Trying To Find Support And Coming Up Empty?

[Kintsugi]

I anticipate this being a really long post, so I apologize in advance. I've been marinating on how to compose this plea for opinions since I found the forum, and it's a huge part of why I found this place.

I've been dealing with support issues for a long time. Although I had always anticipated some kind of hesitation or perhaps some complications in gaining my family's support because my main abuser is my brother, I never expected to be so shut out of anything that looks like support or encouragement. My family is a dry well in that respect. They didn't 'side' with my brother, but the family's inaction in terms of dealing with my disclosure and my brother's complete lack of accountability have been big obstacles, and sometimes it feels like they did side with him. The kind of support for healing I've received in the past five years generally comes in the form of, "Why aren't you getting better?" or, "Aren't we past this?" or, "Why can't you let sleeping dogs lie?" kind of questions, or really blatant, "You're tearing the family apart," "Your parents are hurting," and the famous, "Can't you see what you're doing to your mother?"

My fiance has told me countless times that my parents aren't parents because of how they handled this situation. He even brought up legal disowning this week, I think in an attempt to motivate my severance from them. He has even said sweet things like that his family is my family, that I won't be alone, and his family has sadly been more supportive than my parents, but all of that good stuff is reliant on us having a successful relationship, and the last thing I want to do is to feel stuck with somebody because of all of the things that person affords me. I've been stuck in relationships before, both because of external forces and because of my own fears about being alone and vulnerable. I'm engaged to him and I plan on spending the rest of forever with him, but I don't want to feel trapped into that situation because of other factors of our relationship, like my closeness to his family and the asylum that comes with that family.

On the other hand...
I really want HIM to be my main support, not the rest of his family. I want HIM to help me, to encourage me, to be there for me when I need him. I truly believe that he wants this, too, but he doesn't show it in a way that I can understand. I've been completely losing it recently as I prepare to pull out the big healing guns this summer and conquer some of my family control issues, which is a huge deal for me. The last time I prepared to do this sort of thing, I locked myself in a room for a month and barely ate or slept, just fantasized about suicide and dissociated on my bed for hours. I'm trying hard to keep it together here, but it's proving a tough journey, and sometimes I break down and really need help. I fell into total hysteria a couple of nights ago and came into our room begging him for help, telling him that I couldn't feel anything and I needed him. He didn't want to touch me because I was crying. All I want to do in these situations is curl up into a ball on the floor, but he considers this pathetic and won't interact with me except to voice his repulsion at my behavior, so I tried to stay standing up straight and not cry, but I'm having such difficulty. He wound up just telling me that I never get better even when I say I want to and that whenever I do get better it's only a matter of time before I relapse, so he doesn't believe me and doesn't trust that I will ever improve. This, you maybe can imagine, really reduces my morale.

We're on a bit better footing now, but I'm continually trying to seek the support I need from him in covert ways or in small bursts that don't seem as needy, like asking him to sit next to me or to play with my hair before I go to sleep, or holding his hand when I'm scared and would rather hide in my bed rather than face whatever it is the day is calling me to face. I'm noticing increasingly that I crave to be asked how I want to be supported. I went through all the pain of quickly summarizing the huge familial pitfalls in my seek for healing and the denial that has been hammered into me by my family as a way to show him that I'm lacking and have always been lacking a true support base, that all I've ever gotten for working hard is a question of why I'm not working harder or better or faster. He responded to this by lecturing me on how I need to deal with my problems in therapy, how I can't just be on a forum (I told him a week before that I had an appointment with both a counselor and a psychiatrist today to get me back on track, which was perhaps a week after I found this forum), and then he escalated to yelling at me about how I fail to take the right steps to recovery.

Maybe sometimes I need tough love, but I have never been shy about asking for this sort of help. I regularly ask people to listen to my situation and bring me back down to Earth, but this isn't the time that I feel I need that kind of motivation. I really just want someone to pat me on the back, but I don't know how to tell him that. He's been through his own mental health struggles, and I think he's frustrated that I'm not where he's at and that I'm not getting there the same way (though...this would involve copious drugs/promiscuous sex? So I'm not sure what he's complaining about). He gets really angry when I ask him to give me any kind of affectionate comfort, and he'll do it, but it's really obviously cold and fake, and this makes me feel worse about myself. We also have a rule that I'm not supposed to talk about our relationship problems with other people (a rule I am breaking by writing this), not even my private friends who have never met him, and that has been really hard for me, because I want to refract my issues with him off of an outside mind to get a new perspective, and I feel isolated and unable to share with people who are usually there for me.

