Trying to curtail internal prejudice towards females (as a female)

[littleoc]

I don't get on with females that great - I think it's because of my trauma that happened early on, mad...

Female here -- and I still understand. I'm sorry you're going through that.

 

[Deleted member 44394]

I realize I came on strong on that post. I also want to say that I have boundary issues - I share too much, too openly and honestly... I'm not sure where this comes from, other than times of sheer desperation, and not being able to describe how I feel. I have to overexplain everything. Also, is bpd the same thing as c-ptsd? Because; a lot of my boundaries issues have to do with that. It's very bpd, but am not seeing a huge difference between that and ptsd really.

 

[Julia426]

Firstly, thanks for everyone's replies. I posted this in June and didn't expect much of a response. I'm pleasantly surprised.

@Candleflames , you nailed it. Regarding emotional and intellectual maturity, I feel years beyond my friends. Socially, I feel my age; and developmentally (physically), I've been a bit of a late bloomer. I used my specific wording because I didn't want to scare anyone off with words like "sexism," "hate/dislike towards women," etc. I'm working on finding the root so that I can work on fixing this, as this problem is getting worse as I age. It's come to the point where I (unintentionally) ignore and dismiss what women have to say only for a man to say the exact same thing to have my attention. I do better in all my classes with male teachers.

@littleoc , Yes, I think part of it has to do with my personality. I tend to have a different sense of humor, interests, and overall demeanor than most girls my age. The closest friends I have now were my closest friends in second grade. I see us staying friends for a long time. But hopefully I can branch out, and I hope you can too. It's just not fair to women to be categorized by other women. It creates an "us and them" and "I'm not like other girls" attitude that creates division.

@Still Standing , thanks for the kind words. As I've said before, my best friends were my best friends since I was seven. They're here to stay. I'm working on finding the origin of my dislike of women. As of now, I have no interest in trying to have a female friend. My mind just immediately thinks "Woman? Avoid." I'm trying to fix that. Thanks again for the response.

@Blueseas , you didn't overshare at all. This forum is here to share your personal experiences and gain advice and insight on them.
It's upsetting that you're going through that. I know what it's like to be tired like that. There are some people that are willing to go their entire lives without any outside emotional support or relationships. Very few people are like that. Those people are usually goal-driven, not people-driven. Are you one of those people? Or do you feel life holds its importance in the relationships you form with loved ones? If you're the latter, I suggest you find the root--the true root--of your hatred for women and try to fix it. That's what I'm trying to do, though I'm a goal-driven person. To achieve my future goal, though, it's necessary I'm able to unhesitatingly interact with women and work together with them.

 

[Deleted member 44394]

I feel I was the latter - but my father was definitely the FORMER, or maybe because he was former, I chose to become latter. In any case he had a huge impact on our household and all I can remember was him invalidating my emotions almost constantly. CONSTANTLY, whenever I'd see him - the invalidation would start up; he thought he was 'training' us or something. I hated every second around him and it felt like death. He made sure I didn't feel anything, and if I did, around him I couldn't at all or show it. I was punished if I didn't be a vessel for him and his ambitions he had. I just remember I couldn't feel anything - it felt like death. I hated him and it and learned to avoid him as much as possible; he made it so that we were in his life, and we had no choice. It's like he tried to do nothing but constant emotional harm to me, since the day I was born... I don't understand it, never will. It slowly built up into a rage inside of me, and me invalidating my own emotions, not knowing what I feel, how I feel....etc. It is awful.
I have to be careful nowadays to label and experience my emotions. My own emotions...that I am able and deserving of these most basic things. So I can live a normal life like others, and end dysfunction. It's a pattern. That's the good news, it's like as a switch that you can turn on or off, but it takes practice. If I plug into him I'm bad. If I plug into myself that's health there.
I just have to constantly remind myself, and think good messages. The story of my life could be 'avoiding my dad' as much as possible for my health; most dad's contribute something positive but I didn't feel anything other than getting away from him unscathed.
I don't think you have to have a dad to grow up normally. I can't see how it helped anything other than damaged me...that's what I think. It would have been a plus to have him there for me and to love me - but that's extra; that didn't occur. He could've contributed to my well-being as a young man, but since he didn't I just avoided him as much as possible.

I disembodied anything he taught me, or tried to. I still somehow ended up with many parts of him even though I didn't want to. It's hard to separate from parents. I think the most important takeaway is that I am my own self; with my own emotions and I have a right to feel, label and experience them and express them. I'm important and I deserve a better life.

He didn't just try to control our behaviors or our expressions of emotions; I want to make this clear, that he actually tried and did 'shut down' our emotions.... we felt fear, intimidation, anxiety and a diffuse uneasiness / that's all I felt around him; that was the main "emotions" that I felt always. Imagine what that will do to you after many, many years?
Sort of emptiness and a crazy feeling like I am always going crazy..hollow, empty, shell, I felt less than others, like I just wanted to be alone. etc. all the symptoms of emotional neglect. I couldn't see my own worth, low self esteem. open to abuse. All kinds of self destructive shit. All because I let him decide for me that I didn't have a right to my own self, life and worth.

What a crock of shit... sad thing is he was well intentioned, and well meaning. In a weird way he didn't know and that's just how he was. The concept of being there for 'children' and providing...you know nurturing and support, was TOTALLY, COMPLETELY foreign;
that's the opposite of what a parent should be, and what every child needs.