that bad," gets absolutely no play.

Meds DO NOT work for me. Talking doesn't seem to help.

More than getting what I want, I really just want to be happy with what I've got--but I can't seem to make it happen. And that screws with me most of all.

 

[Mine Strike]

I feel your pain.. Desert Shield/Storm Vet, US Navy
Combat Action-HM-14 aboard USS Tripoli during mine explosion

 

[Ned]

Yes well, been there. There is no self-pity in what you say, JR, and I don't think anyone's going to be upset. With hindsight I must've been a right miserable bastard a couple of years ago.
Sneak a little piece of progress past the f*cker when it's not looking. Something you like. Doesn't matter what it is, hobby, housework, learning. Anything done well is a little victory. Anyway, you don't have to choose your words too carefully here, we recognise what you're saying mate.

 

[vikingr12]

Sometimes it takes an assessment like yours to measure what how far you have come, and how far you will go.

Setting goals helps. I have been told and we all know the adage: don't eat the whole elephant. Choose one simple goal and get it. Then when you got that, go for another. Soon enough you will have something that in another of your assessments can count. And then more will come.

But a post like yours reminds me of many times when I have sat and done some thinkin'. It's from those episodes that some progress is made.

 

[Sarg]

Rabbit,

You described me to a "T". Three things helped me...This board, which has become a board of Brothers and Sisters, getting back in to my music (or whatever hobby you're interested in) and looking for a way to help other Vets. I keep trying to volunteer but wind up running into people I will not deal with, but I keep looking. I'll find something, cause I won't stop looking.

The residuals of adrenalin are raising havoc with your system and it's difficult to see anything but the bad.

The worst thing you can do is sit there and ruminate. I lost four years of my life and nearly drank myself to death doing that.

Keep coming here. This place is perhaps the most concentrated source of PTSD information, from the "horse's mouth" you will ever find. We've got Vets all the way back to the stone age (Viet Nam) all the way up to folks just back from the sand. And what we don't know off hand, we can find out for you most skoshi.

Hang tough.

Sarg

 

[Zipperhead]

It's hard to do anything but bitch when you're in pain. I've been getting along pretty well lately, but I have been there before. get the pain under control, and then worry about felling grateful.

 

[BaMuoiBa]

Jack, let it all out myfriend! Better here than against a wall or some AH's face.

Pain SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS, whether it is physical or mental it still SUCKS! I hear you, when you say you can't do the meds, well, either can I. I did booze for about 25 years and neith did that. So what to do? I learned when I was very new to sobriety (before I even knew about PTSD) that what ever the problem - once shared with another drunk my load lessened by half.

After all anyone on earth can handle my problem better that I can because IT"S NOT THEIRS!

Sarg nailed it, "The worst thing you can do is sit there and ruminate", to do nothing is adding to the problem for sure. You have a whole host of good stuff in your life to be grateful for, that's for sure. We don't wear the "pity-pot" well and it can become a crutch if we allow it. An old friend said to me once "in order to feel grateful, we have to show gratitude". Gratitude is an action to express how grateful we are. I learned that there were folks in this world who had far bigger problems then myself.

Listen, I'm not going to get up on my "do-gooder" soapbox here. I'm just saying that this was/ is what works for me. When I got involved with a group of VVA vets. I found that - shit I'm not that bad off after all! We go out and chase down the homeless vet in Newark in the fall and get them into the shelters, and those who don't want to come get them blankets/clothes and to VA for a check-up on what ails them. We are up at Lyons VAMC to the PTSD ward at least once a month with some home cooked food for these men and women who are eating the institutional food all month. When it's about someone else - it's not about ME. It Works!

Weather today's storm my friend, as the clouds will surely lift, the sun will shine to spite ourselves.

Ba

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey buddy, thanks for posting this. I am about to write a letter to all of my children and was trying to think of what to say, you have now written some of it.

I too have constant pain from my injuries and new ones keep appearing all the time, it's so depressing, not to mention the handful of medication I take every morning, some days I feel it is not doing anything. Sometimes I think why should I bother.

Going to be perfectly blunt here mate.

Who told you the medication was not doing anything?? I say this for a reason. I too have gone off my meds from time to time feeling they don't do a thing, but Margaret is my gauge as to what works and what does not. She is the sanity in the relationship.
Maybe I am expecting a happy pill or something, something to make everything disappear, unfortunately there is only one thing that will do that and I am quite a few years away from that. The meds are only designed to take the edge off mate.

Now for the medical things. Both my shoulders are screwed, they are repaired but I don't have half the strength I used to. My left knee is on it's 'Last Legs' literally. I was told after surgery that the next surgery for it would be a replacement.
My back has had two discs replaced and fused together and still gives me sciatic pain and generally aches, but it is a little better that what it once was.
I am 50 lbs overweight which is compounding the joint issues. This is a constant battle due to medication.

What is the answer.

Look at him people say, he is missing his legs, or, look at him, he can't see.

Go to the gym people say.

Harden the f*ck up people say to me.

Well, let them walk a mile in my shoes, let them live a week of my life I say.

In the end mate, I too have a house, a car, a beautiful wife who cares, and food in my belly, but you know what, it don't mean shit when I am feeling down.

So I feel for you brother and you are not ungrateful. You have PTSD and served your country.

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

First JackRabbit, this is NOT a pep talk. We're all way past that shit. I have asked myself countless times. "Why keep trying when I'm never going to finally get over this crap"? And, the same amout of times I'm glad I kept trying.

Sarg said it well. "The worst thing you can do is sit there and ruminate". Keep moving my Brother cause a stationary target is easy to hit. I found that when I was as low as I could get, and there was nothing, AND I MEAN NOTHING, to make me want to go on, THAT WAS NOT THE END. THAT WAS THE BEGINNING.

When I'm at that point, and I was there just a few days ago, I don't look back. I don't look forward. I don't think of what I should or shouldn't do. I just do.

I started by taking a walk. Did I feel like a walk? f*ck no.

When I got home I did the dishes. Did I feel like doing the dishes? f*ck no.

Then I punched the heavy punching bag for a while. Did I feel like punching the bag? You f*ckin right I did.

I won't finish the list cause you get the idea. Point is, when I got through with all the seemingly meaningless crap I also got through the day. And, here's the best part. The next day was better. It always is. The best part about the deamons and dragons is that they never stay forever.

Don't fight them cause ya can't win. Just hang on until they go, and then get on with finding the things that make life worth while. They're there my brother. Hang on cause I swear THEY ARE THERE.

SD

 

[JarHed]

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[Ned]

Happiness is overrated. Existence is overrated. Life is overrated.

Don't agree and won't agree. Happiness is bloody lovely, not other people's concept (being charitable to them), but my understanding of it. Existence is all we've got. Might as well have a good crack at it. Life is the same, precious. Sorry mate but I have put too much effort to all those to be able to agree with you.

 

[JarHed]

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