I'm just confused. I keep thinking, "I'm not in a supportive relationship," or, "I need someone else to help support me," but then I feel guilty, because I think he is trying in his own way, it's just opposite of what I need. I don't know how long I can hold onto my composure before I totally go downhill. I'm scared to tell him that I've started thinking about suicide and self-mutilation again: I told him the burn on my hand was from a toaster rather than my own cigarettes. I don't want to lie to him. I just don't want him to yell at me. I feel like I have no family but him. There are so many supporters on this site trying to find a way to better their relationships with sufferers, but I think my fiance would just walk out of the room if I tried to explain one of my symptoms to him. I tried to explain the whole inner child idea to him when I asked him for help. The look of mortified disgust on his face was unbearable. He said, "I'm not marrying a four-year-old girl. I'm marrying you." But I know the little girl in me will be living with us for a while, too. : (

Thanks for reading if you got down here. I don't know where to turn these thoughts.

 

[mamachick]

When abuse occurs in the family of origin, often member, (non abuser members) as well, live in denial. They are often not going to step up to the plate and provide support. We have to work on ourself and heal and recover without them most of the time. Down the road when things are better, they might be there for you. One thing I am sure of is dont rely on family tho help you through this unless you don't mind feeling like you failed. Often we are still seeking approval somewhere. Support can come from elsewhere.

You probably are not going to like to hear this but the healing lies within you.........your boyfriend could make the process a bit more comfortable, but this is not necessary for your healing. If you dont feel the support from him, support yourself. Have your T help you with ways to comfort yourself, (feel yourself-hold yourself til you feel safe). Believe me, I am not minimizing how wonderful the touch of another is and how safe that can feel, but ultimately, if he has the ability to make you feel safe, that feeling of safety is within you, and you can feel that on your won as well with practice.

A healthy uncontrolling person does not tell another person not to share with others. That is a huge red flag to me. We get different things from different people. Without knowing your story, does he not want others to know what happened to you because of embarrassment or shame of your being a victim? It is never healthy to put all your eggs in one basket. One person cannot be all to you.

It sounds like he may just not be the one for you as he does not have an interest in learning about symptoms or inner child, etc and whats important to you. That doesnt mean that you don't enjoy his company in the meantime. You cannot change another person. It sounds like it is not in his nature to show compassion and empathy easily.

Sometimes I dont understand myself-how can I expect another to understand me. However, when we learn something new, I think sharing it with another allows us to repeat it and it doing so, we become more comfortable with the idea and it kind of sinks in. We can also come home from therapy and journal about it and the afterthoughts, ideas that come to mind. It like when we go to the store alone and buy a new dress. We bring it home and if we have a partner or room-mate, may try it on and show them. There is always the possiblity that they might say "that is the ugliest thing I have ever seen". Will that effect us? If we live alone, we still may try it one in a different light, maybe tomorrow and see if we still like it as much.

I think of sharing what happens in therapy in kind of the same way. We are trying on this new idea. However, we need to see if it feels right and that is what is important.

I hope you find support here and with friends because nobody needs to walk this road alone.

 

[Foxtrot]

hang in there girl, I don't have any advice. But hang in there. I try to be as supportive as I can to my GF who suffers like you do; it seems as if communication is the key.

 

[Kintsugi]

brat, I'm not sure why your alias is brat. Your reply was very grounding and compassionate. Thank you. I think you're right, both about my family and in learning how to make myself feel safe. I just want someone to make me feel really safe when I'm really scared just once. That sounds pathetic, or like I'm dismissing my responsibility. It's not that. It just makes me so sad to think I can't have that when I want it so badly. Comforting myself is really hard when that thought berates me.

Foxtrot, you are absolutely right, and I'm really working on this. I have a long haul ahead of me, though. I used to think that he was terrible at communication. Now I know that he just has really strict boundaries, something I envy. Being perfectly reasonable and logical and composed is really difficult these days, and I know that's what he needs for communication, what anyone needs. Waiting until breaking point and then breaching the problem evidently is ineffective.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Look to your past...were there 'acquaintences' who were supportive but you 'just lost touch'?

Someone in there no doubt would love to hear from you...

 

[Srain]

Hey MissAntiSunshine, I can surely relate to your need to be heard and the rough rough struggles you are going through with your symptoms. I got so isolated at home with my starts and stops in finding support in my area for help; I had to be hospitalized on several occasions. I was misdiagnosed and this was doubly difficult. My husband would listen but did not exactly know what to do and with his hours, I spent way too many hours alone. It breaks my heart just reading your post.

The difference here is not once has my husband in the last 10yrs ever gotten angry when I cried. He may not have known what to say or do at times, but mad, no. Tell me I'm not getting better when I said I would, never. That would devastate me to the core, he is my biggest cheerleader and I'm not sugar-coating it for you. However, I will tell you this...he cannot be my therapist as he is not qualified to do that nor is it fair to lay that at his feet 24/7 like I was doing. He cannot be my be all and end all because the one person just can't take the pressure of that and needs time out. I wore him out with that.

The one thing I did insist he do which he finally did, even though he had read information before when we ever first met, was take a "Friends and Family" course for people involved with people struggling with Mental Illnesses. He got a lot of information and was grateful he did, it helped him to understand how to deal with my sudden changes in moods much better and have other people to talk with, some dealing far more difficult situations.

I want to add here that my husband has had his fair share of issues and deals with his own problems, I won't go into those, but he does. Just like mine they are no excuse for abusive behavior, ever. It can be very difficult to continue to seek that outside support, exhausting in fact, but I would encourage you to continue and get feedback on what you have posted here. I really believe that would be extremely helpful for you. It took a lot of courage to write that and I'm glad you did.

Hang in there,
Rain

 

[Kintsugi]

Thank you for the out pour of encouragement.

Look to your past...were there 'acquaintances' who were supportive but you 'just lost touch'?

I make a lot of deep friendships with people, and I typically hang onto those relationships for several years, getting onto a decade or over a decade with some contacts (now that I have more than one decade and spare change on my lifespan), but they are all male friends of mine who, at some point or another, have seen me as a sexual, romantic, or obsessive object, so I generally don't maintain consistent communication and discourage relationships with several of these friends because it has become clear that they can't have a platonic and normal relationship with me.

A good bunch of these friends I do trust and do want to continue to talk to. These are people I've had more ordinary relationships with (no obsessive/irrational behavior), though with incredibly deep attachments. I attach a lot of meaning to friendships with males and almost no meaning to my relationships with females in situations where the friend at hand is one I interact with on a mostly solitary level. These friendships have always, always been a problem for me when I've been in a relationship. I think my partners generally feel insecure about how emotionally close I am to some of these boys, and I can understand that. I do exalt these people. The bunch I am thinking of are the people who saved my life when I didn't want it anymore, everything from stopping by to drop off my favorite ice cream in the middle of the night, when I was awake and scared, to restraining me when all I wanted to do was find the next available door out to oblivion.

Anyway, my point is, when I enter a relationship, these friends become further from me, because I don't want to make my partner feel insecure about me interacting with those guys. I mentioned recently that the only place I could feasibly stay in my home state (not with my parents and abuser) was at my best friend's house this summer (my fiance will be in China all summer). He looked grave and suspicious. My best friend and I dated when we were fourteen! We held hands and kissed each other on the cheek. I had just gotten out of a seriously abusive relationship and was terrified of eroticism of any kind. Even still, this friend has always made all of my boyfriends uncomfortable in the past because we had some kind of romantic history.

I guess, I have a lot of great friends who have always been there for me, but they inevitably cause trust problems between my partner and I. I don't want that to happen with my partner now. I care about him too much to go through the same BS mistrust with him that I've gone through before.

Worse, I would say my greatest ally in really *feeling better* in a real and productive way is my ex-boyfriend of many years. I imagine my partner would be unhappy if I contacted him for support. All of these options would just be interpreted as a slap in the face to my fiance.

 

[mamachick]

Thanks MissAntiShunshine-my name was given to me by my 3 older sisters, and it was not a term of endearment, it has lived for over 50 years.

Going it alone (without a partner) feels lonely sometimes, even without the ptsd issues. One thing my T has helped me discover in asking me -who comforted me as a little girl during after abuse or witnessing abuse? ummm-nobody was my reply. I am learning to comfort myself. It is a wonderful thing to be held and feel safe and loved. Don't have to be symptomatic to enjoy.

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

Hey there! MissAntisunshine, it's been a rough ride huh? Sometimes hearing yourself talk out-loud is a good rehearsal - it makes saying the words to another person, easier. And, in my humble opinion you can't let sleeping dogs lie because the issue is unresolved. The family's refusal to admit things bad happened to you - changed the family dynamics forever, but it doesn't have to change you to be like them. The shame they feel is dumped on you ... forget them! Be your own star and shine a light in the dark places you must travel to find your answers to release you from self-imprisonment. And, the rest of us head-cases will be ready with baskets and buckets to collect your tears and any marbles that may fall out of your head. Purge away the poisoned words of despair ... someone will listen because there are people who care.

 

[Kintsugi]

Aw, Linda, thank you. I feel like everyone on this site has helped look under cabinets and behind refrigerators and under the carpet with me to find those marbles you're talking about, and it's always a gift when they're returned to me!

Yeah, my family... I'm really frustrated because I'm working on getting what I anticipate to be the first of three higher education degrees, and frankly I'm not looking to be in debt forever. I want to finish my BA before serious confrontation/strictly severing my family from controlling aspects of my life, which will hopefully be happening this December. I'm scared that if I distance them too much, though, I will never have a chance to pursue my master's and PhD. My family has become a fiscal convenience for me, and in the way of paying for education, I could use the help. Half of me wants to tell them to eff off and let me live my life, go out and work sh*t jobs all the time just to make ends meet without them, but I have to finish college if I want to get where I've been diligently working on going for the past six or seven years. Here's to holding on for now. I just wish they could help me and respect my wishes at the same time.

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

Hold on indeed you will. Get what you need and the courage to tell them off will come later. YaYa sister!